Author Topic: Separation & Divorce  (Read 4061 times)

helene

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Separation & Divorce
« on: January 16, 2014, 09:03:34 AM »
Hello Everyone. Sorry I haven't been here in awhile. Things have been nuts since last August when my marriage blew up and I found out that my husband was addicted to the internet and had traveled to China twice to meet a young woman (who could be his daughter and almost his granddaughter) he met on the internet. I haven't lived in my matrimonial home since the beginning of November because my ex became increasingly vitriolic and volatile towards me both verbally and physically culminating in an assault by him against me in mid November on a public street down town. I lived at my neighbor's place (given her $ as I'm not a free-loader) for November and most of December but things got tense with her as she become increasingly autocratic demanding 'progress reports' from me every day when I came back to her place from work to the point of me being filled with agitation. Then, I moved out of her place and house sat for a friend over the Christmas and New Year, storing six boxes of clothes, plus my 1792 Italian violin and private papers in the archives vault  - with a bank combination vault door - at work in the basement!). After the holidays I had no-where to go so I ended up at this woman's shelter downtown and was stuffed into a room with two other women, one of them a drug user and prostitute who tried to steal my purse forcing me to sleep with my purse under the blankets with me. I survived there a week becoming increasingly more and more distressed (this on top of a full time job) until another girlfriend took pity on me and I'm staying in her bachelorette apartment for January and hopefully for February and by then things will hopefully have moved on enough with the legalities of separation and divorce that I'll know better where I stand.

In the meantime I was scared for quite some time to even retain a lawyer because my ex threatened me not to. But I did retain one in late December and we had our first meeting on January 3 of this year. Her name is Jeanette and she's one tough and strong woman. (Wish I could be more like her!) She told me to do four things that freaked me out and I thought I could never find the courage to do them: a a) get 3 realtors to valuate our two properties (but how would I get my violent ex out of the house to do that?!), b) go to the police and file a report on what my ex did to me downtown (he chased me up the street, yelled "I'll kill  you!", backed me up in to someone's yard, grabbed me, shook  me, shoved me, threatened me some more etc). So file a report with the police and have the police officer visit my ex at the house and warn him not to see me in person unless accompanied by lawyers,  (and how could I ever do that?! Wouldn't that make him even more violent?!), c)  open two new bank  accounts of my own at a separate bank  and put most of our available home credit line into that account after clearing more of it out of our joint account (but how could I do that?! That will make my ex go really ballistic and make him potentially violent against me again! Even though he's already taken nearly $6,000 out of the credit line for this two trips to China), and d)  get my automatic pay check deposit diverted from the joint account with my ex to my own account at my own separate bank. (But again that will cause my ex to blow etc!)   I was really afraid to do all those things, but now I've  don't them all 'm tired of being afraid all the time and how crippling that is. So at this point all those things have been done and yesterday my lawyer sent a letter by courier to my ex at our house advising him that I've retained her and that he's got until January 29 to get himself a lawyer and fill out the necessary financial forms or do it on his own. She's also talking about doing a 'forensic audit' on him because I know he's taking at least $1,000 of our rental income for himself because I"ve done the math. I gave my ex two financial statements that I made up for Nov and Dec 2013 showing the shortfall of the $1,000 each month and he took the statement saying he'd get back to me and he never did. So it's via lawyers from here on in.

Needless to say I'm stressed. Have gone from a size 14 (that I was last spring) down to a size 8 and I'm 5'8" tall so I'm looking rather bean-pole-ish these days. I went through a lot of grief and feelings of loss during the summer months, the fall and through the Christmas holidays. But I've switched into 'kick-butt-mode at this point. I'm starting this course called 'Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends' by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti that goes for 11 weeks every Thurs night from 6:30 to 9:00. This, on top of all the lawyer stuff, full-time work, moving around all over the place, and at least 5 AA meetings a week and keeping in close contact with my sponsor. I am blessed to have many new friends that I met in AA, some of them really close at this point. I never had women friends I could get together with and really talk with and share before AA.

Thanks for reading this long tome. I thought I better update folks here and get back on board keeping in touch with you all.

Helene.


Helene & Lesley

Doug1222

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Re: Separation & Divorce
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2014, 09:41:17 AM »
Good for you, Helene! Going into kick butt mode at this point is about the best news I can imagine. I hate divorce in general, but there are times it's needed. You're in one of those times. If you're going to do it, do it right. Fight for what's yours and don't be afraid.

I'm really proud of you. Speak to him through lawyers from this point on. He's the one who made the choice. Protect yourself and you'll get through this.

You'll be a stronger person for the experience.

On a side note, I've never had a joint account. My wife and I decided early on that one just didn't make a bit of sense. My credit was MUCH better than hers when we met and she got really screwed over in her first marriage due to joint accounts. It's been one of the best moves we ever made keeping our finances completely separate. We've been married for sixteen years and have never had a disagreement about money ever. My credit is the reason we have everything we have. It's great. I'm not a fan of joint accounts. I'll never have one with anyone ever.

Keep us updated. I'm very happy that life's moving forward for you. Now stay in kick butt mode until you're though this.

Then you can exhale.

((((((((((Helene))))))))))

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: Separation & Divorce
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2014, 10:41:48 AM »

Best of luck to you, Helene as you travel yet another journey. You'll do great! One day at a time.

((((((((Helene)))))))

Always here for you with love and understanding, :love9:
Terry

helene

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Re: Separation & Divorce
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2014, 02:06:50 PM »
Hi Doug and Terry and Everyone,

Thank you for your encouragement and support. I didn't think I was grieving the end of this marriage but I think the poem I wrote today says that I am grieving. Sometimes it's hard to tell as I think I'm still in shock. Things haven't moved along much regarding the legal aspect of things as he's only just retained a lawyer and we're waiting for a response from his lawyer to my lawyer. (This is already starting to remind me of Dicken's Jarndyce & Jarndyce from Bleak House, or Kramer vs Kramer!) Anyhow, I am further along emotionally through a LOT of help from my friends, both here and where I live and through this 'divorce course' I'm taking based on the book: Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti. Tonight is my third night and I am finding this course very helpful. Between classes we are encouraged to make friends with others in the class (but not to form love relationships - which, the latter, is the farthest thing from my mind right now anyway!!!) Friends are very, very important in the grieving process, whether that grief be for a deceased loved one or other kinds of grief like divorce. I still have no idea where I'll even be living after February or where this divorce will take me. Thank you for being here for me.

Helene.


Helene & Lesley