So I'm wondering

[barb0617]

Where do the bereaved parents go for 24 hour anytime support? I so suffered for so long, and this place is where I learned that I might be able to survive the loss of my beloved son. And then, 8 years later - still more support when my surviving son died by suicide. Next month - the 15th anniversary of my Jimmy's fatal car accident. First I simply survived. I kept breathing. Later I learned to do more than survive - I learned to live in a way that honored my son.  And later, my sons. So who is here? Who visits quietly, looking for strength, survival?

[Sally1950]

I come to this forum for encouragement. too many people when they hear my 35 yo daughter died of cancer say "well, at least she had a good life for 35 years". people are so cruel in their ignorance. my mother-in-law is at my home dying from lung cancer. my coworkers told me to be sad is to be disobediant to God, since her dying is God's Will and Wisdom. they don't know how that hurts. to tell me not to be sad that someone I love is suffering. so I read these posts and see that there are people who understand what I'm experiencing.

[Terry]

Where do the bereaved parents go for 24 hour anytime support? I so suffered for so long, and this place is where I learned that I might be able to survive the loss of my beloved son. And then, 8 years later - still more support when my surviving son died by suicide. Next month - the 15th anniversary of my Jimmy's fatal car accident. First I simply survived. I kept breathing. Later I learned to do more than survive - I learned to live in a way that honored my son.  And later, my sons. So who is here? Who visits quietly, looking for strength, survival?

Hi Barb,

Like you, I posted every day when I first came to the board and sometimes more than that. At times I would receive responses, other times not. But I knew my feelings were understood and it always seemed to help me.
And, although we have quite a few 'new' Moms here at the board, they don't post very often and that's really the only way to receive support.
I tried keeping the chat room active as long as I could but others didn't take advantage of it so there seems to be no reason to keep it open.

I remember what it was like when first losing my children and I also remember how grateful I was for the Internet when losing my only surviving son as when my other two children died there was no Internet. It became and will always be my safe haven. These boards (not only child loss but ALL on Webhealing) saved my sanity.

I've been real busy the past couple of weeks but I usually respond to every post as I understand the importance of support. Maybe those who are just reading will respond to your post and your question. I've often asked the same questions, Barb.

Always glad to see a post from you. I enjoy reading them all. Thank You!

(((((((( Thinking of your precious boys, Jimmy and Tom.))))))))

Love,
Terry

[Terry]

I come to this forum for encouragement. too many people when they hear my 35 yo daughter died of cancer say "well, at least she had a good life for 35 years". people are so cruel in their ignorance. my mother-in-law is at my home dying from lung cancer. my coworkers told me to be sad is to be disobediant to God, since her dying is God's Will and Wisdom. they don't know how that hurts. to tell me not to be sad that someone I love is suffering. so I read these posts and see that there are people who understand what I'm experiencing.

((((((Sally))))))

Holding you close as you care for your MIL. I understand how difficult it is to watch someone die. As for your co-workers, I have no patience for ignorant, uncaring people who claim to believe in God when in all reality they have no idea who God is. These are soulless people. A kind, loving person would hug you and tell you that they love you....that is all you need to hear.

I would love to hear more about your daughter; the person she was and the joy she brought into your life.

Always here for you and know that you are loved and cared for here.

Love,
Terry

[barb0617]

Sally, I look at your username and think maybe 1950 means the same to you as it does to me. One thing I eventually came to accept is that those people who say awful things to those of us whose loss they can never - lucky for them - understand - well, they don't have any idea how awful their words are.  I think they think they are helping us in our sorrow.  I have learned to forgive them for their ignorance.  The reality is that unless you've walked the walk, you haven't a clue what it is to lose a child. Cut off a limb and hemorrhage for the rest of your life - that's what it is to lose a piece of yourself. With time, you learn you can live suffering and joy side by side.  The best comfort comes from those who have walked the walk. Know that I care.

[barb0617]

It's funny, Terry - I don't think I ever went to the chat room. I just loved that when I was sleepless in the wee hours of the morning, I always had a place I could visit for strength and support. To this day I appreciate your support. I like that no matter how much time has passed, webhealing is here when I need it. I never stop missing my boys. I never stop wishing that they could be here for the good times.

[Terry]

I feel the same as you, Barb. It always felt so good and safe to know no matter what time I got up, I could jump online and either write out how I was feeling or just read. It has always meant so much to me as I know it does to so many others here, too.

I never stop missing, either. Too devastating to seem real, even now after all these years.

(((((((Barb)))))))

[barb0617]

Yes, safe - always safe - to be here.  A place where everyone understands, where no one judges, where support and strength prevail.

[SarahW]

I feel the same as you, Barb. It always felt so good and safe to know no matter what time I got up, I could jump online and either write out how I was feeling or just read. It has always meant so much to me as I know it does to so many others here, too.

I never stop missing, either. Too devastating to seem real, even now after all these years.

(((((((Barb)))))))

Same here.

Went to the cemetery today.

Good God, I miss that boy.

[barb0617]

Sarah, I never stop missing my boys. I've learned to live well despite the empty hole where they used to be - but I never stop longing for them. I think sometimes about who they might have been and how much more fun everything we do would be if we still had them and the wives they might have had and the children they would have had. Most of me is good, but there is a piece that is damaged and will never be normal. It shows itself in unexpected and unpredictable ways.  Next Tuesday will mark the 15th anniversary of that knock on the door at 3:30 in the morning. Amazing how we can survive. I know that's what my sons want for me, that they love me and want me to be OK in this life here, and so I do my best. Know that I care - Barb

[SarahW]

Thanks, Barb.

It is comforting like nothing else, knowing that there are others who understand what it is like.

[barb0617]

For sure, Sarah.  And here I have found so many who understand. I remember at the end of that first year that some said, it's been a year, time to move on.  I thought - here's what it's like to lose a child: cut off a limb and hemorrhage for the rest of your life, that's what it's like.  Three years and four months after Jim died, that's when I decided I cared whether I lived or died.  As I  explained - it's not that I was suicidal.  I just didn't care. I took bad care of myself.  Now? I'm glad I survived, and I'm not in any hurry to join my boys.  My two girls survive, and one of them has two little kids. They add so much to the joy of survival.  I didn't think i could endure 15 days without my son.  And now, after much hard work, I have survived 15 years - and I'm glad I have survived.  Though for a long time, I really didn't want to. I guess, really, that's what I hope to impart to those new on this journey. Yes, it's awful, unlike any other loss.  But we survivors can once again create meaning in life, and "joy cometh in the morning."

[Sally1950]

I too, don't want to care for myself. I am disappointed every morning that I woke up. I wouldn't hurt myself purposely, but the stress of my life and multiple griefs make me want to go to sleep and never wake up to the pain again. it seems that as soon as I am recovering somewhat from a loss, I get another one. I don't have many in my family left, I hope I go before them.

[barb0617]

I so understand. Sometimes it's a matter of just pushing  through the worst of the bad moments. Trusting that maybe there's something around the corner.  Sometimes you have to remind yourself to breathe. Someone told me, try to focus on what and who remain instead of what we've lost. I've found that I suffer less when I keep that in mind. Know that I care - Barb

[SarahW]

For sure, Sarah.  And here I have found so many who understand. I remember at the end of that first year that some said, it's been a year, time to move on.  I thought - here's what it's like to lose a child: cut off a limb and hemorrhage for the rest of your life, that's what it's like.  Three years and four months after Jim died, that's when I decided I cared whether I lived or died.  As I  explained - it's not that I was suicidal.  I just didn't care. I took bad care of myself.  Now? I'm glad I survived, and I'm not in any hurry to join my boys.  My two girls survive, and one of them has two little kids. They add so much to the joy of survival.  I didn't think i could endure 15 days without my son.  And now, after much hard work, I have survived 15 years - and I'm glad I have survived.  Though for a long time, I really didn't want to. I guess, really, that's what I hope to impart to those new on this journey. Yes, it's awful, unlike any other loss.  But we survivors can once again create meaning in life, and "joy cometh in the morning."

I had so little family left when I lost my son; he was my only child, and he died before he had any children.  I honestly thought the day would never come when I wanted to live more than I wanted to die.  Right now, I have some days that I want to die more, and some days that I want to live more.

I started doing foster care, to get to the place you talk about . . . creating new meaning in life, and also giving meaning to the loss, letting good come out of the bad.  And it's worked.  It's because of my foster daughters that I've made the progress I have.  And I have a good chance of adopting them soon.

But wow.  It is so hard and so many days still hurt so badly.  It will be 5 yrs in July, and I think for many others in my son's life, it may feel like 5 yrs.  But it is forever yesterday to me.

And still, eventually, as you say, joy cometh in the morning.  Some mornings, anyhow.