Author Topic: Acceptance  (Read 2068 times)

MissSteph4ever

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Acceptance
« on: January 12, 2015, 10:55:08 AM »
I haven't been on in a while but i am having another one of those days. It will be 21 months on the 15th since i lost my daughter, and time just keeps ticking on and just when i think that i am finally accepting the fact that my 25 years old daughter died of accidental alcohol poisoning, because the pain is softening some on some days, i find myself having a major break down and crying uncontrollably because i miss her and i just want her to come back home. I can go weeks without crying and then hear a certain song or have a vivid memory and bam it hits like a tital wave of pain and i find myself crying like i did in those early days and asking .....WHY? WHY? WHY? I don't know if i am ever going to be able to accept it and maybe on those good days i am just fooling myself, by trying to convince myself that i am accepting it and in reality i am still in denial. Grief is so confusing, every day is different and i am realizing i have not dealt with it well and maybe thats why i am still stuck in between the denial and acceptance stages of grief. I have been self medicating with alcohol almost everyday to numb myself since the day she died and i know that is not healthy and probably part of my problem and i have cut back some and  i know that i need to stop using that crutch and deal with whatever emotions i have with a clear head and face the truth. Its so hard to look at her bedroom and her things and tell myself she is never coming back and not want to numb that pain. I can't even walk past her room at night to go to bed without pausing for a moment and saying good night and i love you to her. I can't stop thinking about her, the night she died, just everything and thought maybe i would start a journal and just start writing whatever i am feeling at the time down on paper and vent it all out. I thought about seeing somebody to talk to but i am not sure that is the kind of help i want as i know they just give you drugs to cope and isn't that the same as having a few drinks a day to cope? A friend of mine lost her 26 yr old son back in June in a car crash and she is on several meds now and i am not sure if they are really helping her or not as she still seems very depressed but how can she not be, i tell her i am here if she wants to talk but i rarely hear from her and i understand, i have a hard time talking about the fact that we lost our children way to young, i understand the need to be alone and wanting to be left alone. I quess the drug thing scares me to because i am afraid of the side effects and worry that they could push me over the edge, as i am not suicidal now, but i have had some dark thoughts in the past, in the early months, when i didn't think i could go on and felt almost a need to know she was ok in heaven, the drugs scare me. I quess all i can do is keep trying to accept what is and try to do it in more postive ways so that i can be there for my son, grandson and husband because most of the time i am shut down emotionaly, and they are hurting too and some times i forget that because they don't talk about it much at all. I am wondering is it possible to fully accept that your child has died before you?
My beautiful daughter Stephanie Leigh 9/16/87-4/15/13 [nofollow]

Terry

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Re: Acceptance
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2015, 12:11:47 PM »

(((((Melissa)))))

Good to hear from you and I certainly understand your struggles. 21 months is still very recent and considered to be early grief, when losing a child, that is. After Jeff died it wasn't until the third year when I believed that I was going to make it, to find a purpose for my life and also a way to continue to honor Jeff. It is a long journey and the work of grief is painful but on the other side is healing. Feeling everything, as painful as it is I believe is the only path to healing our hearts.

Both denial and anger have gotten a bad wrap. Denial protects us for a time as we're not yet ready to remember and feel everything all at once.

Let me also say out of love and care for you that alcohol is a depressant and numbs our senses and puts off the inevitable of feeling the pain *that we need to feel in order to heal.*

Have you considered grief counseling? You may need to try a few before you're comfortable sharing. Sometimes family cannot always help as they are also in deep pain and confused by many of the emotions that grief carries. It may be something to think about.
I was once prescribed anti-depressants after Jeff died and they just made me feel awful because I wasn't depressed, I was sad. But that doesn't mean that there are not good meds out there and one that could possibly help you. I would see your family doctor and they can recommend seeing someone who may be able to help you through this very difficult time. There is no shame in needing help. I needed this board. These people who understood my pain and I posted here, along with keeping a journal at home every day. Some of my posts looked more like short stories but it really helped me to get my feelings out and more than that, to know that someone was listening.

We're always here for you, Melissa and truly understand the depth of the pain from losing a child. You are never alone. :love9:

Love,
Terry

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Acceptance
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2015, 04:24:00 PM »
I still struggle after 8 1/2 years. And I have been through many treatment options. I don't want to accept the reality. Tom Golden is a good source for questions. He recently helped me. I too, self-medicate, my choice is food which leads to a myriad of health issues. My husband chose alcohol for a while.
I still believe in seeking out bereavement treatment, psychiatrist and meds if deemed necessary. Sometimes without meds you cannot be in an emotional place to really hear what the bereavement counselors, groups, etc. have to say. A counselor that you really connect with was very vital to me. Groups online, large groups like TCF and small groups were a good source of help for me too. Hospice provides 1:1 counseling and then moves you into a group for free! That was one that my husband really like (as did I).
I feel like I kissed a lot of frogs until I got to the right psychiatrist, right counselor and it is still a juggling game with treatment meds as time goes on and my emotions and body changes. It takes a lot to be dedicated to stick with it because it is hard work. I knew that after my suicide attempt & I saw the hurt that I caused my family that I had to do it.
I hope that you perservere and lay off the self medicating as that can cause instant death or debilitating affects from health related issues. My 2015 resolve is to make better food choices and to start walking.
I wish there was a pill for sadness but there isn't, so the best that I can do is to take antidepressants. At least it helps me to "balance" out my feelings so I am not plummeting to the depths of emotional hell daily.
((Hugs))
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

MARTHA(CANDI'S AUNT)

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Re: Acceptance
« Reply #3 on: January 19, 2015, 06:57:49 PM »
I'M sorry you're in so much pain...  I agree with TERRY 21 MO. isn't a long time on this journey... to me the 2nd year was harder than the first...

if it wasn't for this board & some counceling I don't know what i'd have done... I still take antidepressents..  & CANDI will be gone 10 yrs. in MAY...  I still miss her & want her to come back... know that i'll keep you in my thought's & prayers...

sending you hug's,
  MARTHA