The grief rollercoaster journey

[Adams Brokenhearted Mama]

Almost a year ago, at my Adam's 7th heavenly anniversary date I felt more at peace that I had felt in a very long time. It was a comfortable feeling.
Now, almost 1 year later I am in a horrible emotional state and it is such an uncomfortable feeling.
I am hoping that once Adam's anniversary date passes some of that buildup of tension will automatically subside.
The tension is so real to me that I feel like I could cut it with a knife.
I'm living with "waiting for the other shoe to drop" … meaning Kate. To date, she is doing all things right and yet because of my worries (which I intellectually know are destructive & useless) I am waiting to lose her too.
I'm contemplating going back to therapy although after 8 long years of it I feel like I know the "tricks of the trade" and not much new insight can be brought to me.
I am planning on a trip to Aruba with Craig & friends and shortly after that going to visit my granddaughter and then go on to Fla. Hopefully a change of scenery will help out.
I stopped playing the harp and as of tomorrow am resuming lessons. Maybe that is a positive step in the right direction? I dunno, but I can try.
My heart broke when Adam died and yet it keeps on beating. I just don't understand why it doesn't just stop. I am not the person I used to be and that BS about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is rubbish. I don't feel stronger, I feel broken in so many pieces.
I have many joys in my life. A wonderful husband, blessings of family and friendship, not one but 2 homes, plentiful food … and yet I know that I am sounding ungrateful for all of that. I'm not - I just hunger for more and that more cannot ever be satisfied without Adam. How is it done … to pick up the pieces of your life and begin anew? 8 years later and the very special blessing of a granddaughter and yet I still want to lay down my head and slip away. The pain of losing Adam is just so overwhelming.
Sadly,
Paula

[Terry]

Almost a year ago, at my Adam's 7th heavenly anniversary date I felt more at peace that I had felt in a very long time. It was a comfortable feeling.

Hey friend...I understand as I also go through months and even years where I feel peaceful and strong and then I'm basically where you are now. It's such a bad place to be because I find myself squirming to get comfortable and then I try to claw my way out of the pit I am in. I even scream and for those moments I don't remember anything. And, just for a moment I only hear the sound of my voice. I neither see nor feel anthing else. I see no visions in my head. The visions of death that haunt me. Sounds crazy, I know. It's what pain does to me.

I have many joys in my life. A wonderful husband, blessings of family and friendship, not one but 2 homes, plentiful food … and yet I know that I am sounding ungrateful for all of that. I'm not - I just hunger for more and that more cannot ever be satisfied without Adam. How is it done … to pick up the pieces of your life and begin anew? 8 years later and the very special blessing of a granddaughter and yet I still want to lay down my head and slip away. The pain of losing Adam is just so overwhelming.

I can remember so many people offering their wonderful words of wisdom regarding how grateful I should be that I have a granddaughter. My dead son's daughter. Well...she's not my son. She cannot replace my son in any way, shape or form. In fact as time goes by she is looking, behaving and becoming her MOTHER who I do not like, at all. And since she became a teenager and has also, sadly become tech addicted, I don't even know who she is anymore and that's very sad. But, I certainly do understand that it's not always easy or even honest to be grateful and it's especially not healthy when others spew their *shoulds* in all their knowledge on us.

You're acknowledging the joys in your life and that's a wonderful thing. Not everyone realizes how much joy they really have in their lives because at times it's hard to see past the pain. It's OK to not feel joyful all of the time. There's no crime in that. And everyone who's buried a child can understand why you're feeling overwhelmed. Just know that you're not alone in how you're feeling. I understand. Many others understand. I wish I could do more.

With Adam's Angel Date coming up on the 6th, this time is especially confusing and painful. And, you have my heart.

I have no idea who said "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" because it makes no sense to me at all. I miss my children more and more everyday and that's never going to change. How could it??? I just know that there are good days and bad days. There are good years and bad years. And, like you, Paula I hunger for more.

I don't think we pick up the pieces and start anew. I believe that after much examination and bewilderment and time, we begin to carefully pick up those pieces and accept that they have become a part of our new lives, and we try to make them fit where ever and whenever we can even though some may have sharp and jagged edges. So, we carefully reshape each one as they make their way back into our existence. They don't all come back, though. A void is left that nothing and no one can fill. It's the place where they used to live.

I wish I could have written an encouraging and comforting post. Words of wisdom to help see you through this difficult time. But, I'm finding myself in the same place, Paula.

A vacation always helps, even a little so do have a good time and try to enjoy all of the beauty that surrounds you. I have a huge garden this year and that has kept me very busy. Plus, I eat only what I grow so it's saving on the food bill, too! 

Remember that these dates weigh very heavy on us and can change everything. Literally as the pain and the sadness can bring about a chemical imbalance in our brains. I try to remember that there is a time (and it's so special...it promises peace and an echo of hope) after the date and that time I look forward to like a child anticipating Christmas.

You are in my heart, always.

Love,
Terry