Its been a while since i posted on here, i have been going on the compasionate friends page on face book the last few months but that is not private and all my friends see what i post or comment on. I was drawn here today because its private and this is also the first place i sought support online when i lost Stephanie. Her birthday is the 16th and its all i can think about lately, she would be turning 27 this year. I miss her so much and its only on pages like this that other people understand what i am going through. I am trying to move forward but its a hard wave to ride, this wave of grief is up and then down, and if your not careful it feels like it will pull you down deep. Its been almost 17 months since Steph died and i can't believe that much time has passed since i last saw her or spoke to her. My marriage is suffering, we both grieve differently and some times the distance between us seems so far, its hard to have those loving feelings when your heart is broken. We have had money and family issues as well, his mom has really bad dementia and he is going to have to become her gaurdian and his sibblings are irresponsible and can't even take care of themselves. I just keep putting on foot in front of the other and go through through the motions of life. I know now the pain will always be there and pray that some day i can find peace within myself. Its going to be up and down this next week, my grandson turns 2 on the 12th and we will be celebrating with family this Sunday which will be nice but its always a somebody is missing feeling when we get together now. Stephs birthday is the 16th which will be hard and we are going to to release a few balloons and drink a beer with her at the cemetary that day, she was all about celebrating her birthdays and i know she would love that.