Author Topic: UNHELPFUL ADVICE  (Read 7038 times)

Sally1950

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UNHELPFUL ADVICE
« on: January 30, 2014, 02:02:59 PM »
I work with a bunch of Southern Baptist ladies who give me unwelcome advice and I can't make them understand how hurtful it is. here is the situation: I lost my daughter 7 years ago, my mother 4 years ago and am anticipating losing my beloved mother in law soon. the 'ladies' say 'it is God's wisdom and will, it is wrong to go against God, so you should not be upset or sad'. I told them that my God is a God of  love and doesn't make other people suffer and die to teach me a lesson, but they believe that God is teaching me to not rely on people, and only rely on God. I can't avoid them. I can't change jobs. they are making everything worse! I'm not over my daughter's death, and every day is a struggle caring for "Mom".

helene

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Re: UNHELPFUL ADVICE
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2014, 02:25:50 PM »
Hi Sally,

I am so sorry you are going through this and that those Baptist ladies that you work with said what they did. They believe in God a certain way that to me is very black and white and not the image of the Divine God that, as you say, is full of love and compassion for us in our suffering and grief. Those ladies no doubt mean well, but they end up doing harm to you (and no doubt to others who are grieving too) instead. I doubt that, even if you told them how upset you are, they would ever understand. I think they are too set in their ways and ridged beliefs. It is unfortunate that you are stuck working with them. You could say next time, if they raise the topic again, that you wish not to talk about it right now and would appreciate it if they respect your wishes. In the mean time, do you have some close family or friends with whom you could really talk with and feel comfortable with sharing your true feelings with? True friends and family can really help when you are confronted with unhelpful/harmful people in your life when you are in the midst of so much grief. You have every right to feel your grief and have good, caring support in your life, especially after so much loss in your life and you being under the pressure of taking care of your ailing mother-in-law.

With caring,

Helene.

PS I lost my older sister Lesley in 2010 and have lost other dear people in my life since then. I often post on the sibling loss board.


Helene & Lesley

Sally1950

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Re: UNHELPFUL ADVICE
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2014, 10:23:08 AM »
unfortunately I have no one really to talk to except my husband and other daughter, and they are both affected by the same things that are bothering me. I don't want to burden them further. I tried finding a counselor, but none in my city have evening or weekend hours and I need to conserve my vacation and sick day hours for caring for my family.  I have moved so often in my life that I have no close friends either, and the new acquaintances I have made recently (and confided in) seemed to delight in repeating my words to others and caused me uncomfortable and awkward instances when those other people questioned me about my words. next week I will be traveling north to care for my daughter (and her child) after she has surgery. I have such fear she will die, even though I tell myself that it is a common procedure, done many times successfully.   I have nightmares about being alone and homeless.

Terry

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Re: UNHELPFUL ADVICE
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2014, 11:31:38 AM »
unfortunately I have no one really to talk to except my husband and other daughter, and they are both affected by the same things that are bothering me. I don't want to burden them further.

Sally, I'm sure you have a good and loving family and friends but sometimes those closest to us are unable to help us.

I tried finding a counselor, but none in my city have evening or weekend hours and I need to conserve my vacation and sick day hours for caring for my family.

I was also a caregiver for both my Father and Husband and they both died 2 years ago, three months apart. I understand the sacrifice that's made and the strength it takes, both emotionally and physically to give of ourselves for so long. And, if we don't take care of our needs first then those who depend on us will not receive the proper care. You may want to reconsider taking one of those sick or vacation days to get some help otherwise it will be a struggle to continue caring for your family and then no one will benefit.

I have moved so often in my life that I have no close friends either, and the new acquaintances I have made recently (and confided in) seemed to delight in repeating my words to others and caused me uncomfortable and awkward instances when those other people questioned me about my words.

It's not always easy and certainly never pleasant but there comes a time when we have to set boundaries with others regarding their behavior towards us. When others spew hurtful words, cliches, etc. it is a direct reflection of who 'they' are, not us. It's a compilation of their beliefs and life's experiences but they are not ours and we don't have to accept them. I live by the, 'If it doesn't apply, let it fly" rule. It's simple but has always worked for me. But, there's one thing for sure....no one has to subject themselves to another's verbal abuse. I evict people like that from my life.

next week I will be traveling north to care for my daughter (and her child) after she has surgery. I have such fear she will die, even though I tell myself that it is a common procedure, done many times successfully.   I have nightmares about being alone and homeless.

Take care as you travel to care for your daughter and her child. Your fears are normal and could very well be exaggerated due to the amount of stress you're under right now. Please keep us updated on her surgery. I hope she has a speedy and a full recovery.

I know you're probably comfortable with your job but you don't need to be surrounded by constant negativity. If it was me, I'd find another job. Easy? Maybe not. Possible? You bet.

Holding you close and sending positive thoughts and lots of love and hugs your way. :love9:

Love,
Terry



Sally1950

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Re: UNHELPFUL ADVICE
« Reply #4 on: February 03, 2014, 12:20:15 PM »
the reason I can't look for another job is that I'm 63 and it was very difficult finding a job when I was 55. age discrimination is against the law, but anyone my age will tell you it exists. the rejections are: you are overqualified, we don't think you would be comfortable here, and similar stuff. we moved to this city to be near my daughter and then she died. I have no reason to stay here, other than I won't be able to find another job again.
I am stressed. I feel like I can't help my loved ones, they don't get better no matter what I do or pray, they just die. I've lost so many.

Terry

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Re: UNHELPFUL ADVICE
« Reply #5 on: February 03, 2014, 10:35:02 PM »

Sally..I, along with many other volunteers here in my town help to place people, (from 18 to 80) who desperately need a job in a position closely suited for them. Just last week we placed two of our seniors, one 73 and the other 76 at Winn Dixie, bagging groceries. It was not the jobs they desired but they both have jobs and they are happy.
In fact just today I ran into one of the ladies and she is making friends. She is very personable and was invited to Bingo this Saturday. She hasn't been out of the house in months. Not to socialize, anyway. Her husband recently died. So, any job could become a gateway to a much better one as you connect with different types of people.

Besides myself there are many on these boards who have been caregivers for their loved ones. Their loved ones didn't get better, either but they had someone who loved them enough to care for them, to make sure they were comfortable and out of pain and most importantly they knew they were not alone when they died. You're doing the best you can do, Sally. You're there for those who need you. But, please remember to also care for yourself. It's not easy but try to take one day and do something you like to do. Sometimes we can't take a whole day so maybe a couple of hours. Any time that is set aside just for your needs alone, will benefit you greatly.

As I shared with you in an earlier post, I understand losing everyone. I know how devastating it is. Just know that we are here for you.

Love,
Terry



Sally1950

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Re: UNHELPFUL ADVICE
« Reply #6 on: February 27, 2014, 02:19:54 PM »
my daughter's surgery did not go as expected. she bled over a liter and it took a long time to cauterize all the vessels. it was supposed to be a 2 hour surgery and 1 hour recovery room but it turned out to be a 4 hour surgery and 4 hours in the recovery room. when she finally got upstairs to her room, it was pretty late. the plan was for me to go back to her house and help her husband with the baby, but I couldn't leave her! I kept thinking of how I took Heather to the hospital, she had all the same wires and tubes and machines. I said "bye, I'll see you tomorrow" but the next day she was in a coma and the day after she died. the idea of leaving caused such anxiety, but the idea of staying with her was comforting. so I stayed. she is recovering well now and I'm back home and back to work.

Terry

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Re: UNHELPFUL ADVICE
« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2014, 05:29:42 AM »

So glad your daughter is recovering well. I overlooked this post, so sorry. But was glad to read it this morning.

Thanks for keeping us updated! :love9:

Love & Hugs,
Terry