Author Topic: lost and drowning  (Read 5071 times)

funlearningmother

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lost and drowning
« on: May 29, 2014, 10:25:24 PM »
In a nutshell. The last 5 years went from bad to worse and I am now in limbo. In 2009-2010 my counselor betrayed me. In 2011 I lost my kids to their dad. I felt unsupported and to weak to fight for them so I went 3000 miles away literally to my then boyfriend. We planned on getting married so I had all my stuff moved by movers and put in storage.
May 15 2012 my now fiance died in a car accident. It was 1 am and I had been driving because he was drunk. He started calling me names and I got out of the car to calm down and he got in the drivers seat and waited for me to get in. I was too angry so I closed the car door and he took off. We were in upstate NY backwoods, he lost control about a block or 2 away from me in length. I didn't think it was that bad. All the damage was internal and I didn't know... I shook him... I am so much smarter then that. He died of a cranial fracture was the cause of death and when I called the doctor later (and they didn't want to talk to me because I was just his fiance) he said that there was so much internal bleeding that it wouldn't have made a difference if they had been faster or not. I had to walk to the house to get my cell phone to call for help and I was scared so I called a friend of his first who said he couldn't get him out of the car it was too bad of an angle so then I called for help. There is a lot more to the story and if I piss anyone off I really hope they will think twice before judging me.
Right after the funeral I found out that most of his family didn't like me or want me around. Thought I was out for his money which was a big joke because he had none. No insurance and no will and because I was a fiance I was third or forth in line for any of his stuff although his father said I could take what I wanted of his stuff.
To get through all that pain without killing myself I got myself another boyfriend he gave me something to live for. He convinced me to come back to my kids. End of November 2012 I made it back here to my kids but had no money or place to live so started out on the streets. My first time doing that and not an experience that I care to repeat although I did learn a lot from that.
Finally got a place and was able to get my stuff out of storage and got another big blow. The movers didn't pack about a quarter of my stuff.
My kids and boyfriend are what keep me going, that's it. I lost my faith in the human race and feel like I have nothing substantial to stand on. No one can help me out from this hell I am in. I carry such a lot of anger for others and for myself. I still miss my fiance a whole ton and wish he were here. He could be such a jerk and yet he had so many good qualities.
I don't know what to do with myself. I can't go back and yet I have nothing to move forward to. When my kids are grown and gone then what?

MyLou

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Re: lost and drowning
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2014, 07:08:08 AM »
((((( Mother )))))

I am so sorry for the loss of your fiancee'. Of course all of the other bad that you had in your life.  

You had come to the right place.  We are family here and don't judge.  I am glad that you have your children back in your life.  

We all wish we could go back but we somehow need to move forward.  We all grieve differently. We have good days and bad.  It's been 3 1/2 years now for me.  I do have bad days still.  I know Lou wants me to move forward and is always with me. I talk to him all the time and will always love and miss him.  

We all have this new life that we didn't ask for.  If we don't move forward we will be stuck forever and that will not be healthy for us.  Our spouses wouldn't want that for us either.

I wish I had the answer for you of what to do.  I am still trying to figure my life out too.  Don't be so hard on yourself.

We are here for you if you want to vent, yell , cry.  If you like tell us more about your fiancee' and children.

Sending, love, peace, hope and light

Always,

Lisa  

"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

jbryant

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Re: lost and drowning
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2014, 04:42:42 PM »
Hi and Welcome to WH I can only ditto what Lisa has said and add one must learn to forgive oneself and only then can you learn to forgive others and as long as its the truth, who really cares what others think we can not judge its not our place or time and we are not God. may you rest your weary soul and you are wiser for the pain you have suffered.

funlearningmother

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Re: lost and drowning
« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2014, 08:23:23 PM »
Ok so how do I get my life back together? I don't work and I have my kids on the weekends. I watch others moving forward. working hard, volunteering and I think how can I ever handle so much activity. I feel inadequate, worthless and hopeless. The best thing I have been is a good mother. I realize that I carry a lot of anger and bitterness as well. I am working on letting it go but I have never been really good at it. I haven't figured out the best way for me to do that. I hope someday I get it. Sooner would be nicer then later and definitely gently. I have had enough pain to last me the rest of my life.

Terry

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Re: lost and drowning
« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2014, 08:51:42 AM »


I'm sorry that your fiance died in the tragic accident. It takes time. Try and be patient with yourself though it's not always easy. Your heart will begin to heal.
The anger is normal. A lot of people feel anger when their loved ones die. It's a bumpy road for a long time.

It's wonderful that you have your children back.


Raising your children is an important job and probably the greatest experience you'll ever have. Just like life, it's one day at a time. There's no need getting overwhelmed with what you're going to do when they're grown, right? It's now that's important. For them and for you. My children died. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have my children here with me. You're so lucky to have that love in your life. And, the journey ahead with it's up's and down's, making so many memories is really something to look forward to. Enjoy your precious children.

Welcome to webhealing. Feel free to post anytime. There's always someone here to listen, to lend an ear or send a hug. Thanks for sharing your story with us.



I hope someday I get it. Sooner would be nicer then later and definitely gently. I have had enough pain to last me the rest of my life.

Grief and the road to mending our lives isn't a quick fix. It takes a lot of hard work...soul searching.

And, on having enough pain to last the rest of your life...........?
.....it just feels that way.

Terry



funlearningmother

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Re: lost and drowning
« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2014, 10:59:30 PM »
Thank you all for your support. I keep taking those baby steps and at the moment I just feel alone. My kids are my lifeline. When I am with them my energy level goes up and I feel happier especially watching their individual personality traits. If I don't think about the past I do pretty good. The funny thing is that no matter how much I try to hide from the pain it always finds me. I am, literally 3000 miles from where my fiance died and he is everywhere. I get reminders all the time about him.
I loved him so much and he so many good qualities and then there are the issues he had, especially with women. He was adopted into an abusive family at about 2 or 3 yrs old. Because of all the half truths he told me I am not sure what is totally real. I have had to hear other stories to confirm some of his stories and I also lived with him and his father for a year and a half and so I got to see first hand how manipulative and degrading his father was to him. He used to say his father treated him like a piece of property. That is what I saw when I lived with them.
My fiance had me by the throat a few times and I didn't care because I had lost my children, for very slim reasons and half truths others told and because of my lack of strength to stand up for myself. I felt like my children had died and I didn't want to live anymore. I felt ashamed and humiliated and judged by everyone else and my fiance was the only one who was there for me. Those times he had me by the throat I just looked him in the eye, relaxed and thought to myself, if you are going to kill me then just kill me. I didn't care. He even had a rifle out a few times, showing me because I have never been around guns and once he threatened me with it. I told him to do it, if he was going to and he didn't and he said if I wanted to die I would have to pull the trigger. I couldn't do it. I didn't really want to die I just want the pain to stop. He was also very verbally abusive and I took it all.
I know that sounds terrible and I feel so ashamed but he did have good and sometimes I was so angry with him for how he treated me and other times I loved him so much. When he died in the car crash I was kind of numb and I didn't think it was as bad as it seemed....there were so many factors to that accident and my thoughts and actions. I know I'm not supposed to carry guilt and well I don't know if it's guilt or pain? Maybe both.
There were good things about him. How much he loved nature and how the animals were attracted to him. He cared for people too even though he said he didn't like the human race. He would help anyone in whatever way he could whether it was assistance or money. He taught me to use the internet for information, to hear the words to songs I listen to or research information about history, world events, etc. And my family he said they were so important. He knew that I had my issues with them and yet he felt that they were so important for me to keep in contact with. Most importantly my kids. I called them once a week or sooner, unless the pain hit me particularly strong, the longest I waited was 2 weeks. He also taught me to cook without fear, to try new things, working with different herbs and making tasty meals. I had never experimented much because I was always afraid to mess things up. I am very much a perfectionist.
Ok that's it for now. I am drained and tired. Night all

MyLou

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Re: lost and drowning
« Reply #6 on: June 03, 2014, 04:54:09 PM »
((( Mother )))


Greif follows us no matter how far away we think we are.  We can't hide from it. Some people don't deal with it until later in life and I think that would be so hard.  We have to go through it to get through it.  Some people journal, go to grief groups or a therapist. You may want to try them.  I know there are grief groups in all states.  You would have to google it in your area.  

I felt guilt after Lou passed.  I told him I think he's having signs of a heart attack.  He assured me it wasn't.  Well, 3 hours later I got that horrible call at work.  I blamed myself for 5-6 months.  I thought I should've made him go to the hospital.  You have to try to let that go and don't blame yourself.  He got behind that wheel there was nothing you could've done.

Do you still have pain ? Sure you do it's normal.

I am just making some suggestions to occupy your time. Can you get a part time job or volunteer somewhere ?  When you are busy your mind stays busy.

Please don't feel worthless you are WORTHY !!

Here is an article for forgiveness. If you want to try it.

Just remember grief takes time .....
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Why Learning to Forgive is Crucial for Your Heart and Health



About You, Being Single, Important Questions About You, Mind, Body And Spirit


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you know that unforgiveness causes you stress and can affect your health? Every time we think of those who have transgressed against us, our body responds. Blood pressure and heart rates go up. Facial muscles tense and stress hormones rise. Chronic stress may also affect the immune and cardiovascular systems.

On the other hand, forgiveness reduces stress by replacing negative emotions with positive ones. Some research suggests that when married partners don’t forgive each other for past hurts, they are less able to manage conflict in the present. Apparently adults who can’t forgive their parents for mistakes may unconsciously transfer their anger to their spouses!

Scientific studies link the act of and benefits from forgiveness with reduced blood pressure and stress hormone levels, less pain, reduced depression and anger, relief in sufferers of chronic back pain, fewer relapses in women in substance abuse programs, as well as fewer symptoms of depression and stress.

Although forgiveness is an act that will help you heal, have you ever said, “I’ll forgive, but I won’t forget!” Would you rather carry around grudges, unwilling to write them off until you have the love, apology, caring, or approval you think is owed to you? When you act this way, you hurt your emotional health by constantly reminding yourself of how others have failed you and what they owe you. I used to feel at a loss as to what to say that would help my clients learn how to forgive until I read Dr. Gerald Jampolsky’s advice. This renowned psychiatrist suggested:

“Forgiveness is letting go of all hopes for a better past.”

The past is past, yet you may be driving yourself into despair and anger because you can’t undo what was done “back then”. You keep those wounds open because it validates your feelings when others notice how you martyr yourself. Try to become aware of how much energy it takes to keep your anger going, and how it depletes you. Think about how good and how light you will feel when you release the other person from your frustration.

If you aren’t sure that you are ready to let go of your unforgiveness, try this simple acupressure mindfulness method. Sit in a comfortable chair or lie down. Place one hand over your forehead. Cup the back of your head just above the neck (called the occipital area) with your other hand. Put light pressure on these two areas. Focus on one of these thoughts at a time:

I am not sure that I want to forgive _________ (name of person) for __________ (his/her transgression).

Perhaps I am not ready to forgive because I get something out of continuing to hold on to my ________ (anger, hurt, depression).

Relax and let go as you think. Remain in this position until you feel finished. Some people experience a sense of total let-go, a kind of shift of your energy. Others start to have thoughts or memories about the situation. If that happens, flow with it and watch it until you reach a place of understanding and acceptance that, indeed, it is over and time for you to get on with your life. You may feel completion after one minute, five minutes, or more. Each of us processes at our own rate, so don’t push yourself. Relax and observe the process.

Once you are ready to forgive, make a list of people in your life, past and present, who have not lived up to your expectations, or those you are still angry with. For each name, write the specific deed or situation that you have not forgotten or forgiven. When you are ready to let go of the old grudges, choose one name at a time and practice the mindfulness approach. As you feel finished with your grudge against each one, put both hands over your heart and say one of the following affirmative statements followed by three deep breaths. Once you feel at peace, move on to the next one on your list.

Even though I have not been able to forgive you for ____________, what happened is over and I can’t go back in time and relive it the way I wish it had happened. I am choosing to let it be history and get on with my life.

Even though I have not been able to forgive you for ____________, what happened is over and I can’t go back in time and relive it the way I wish it had happened. It is over and I am ready to allow a scar to form over that memory. So although I remember it, I feel no pain or anger about it.

Here’s an example of the power of forgiveness: after Jill released her former husband because he hadn’t paid child support for five years, she felt renewed. A week later, he called and told her that conditions were suddenly improving in his life. She explained that she had just let go of her anger toward him. He said, “Your hold on me was very great!” He also began to pay child support.

Your final task is for you to forgive yourself. Write down all your misdemeanors. What are your major faults or sins? Have you ever noticed that in our society, even murderers can get out of prison on parole after serving their sentence? Yet you may believe that you have committed such awful crimes against others you deserve lifelong purgatory! Look at your list of offenses toward yourself and others.

Think of the person you love most in the world. If this were his or her list, could you forgive him or her? Make a special time for your personal forgiveness ceremony. Use the two methods you have just learned to go through your list. For each item say:

Even though ___________(name) is unwilling to forgive me for ___________ and I don’t blame him or her for holding a grudge against me, I am ready to apologize and to forgive myself for my behavior.

After you have addressed each of your wrongdoings, read each item on your list and announce out loud that you forgive yourself. In the following days you may notice that you feel less stress and more at peace.

Always,

Lisa

"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

funlearningmother

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Re: lost and drowning
« Reply #7 on: June 04, 2014, 08:36:54 AM »
Thank you very much, Lisa. A couple of things caught my eye in that information. I'm not sure that I am up for that type of healing yet. I am being very safe with myself, like I have never been and not forcing myself to do anything I feel that I have to because of what others think I should be doing. I have been told many times that I should go to work or volunteer, anything to get me out of the house. I was not at all ready. My desire to be around people and be sociable was low to the point that I pissed off one of my friends that tried to help me. I have been very negative and she got tired of it. I tried to warn her but wasn't sure how to put what I was feeling into words. I knew that she was trying to help and I kept telling myself I should go out with her because it was good for me and now she hasn't really talked to me in a few months.
I have been working on myself and I have done some things to help myself. I am starting to feel a little safer and a little stronger just enough to consider finding part time work. My self hatred and anger at the way people treated me has lead me to dislike interacting with anyone, even those who really do want to help. In fact a couple of months ago I realized that I lost my belief that people really do care. I used to really believe it but for the first time in my life I didn't. That was hard to face and then I had an insight at one point that maybe it wasn't that I don't believe that people don't care but maybe it's that I don't care anymore and that was even scarier because in the past I have always cared about others and wanted to help. I liked the feeling. That's why I love my kids so much. It's like they are my biggest accomplishment. I worked so hard to change who I was so that they could learn different behaviors and how to take care of themselves better and be happier then I ever was. Maybe they can make something good out of their lives that I never could. Have a career and family and be happy in both.
Anyway, I decided to write my life story for my kids so that maybe someday they can kind of understand the choices I made and why I wasn't with them for awhile. The only thing that keeps me focused on my story is that I really want them to know why I did the things I did, maybe it will help them to understand and give them another angle to think about when dealing with people. After my fiance died I realized how much physical junk I carried in my life and how worthless it is and it just makes life harder to have too much stuff. I want to pass on all those little tidbits of information that I learned and maybe they will find useful.

Terry

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Re: lost and drowning
« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2014, 10:34:56 AM »

Wow....What a thoughtful message/response, Lisa. ((((((((Lis))))))) :love9:

Hugs :love4:

Terry

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Re: lost and drowning
« Reply #9 on: June 04, 2014, 11:10:28 AM »
I'm not sure that I am up for that type of healing yet. I am being very safe with myself, like I have never been and not forcing myself to do anything I feel that I have to because of what others think I should be doing. I have been told many times that I should go to work or volunteer, anything to get me out of the house. I was not at all ready.

I agree that it takes time and timing is everything when it comes to taking such a huge leap as working toward forgiving others and even more difficult than that, ourselves. It can be a life long process and some never attain the peace it brings.
People used to tell me," It's OK, Terry because you did the best you could." Well, that was not true in some cases. Yes, I thought I did the best I could at the time with what I had to work with, emotionally. And today, instead of feeling guilty (I used to and for a long time) I've taken responsibility because I know I could have made better choices. Healthier ones. The guilt took me no where in life but accepting responsibility allowed me to step back and take a long hard look at my future choices I'll make and I remind myself of the result from my choices that were not the best at the time. And, that allows me to not make the same mistakes over and over again. It's a journey. It's peeling off the layers.

You asked if it was guilt or pain; I can assure you that the pain from guilt atop grieving can feel unbearable. Grieving is difficult enough but when we throw guilt into the mix it prevents us from healing our hearts. We can also become *stuck* in our grief and not move for many, many years. It can and does cripple us. When you feel it's the right time, only then will you take steps to alleviate that tremendous weight you're carrying around. Know that we're here for you and it helps to post your feelings. We've all been there. There are no exceptions. And, there are never any judgments.


Anyway, I decided to write my life story for my kids so that maybe someday they can kind of understand the choices I made and why I wasn't with them for awhile. The only thing that keeps me focused on my story is that I really want them to know why I did the things I did, maybe it will help them to understand and give them another angle to think about when dealing with people. After my fiance died I realized how much physical junk I carried in my life and how worthless it is and it just makes life harder to have too much stuff. I want to pass on all those little tidbits of information that I learned and maybe they will find useful.

When your kids get older it will be healing for them to learn more about you and as you shared, also about why you were absent in their lives at certain points. They can learn so many wonderful things from you as you begin to heal yourself. They can learn that the human race isn't full of bad people and hatred, just the opposite. And, more importantly you can share with them how you learned to love yourself again and the long road to self discovery where once there was only self hatred. They can also learn forgiveness from you when you reach that point as they will need to forgive you, too.

Love,
Terry

funlearningmother

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Re: lost and drowning
« Reply #10 on: June 04, 2014, 04:39:37 PM »
Thank you Terry. I appreciate everyone's thoughts. I always get something out of them. That was for sure the idea behind writing to my kids. Healing myself is a priority. If I don't, all I see for my future is a lot of denial and more pain. Yuck! Denial always makes my stomach turn and I hate feeling like I am going to be sick. :)
I wasn't sure when I first came on here how comfortable I would feel and I thank you all for your comments and ears. I do like to feel safe and so far I do. You have all been encouraging and caring and willing to listen to my rambles which can be quite long as I do like to talk.
Thank you Lisa for this. I like the way renowned psychiatrist Dr. Gerald Jampolsky said this.
“Forgiveness is letting go of all hopes for a better past.”
Way better then hearing people tell me that to move on I need to let go of my past and forgive people. I always felt like letting go, moving on, or forgiving meant that I was saying that the way I was treated or the way I treated others was ok and it's not! As for forgiving myself, that's been the hardest because it's part of who I am and I feel so ashamed sometimes with how I treated people. I have been told that if I didn't move on then nothing would ever change which is true but I always felt like I had this big weight on my shoulders because if I couldn't fix everything from my past and make up for what I did then I was stuck.
I am learning and growing and hopefully someday I will be at peace with myself and others.
<3

MyLou

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Re: lost and drowning
« Reply #11 on: June 06, 2014, 03:58:27 PM »
((((( Mother ))))))


Take everything you are going through at your own pace.....


We are here for you !!

Always

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

funlearningmother

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Re: lost and drowning
« Reply #12 on: June 09, 2014, 08:02:57 PM »
I am trying to write out the events of the car accident and I do about 2 paragraphs and can't go anymore and at this moment I feel absolutely frozen. There is just so much that could have gone differently and I don't know why it hurts so much. I just want to yell at all his friends and family for treating me the way they did. They had no idea how I felt and never bothered to ask or talk to me about stuff. I found out after I left that his aunt told my mom that she thought I was looking for all of his old friends because he had a lot that were into drugs and she thought that I wanted drugs. I was just trying to connect with all the people he told me about and confirm old stories. The way I put it now is that I was trying to figure out who real Riki was. He couldn't live with himself so he made up a lot of stories. A lot of the stories about his friends were sometimes warped and sometimes not. After awhile I gave up because it really didn't make a difference. He was who he was and I still loved him and still do. Living without him is sometimes easier then living with him was and sometimes it's worse, it's different and painful

Terry

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Re: lost and drowning
« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2014, 07:23:38 AM »

Take your time and write as little or as much as you are able to. It helps to post your feelings and we're here for you.

Baby steps.

Hugs :love9:

funlearningmother

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Re: lost and drowning
« Reply #14 on: June 16, 2014, 06:49:10 PM »
So I had a field trip with my son and daughters grade 5/6 classes. We went to what they call Weasel Head flats. It was some concrete walking trails and some dirt. There was a pond and a small river that we passed along the way. The teacher in charge had us stop and for a couple of mins by the river we were to just listen and look. I have always loved to do that I love nature. I just ended up crying quietly. When I was with Riki the happiest places were with him in the woods and especially on the lake. His father owns a boat. I don't know how I will ever visit a lake or river without feeling this horrendous grief. I want to be in those places and when I am it just hurts.