Author Topic: I miss you all!  (Read 7787 times)

Janka

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 293
  • My beloved Jan-a.d. 11/11/11
    • View Profile
Re: I miss you all!
« Reply #15 on: February 12, 2015, 08:31:53 AM »
Thanks Janka

I am doing my best. I loved and will always love Riki. He wasn't the best for me and he was good and caring, just really messed up. I really wish he had the chance to help himself heal. I would have been as deeply in love with him as you are with Jan if he could have healed. I miss him and his caring and loving side so much. He always tried to hide his caring and that is one of the things that hurt him so much, is that he cared so much about others and could do so little to help them, he couldn't make them change, just like I know I can't. I can only do what I need for me and my kids. That is why I say he was tormented because I watched him fight everyday with wanting to help others and not being able to. People just couldn't help themselves and they just don't have the strength to change even when it would make their lives so much better and we can't do anything about it except support others by listening and encouraging and sharing how we have each grown and maybe something we say will catch in someone's mind and they may take it and learn from it, or use it to give themselves hope.

Love and hugs, Shelby

Dear Shelby!

I can imagine the love you feel for your Riki.I can feel it whenever I read your post talking about him.Iīm glad thereīs also someone like you who can understand how much I love my beloved Jan,therefore you know how irreplaceable he is for me for the rest of my life.The love for him is neverending and my heart will go on my way to home bringing me to the end my beloved Jan will be waiting for...waiting for me...forever...Thereīs only me and him until he come back to take my hand and hold me in his arms till eternity.Does exist this kind of love when two become one forever.

I donīt think that others canīt change themselves.Iīve changed myself,my all,my whole life because of my beloved Jan.It has been the best Iīve done.The love may change everything and now I feel as one person,one part itīs my beloved Jan and another part itīs me,two hearts beating as one forever.I had found the strength to do it as well as he had.He does mean everything to me as well as I do to him.Itīs forever...

Iīm sure youīve done what you were always able to...

Iīm so glad we can talk to each other this way...

Love and hugs from Janka
​I always kiss you from the heart,my endless love,
you know how much I love you,also stars above,
you will always be my dearest and only one,
I can not wait to be with you,my beloved Jan.

Janka

funlearningmother

  • nospam
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 139
    • View Profile
Re: I miss you all!
« Reply #16 on: February 14, 2015, 12:03:35 AM »
Hi Janka

When I said these words,
People just couldn't help themselves and they just don't have the strength to change even when it would make their lives so much better and we can't do anything about it except support others by listening and encouraging and sharing how we have each grown and maybe something we say will catch in someone's mind and they may take it and learn from it, or use it to give themselves hope.
I was referring to how much Riki and I both want to help others grow and change and become better people. From my own experience I have learned that no matter how much you want someone to change they will only do it when they are ready and able. Sometimes they need the guidance to find the right path. Telling them what to do and how to do it rarely helps them understand why they should take that path. For me, believing in something comes from an understanding of the knowledge in my heart and not just my head and a desire to feel at peace.
For Example: I have always disliked when people told me to 'think positive because if you think positive it will change how you look at things and react to things'. Thinking positive never worked for me. People would say to me "You don't do it enough or you don't really want to change or something inside you doesn't really want to change" or many things along those lines. Always putting the blame on me! It was not me, it was their words because as I have learned about myself If I do not bring the information that I learn from my head into my heart I will not fully understand it or be able to change it. I learn through my emotions and not my brain. What I just realized last week is that instead of saying to me "think positive" it needs to be changed to something like, feel positive or something that does not imply or have the word think in it. Then I will be able to bring it into my heart and grow with it.

As for Riki he did make some changes for me before he died. He really was trying I think. Even his family and friends (some of who turned on me after he died) had said to me after he died and us when he was alive that he was making changes that he had never done before in his life. It's funny too because sometimes I think people got the impression that I was weak because I let him treat me so badly, I let him decide and I rarely pushed him to do things. I was not weak. I knew that the best way to let him help himself was to give him the time he needed to be comfortable with whatever he had decided to change and that he would do it when he was ready and able to. I supported him and tried not to push him into things.
There was just so much going on between us that I get lost in either the good or the bad sometimes. I try so hard to figure things out because I want to know what was real with us and I really don't know what was real with him. The only thing I know for sure is that I love him and miss him.

Love and hugs,
Shelby

Janka

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 293
  • My beloved Jan-a.d. 11/11/11
    • View Profile
Re: I miss you all!
« Reply #17 on: February 14, 2015, 04:02:23 PM »
Dear Shelby!

It was a nice message.I believe that you werenīt weak.During those 5 years spending with my beloved Jan Iīve grown up,understanding that many concessions looking like a weakness,being understood as the real love.Any contrasts of us two were merging to shape the perfect harmony.It has been the sweet surrender.We were living for each other,finding the perfect state of being and weīve finally found everything we had ever been looking for and dreaming of.My beloved Jan died at the time we were the happiest in the world.There werenīt any questions to answer for.Everything was finally perfect.Thatīs why I now canīt stop looking for an aswer to my only question:"Why did he have to leave at the moment we were so happy as we could only be?"I find out many of them but donīt know the right answer.Maybe we canīt understand it on here aware of knowledge that God is able to see far ahead and one day weīll see it,too.

Love and hugs from Janka
« Last Edit: February 14, 2015, 04:04:59 PM by Janka »
​I always kiss you from the heart,my endless love,
you know how much I love you,also stars above,
you will always be my dearest and only one,
I can not wait to be with you,my beloved Jan.

Janka

funlearningmother

  • nospam
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 139
    • View Profile
Re: I miss you all!
« Reply #18 on: February 17, 2015, 11:36:47 PM »
(((Janka)))
I think you are right that maybe we just can't see why and there must be a reason why. Maybe there is some growth you will get from the experience and it will help you with whatever you are meant to do with your life and maybe you are to help others understand their pain. lol, Ok that is what I say to myself to make it through my days and I still think that it is true for you as well.



I find out many of them but donīt know the right answer. Maybe we canīt understand it on here aware of knowledge that God is able to see far ahead and one day weīll see it,too.

Love and hugs from Janka


I have been thinking of Riki a lot and starting to remember things about him that I liked and that were important and happy. My whole life I learned to remember very little that was good or happy because I found the loss of the happiness and peace too painful and I had no way to counter the pain. As I have been working on learning to love myself and letting go of my past I find that I can handle some of the happiness better because it may hurt to remember and I still smile and am happier to remember. It is slow and I want a miracle to help me get it faster and not feel so low so often.

I hope you are well.

Hugs and love,
Shelby

Janka

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 293
  • My beloved Jan-a.d. 11/11/11
    • View Profile
Re: I miss you all!
« Reply #19 on: February 18, 2015, 08:33:54 PM »
Dear Shelby!

If there is some growth I will get from my experience,it must be a knowledge of the true love,the only one for my whole life.Sometimes I think that God sent me my beloved Jan for getting know the true love between us that may change my whole life and then he had to go back to where he is waiting for me to come.He has already finished his journey and now I have to finish mine.Once Iīm done,Iīll see him again to be in his arms forever.
I donīt know why he had to die.He wanted to live all his life with me,so I probably never stop asking why such a good,healthy and strong man must die in his best years while someone bad,ill or old can go on living for 90 years.Then I speak to myself that he was such a good,peaceful and kind person as the heaven has been waiting for him to come.
As I said before,I have so many answers,but still donīt know "why".Anyhow theyīre bringing me some comfort into my life,because Iīm sure he is in the heaven.
I just know I canīt live without him,therefore I canīt wait to be with him again.

He is everything I have,I love,I believe in...always,forever,till eternity...

Janka

« Last Edit: February 18, 2015, 08:40:34 PM by Janka »
​I always kiss you from the heart,my endless love,
you know how much I love you,also stars above,
you will always be my dearest and only one,
I can not wait to be with you,my beloved Jan.

Janka