I m 55 was married for 34 years and now my life is over, I didn't/don't want to be alone but at my age and grief what am I too do. I guess it's over.
Frank, first of all, I'm very sorry we have to meet this way. You're in the right place, though. The people here are wonderful.
I haven't lost a spouse. I lost a sister, a brother, and my dad. My only experience in that area is from my mom when we lost my dad. I wanted to comment, though. Her situation was very similar to yours except my dad wasn't an illness. He died suddenly in an accident the day before their 34th anniversary. She was 51 at the time. He was 57 and completely healthy. Then he was gone.
For about three years, she sounded just like you. She told me multiple times that she wished she had jumped in the grave with my dad and let them cover her up, too. She didn't want to start over and had no intention to.
Then she went on a date with a preacher at the prodding of some friends. It was a disaster. She didn't like him at all. However, on that date she met another guy named Butch. He was a long time divorcee with no intention of ever getting married again.
They've been married ten years, and they're very happy together. She was just about your age when they started dating. He's not my dad and he never will be. My mom was with him since she was sixteen and they made four kids together. That was one life. She's built a whole new one with Butch...and it made her happy again. She doesn't cry every day like she did when we lost my dad. I'm happy for her.
I'm not saying you will or even should start a new relationship. It happens, though. Sometimes it happens when we least expect it. You might not see it now, but our life doesn't end because somebody else's did. We need to keep living.
How do you move on? One day at a time. One minute at a time. Cry when you need to. Grieve in your own way on your own schedule. Your age? You aren't old at all. You've still got a lot of life ahead. You're still very young. Your wife would not want you to stop living this young. It will get better. I don't know when, but I promise it will.
You've still got living to do.
I hope that helps.