I haven't been on in a while but i am having another one of those days. It will be 21 months on the 15th since i lost my daughter, and time just keeps ticking on and just when i think that i am finally accepting the fact that my 25 years old daughter died of accidental alcohol poisoning, because the pain is softening some on some days, i find myself having a major break down and crying uncontrollably because i miss her and i just want her to come back home. I can go weeks without crying and then hear a certain song or have a vivid memory and bam it hits like a tital wave of pain and i find myself crying like i did in those early days and asking .....WHY? WHY? WHY? I don't know if i am ever going to be able to accept it and maybe on those good days i am just fooling myself, by trying to convince myself that i am accepting it and in reality i am still in denial. Grief is so confusing, every day is different and i am realizing i have not dealt with it well and maybe thats why i am still stuck in between the denial and acceptance stages of grief. I have been self medicating with alcohol almost everyday to numb myself since the day she died and i know that is not healthy and probably part of my problem and i have cut back some and i know that i need to stop using that crutch and deal with whatever emotions i have with a clear head and face the truth. Its so hard to look at her bedroom and her things and tell myself she is never coming back and not want to numb that pain. I can't even walk past her room at night to go to bed without pausing for a moment and saying good night and i love you to her. I can't stop thinking about her, the night she died, just everything and thought maybe i would start a journal and just start writing whatever i am feeling at the time down on paper and vent it all out. I thought about seeing somebody to talk to but i am not sure that is the kind of help i want as i know they just give you drugs to cope and isn't that the same as having a few drinks a day to cope? A friend of mine lost her 26 yr old son back in June in a car crash and she is on several meds now and i am not sure if they are really helping her or not as she still seems very depressed but how can she not be, i tell her i am here if she wants to talk but i rarely hear from her and i understand, i have a hard time talking about the fact that we lost our children way to young, i understand the need to be alone and wanting to be left alone. I quess the drug thing scares me to because i am afraid of the side effects and worry that they could push me over the edge, as i am not suicidal now, but i have had some dark thoughts in the past, in the early months, when i didn't think i could go on and felt almost a need to know she was ok in heaven, the drugs scare me. I quess all i can do is keep trying to accept what is and try to do it in more postive ways so that i can be there for my son, grandson and husband because most of the time i am shut down emotionaly, and they are hurting too and some times i forget that because they don't talk about it much at all. I am wondering is it possible to fully accept that your child has died before you?