new member...help needed

[Riss24]

Rocko32,
Oh my heart is with you, too. Our daughters died one day apart. May I ask how old Stacy was? It's just so painfully hard every day. Along with visiting her gravesite almost daily I too have kept up with the mowing etc, the cemetery where she's buried is small and maintenance is done just a couple times a year on designated dates by community volunteers, otherwise it's up to family members to deal with the upkeep-or not. I vow to take care of my daughter's as long as I have breath in me. For me, it's a case of this being the only way I can "take care of her" still.
I haven't been on this site for a week or more, been having rough days...it's just after 5a.m. where I live and haven't been to bed yet, past several nights I've been having disturbing dreams and sleep in general is just hard for me to get as I can't shut my mind off.
I see you are new here, too. So sorry to "meet" this way. My sincerest sympathy to you and your family. I'm not at a place yet where I can offer up any real encouragement, except that all of us on this site are in it together. Reading your reply re your daughtet's passing made my heart hurt for you. May peace and healing be yours...

[Rocko32]

Riss, Stacy was 32. The Big Sister to my other 2 daughters.

My little one is especially taking it hard. Sometimes I get wrapped up in my own grief and forget theirs.

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only crazy one at a cemetery mowing and weeding! I used the excuse of watering her grave during the hot summer here in Oklahoma to go out everyday. Now that Fall is here I'll need a new one.

Stacy's birthday is not until January 20th. Like you I am dreading that day. We are both in the year firsts without our daughters. I think those are especially tough for a parent, but I don't think the 2nd's, 3rd's etc will be any better.

My wife, my little one (23) and I have been attending weekly grief sessions. Too early to tell if the help. We also attend a monthly meeting of Parents who have lost a child (Compassionate Friends) we get a lot of comfort at that meeting because everyone gets us!

I've lurked here since June, your post went straight to my soul. I feel so deeply for you, I can't tell you I know how you feel because each of us is different! Don't hesitate to reach out when you need to vent.

Here is a quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald that gave us a lot of comfort.

“She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul. She is beautiful.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald

[Terry]

((((Rocko))))

I'm so sorry that your precious daughter, Stacy has died. Welcome to Webhealing.

Along with posting daily on these boards, I also attended Compassionate Friends meetings and they were very helpful. For me it was the human touch, the hugs from another parent and the events were very inspirational - many ways to honor my children.

Beautiful quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald.

The firsts are very difficult. Know we are here for you with open hearts.

Love,
Terry

[Rocko32]

Terry,

Thank you for your kind words. I lurked here since June, taking comfort in the many posts. Riss's post hit my very soul, and I had to tell her she's not alone or I may still be lurking.

We've been attending Compassionate Friends since July, the first 2 or 3 meetings we just cried. But, it felt like we were home. Everyone there gets it, just as everyone here gets it.

Rocko

[Terry]

((((((Rocko))))))

[Janka]

Dear Rocko!

I´m sorry for your loss,too!

Hugs from Janka

[Adams Brokenhearted Mama]

I used to visit Adam a lot in the early years. I felt a strong need to be where his body was. I felt physically close to him. I also imagined that he had a need for me to be there by him. Now, 8 years later I only visit him occasionally. I like to go, bring him flowers, cards, etc. out of respect to the burial place of my son. It makes me feel so sad and yet as a Mom it makes me feel like I am not forgetting his physical presence. My husband will go with me, rarely, if ever, on his own. My daughter goes occasionally and my other sons hardly ever go. I was afraid that if my children didn't go visit their sibling it was because they were putting him in the past and not keeping him alive in the daily minds and hearts. I would like my sons to visit Adam more often I won't say that to them because I do accept that everyone has a way of coping with death, pain & loss unique to them.
I visit my parents and brother for certain annually if not one or more times a year. I need to pay my respects to their resting place and yet feel that since they are together that they don't 'need" me as much as Adam does to be there. That's why I used the word imagined before. It just has to be in my mind - wanting him to need me even though he is no longer in this physical world. I guess it is just part of my coping of accepting the fact that he is gone.

[Doug1222]

I would like my sons to visit Adam more often I won't say that to them because I do accept that everyone has a way of coping with death, pain & loss unique to them.

I think that's a very unique, personal thing. I never visit cemetaries. My sister, brother, dad, grandparents, and several aunts and uncles are all within a few feet of each other. I've never been there except for another burial excluding one time I took my sister there when she was home.

It's very important to her to visit them whenever she's home. It does nothing for me. I feel nothing at gravesites. My mom doesn't go, either. I don't think she's ever visited a grave, and she has two kids and a husband buried right by each other.

It's a philosophical thing, I think. To me, it's just a place. I don't think they're there. To my sister, it's a bond.

I feel like I'm visiting them during certain events. Baseball makes me feel close to my brother. Deer hunting makes me feel close to my dad. I cry every year on opening morning of deer season. When the sun is coming up, I feel closer to him than any other minute of the year.

Graves do nothing for me.

I'm glad it brings comfort to other people, though. I think it's just a philosophical difference. 

[Adams Brokenhearted Mama]

My condolences to you Rocko32. I am glad that you found us. Some people stay for a short time or for years. It's a great comfort to be able to post whenever you want and the online bonds you can make. In the past some of the board members have even gone on to meet one another in person. Like you, with Riss24, you can find people you connect with a little more. I hope that this board can provide a degree of comfort to you.
Peace & blessings to you.

[barb0617]

Riss, I'm so sorry that you have lost your daughter but I am so glad for you that you have found this site. I don't know how I would have survived without the support I found here 24/7. When I couldn't sleep. When people said, it's been a year, time to get over it and be who you used to be. I lost my 21 year old son Jimmy in a car accident. Eight years later I lost my Tommy, bi-polar, to suicide.  I want you to keep telling yourself that you WILL survive.  You WILL survive and live your life in a way that honors your beloved daughter. In the beginning we survive a day at a time, we get through the next hour.  I want you to have hope that one day life will be worth living.  You will have your own journey, your own story to tell. In my story, for three years I really didn't care if I lived or I died. I wasn't suicidal - I just didn't care. But I had surviving kids. I knew my fun-loving, always-smiling Jim wanted me to do more than just survive.  I read on this site a post from a girl who had lost her sister who said that she lost her parents, too, because they never really came back after their loss. I didn't want my surviving kids to feel like that. I kept pushing myself, when I could, to be present to them - when I could. I rebuilt myself and my life without my son.  And 8 years later I did it again. People say oh you're so strong.  Maybe, maybe not.  We can sit in a dark curtained room and never come out - really, that's the way we feel. Or we can slowly. But surely begin to live again. There were so many times when I didn't think I could survive, so many times when I didn't want to. But I sure am glad I did. I have two daughters, and one has married and given us two sweet grand kids.  New life has made a big difference for all of us. Keep holding on, keep telling yourself that one day it will get better. You'll always miss your sweet daughter - tears are the price of love. But one day the excruciating pain will soften.  Know that I care.
Barb

[Zoësmamma222]

Hello All,

First time posting as well.  I recently lost my Daughter in the tragic Marysville Pilchuck High School Shooting in Marysville, WA on October 24,2014.  This is very raw...very painful and unimaginable...

I am thankful I came across this site to find understanding and sharing with those that share my pain..I'm hoping that when everyone else has gone away or gone to sleep you will be there to keep listening and providing the words of healing that we all need. 

My beautiful daughter was 14 years old she loved art, music and had a laugh that was contagious.  She was beautiful inside and out.  I named her Zoë which means "Life" for that is exactly what she exuded.  I feel her in my heart and I know she is with me, but it does not take away the pain of missing her every second of every day. 

[Riss24]

I am so very, very sorry about your precious little girl. 14 years old, practically a baby. I too am thankful that you found this site. It has helped me, even in the short time since I joined. There are many kind, encouraging, caring people here who want for nothing but to support and listen and be here to let you know you aren't alone. It IS raw and unimaginably painful, you're so right...and I'm so sorry for the hurt you're going through. Please know that you've taken a step in the right direction, you will find hope here. Hugs to you

[Zoësmamma222]

Thank you Riss24 I am reading through all the stories and as sad and overwhelming as it is it is comforting to know that some of the feelings that I'm having or going through are normal.

[Terry]

((((((Zoësmamma222))))))

I am so sorry that your Zoe has died. So tragic, too. She was beautiful. A kindness in her smile touched my heart through the TV screen and brought tears.

We're always here to listen, day and night. You're right that there comes a time when others go away and even go on with their lives and since our lives come to a halt when our children die, we're in a different place. This is a safe place to come to share all of your feelings.

Welcome to Webhealing.

One day, one minute at a time. Deep Breaths. And, know you're loved and cared for here.

Love,
Terry

[Zoësmamma222]

Terry,

Thank you so much! I am glad to be here

~Michelle