Author Topic: My Baby's Birthday (venting)  (Read 3066 times)

Terry

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My Baby's Birthday (venting)
« on: February 19, 2015, 03:44:23 PM »

Full circle

My baby's birthday today and he would have been 41. That fact in itself is hard to believe. My day started when my phone woke me with a notification, "I miss you, sweetheart. Happy Heavenly Birthday, baby." And, the tears fell. And fell. And fell.
I headed off to my doctor's appointment and as soon as I met with my doc, I lost it. He also lost a son, at the time his only child. I shared with him what I'm going to share with you that I am right back at the beginning and in so much physical and emotional pain that I can hardly breathe. Because that's what these dates do to us. They take us back in time to relive every event leading up to (on an angel date) and every family get together with candles blown out and wishes made (on a birthday). Some years it's almost tolerable and then others, for me like this one has not been. I feel as if I will sleep for a week since there is nothing left right now but the energy on the tips of my fingers to share this.

What more can I say that everyone here doesn't already know, hasn't felt? Nothing more. It is what I have to live with.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I know this because I've been here before, many times. But right now, tonight....is not so good.

Thanks for listening. :love9:

I miss you, Jeff. I know you're partying tonight. Behave. Be safe. And, kiss your brother and sister for me.

Sure wish you were here.......

Janka

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Re: My Baby's Birthday (venting)
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2015, 08:55:48 PM »
My dear Terry!

I´m thinking of you now that you feel both sad and hopeless.Keeping the memories of beloved one alive may keep us alive too.There are times when nothing anyone can say helps and our heart wrenching experience makes us cry again;there are also times when we just can´t get out of it and it hurts much more than before as if turned back the time for living at the moment the same disaster as it had happened;but please be mindful there is always someone helpful to make you feel better,so please allow me to be like this to be here for you.It´s so hard for us going through this.Some things don't ever go back to where they were and it feels like a big anxious at the moment.I want to be comforting for you right now,hoping it´s going to be better later.I´ve been going my spiritual path now,with the people like this around,that´s why I feel a little bit better again,but these moments you´re living in right now I spend many times too,it can´t stop until I meet my beloved Jan again.That´s the way it is.This way made me realize that I should change my job to find something more meaningful to me.There is everything about the money there and now I feel a conflict inside of me.I need a change.
I´d like to hug you and talk to you everything I worry about to make feel better.It would be nice when you're befriending someone.

I´m sending my warm hugs meaning from the heart as always used to be.

Kisses from Janka
​I always kiss you from the heart,my endless love,
you know how much I love you,also stars above,
you will always be my dearest and only one,
I can not wait to be with you,my beloved Jan.

Janka

Terry

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Re: My Baby's Birthday (venting)
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2015, 05:20:10 PM »
Thank You, Janka for this very thoughtful message. It is appreciated.

Today has been a better day though not without tears but I don't suspect that that will ever change. We love so deeply and so unconditionally and the pain, the tears and all the rest of it is the price of physically losing that great love.

I've always felt safe sharing my feelings here and will be forever grateful for Webhealing and these wonderful members who have opened their hearts to me over the years, even when theirs' was breaking in two. These are the strongest people I have ever had the honor of knowing.

One thing that I've learned over the years is that it takes strength to grieve. It takes courage to grieve. To lay open with our soul exposed, with that tangled web of pain throbbing inside and all the while sharing every feeling to others who truly understand. This is how we heal. If I had chosen to withdraw and not share every feeling then I would be in the same place I was when my oldest son died. And that was not a place I would ever want to revisit.
So, I remain very grateful for the strength and the courage to continue on with my life while never avoiding, denying or worse, sugar coating how I feel. Because if one is not feeling any pain and the kind of pain I speak of is the kind that stops you in your tracks, after a great loss.....then they couldn't have loved the person they lost very much. Plain and simple.

Thanks for the cake for my Jeff....that was so sweet and brought a tear. It means so much when others acknowledge your child that has died. We don't expect it from others outside of our little club as they just don't understand the depth of our loss but here everyone surely does.

Thank You, again Janka for the kisses, the hugs, the cake....all of it.  :love4:

My love to you,
Terry





MyLou

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Re: My Baby's Birthday (venting)
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2015, 05:20:08 AM »
(((((( TERRY )))))))

As I know these dates are hard :tearyeyed: Holding you close hoping beautiful memories filled your heart of your Jeff.

He is always with you and your other children are too.  They know you have the harder part everyday but you find the strength to go on.

I love you and thinking of you sweetie.

Hugs Always,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

Terry

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Re: My Baby's Birthday (venting)
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2015, 12:44:40 PM »
Thanks (((((((Lis)))))))

I appreciate your support. Yep, these dates just run me over sometimes but that's just the way it is. I'm back up and running, thank God because at the time it didn't feel like I would ever have the strength to do so.

It always helps to come on here and write these feelings down because I know someone is listening. Someone can relate. And someone understands.

Much love to you, my friend, :love9:
Terry

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: My Baby's Birthday (venting)
« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2015, 03:56:57 PM »
((Hugs)) to you Terry.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Terry

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Re: My Baby's Birthday (venting)
« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2015, 04:29:57 PM »

((Hugs)) to you Terry.


Thanks for the hugs, Paula. They always feel good and from the heart. :icon_flower:

Much love to you and yours,
Terry

ScottW

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Re: My Baby's Birthday (venting)
« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2015, 09:09:47 PM »
Big hugs to you Terry.

Terry

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Re: My Baby's Birthday (venting)
« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2015, 04:36:49 PM »

Thanks, Scott. I could always use a hug. Sending a big one right back atcha! ((((((Scott))))))

Love,
Terry