Weekly Question-Getting "OVER" it!

[John-Danielle Marie's Daddy]

Dear Friends,
I will post a thought-provoking question(s) related to some aspect of our beloved child’s life/death. This may help several bereaved parents express feelings and emotions that we may not be able to express alone.

REMEMBER: There is no RIGHT or WRONG answers…only what each of us feels during these terrible times in our lives.

Some people think, because we don't walk around all day crying, that we have "gotten over" our son/daughter' s death. I thought today we could talk about some of those times when people say the most absurd things to us.

Questions:
1)   Your name and your beloved son/daughter' s name
2)   Have you ever had someone say to you, "It's time to get over it"?
3)   What was your response to such an insensitive person?
4)   Do you think you will ever get to a point of healing from the loss of your son/daughter?
5)   What do you think you will need to get to such a point of healing?
6)   How have you survived losing your beloved son/daughter so far?
7)   Any thoughts or comments you would like to share with your “new” family.

My answers/comments:

1) Your name and your beloved son/daughter' s name
John / my daughter is Danielle Marie

2) Have you ever had someone say to you, "It's time to get over it"?
Not yet…

3) What was your response to such an insensitive person?
If this is ever said to me…I really don’t know how I would react.
Probably with resentment and anger.

4) Do you think you will ever get to a point of healing from the loss of your son/daughter?
I haven’t gotten over the SHOCK of Danielle’s death yet. I am still FAR; FAR from any point of healing.

5) What do you think you will need to get to such a point of healing?
TIME, TIME and MORE TIME. Going through all those terrible “phases” of grief and

6) How have you survived losing your beloved son/daughter so far?
I really don’t.  Lots of tears, reading and of course…ALL of you here!
And by the holy grace of GOD I suppose.

7) Any thoughts or comments you would like to share with your “new” family.
All I want to say is THANK YOU ALL for being here. I know that anyone of us would give anything NOT to be here. We all have suffered the ULTIMATE TRADEGY. The death of our beloved child.
EACH and EVERYONE of you mean SO MUCH to me.

[Carole-Carlos Mom]

Good Morning John, First off let me tell that Danielle Marie is Beautiful!

My name is Carole. My sons name is Carlos. My best friend, my sidekick, & my buddy.
I have never had anyone tell me to "get over it". I have had them tell me it's time to let go. I will never let go of Carlos, until I am with him again. I need to embrace him and his life more than ever.
Usually I just look at them kind of weird and do not talk about my Carlos if I am around them, ever again.

I certainly hope so. Carlos death will never be ok with me, but I have to hang on to HOPE for myself, Carlos and the rest of my children and grandchildren.

Lots of Love. Tons of understanding from my family and close friends.

Reading, crying, I still can not listen to the music Carlos liked. Can not go into the stores that he used to shop at for his clothes. Too heart breaking all over again.

John, I don't post much here, but wow do I ever read every single message. I care about all of you here on this board and Hope we all find a little peace and comfort from each other.

[Debh]

I question this alot and not sure I even know what this would mean "point of healing"  Do you think you will ever get to a point of healing from the loss of your son/daughter?

Thinking today a point of healing is each moment in our lives and will be forever. When I reached the 9th year I thought things were going very well and the pain and grief was at the point of healing it would be at and this was how it would be forever. I was wrong the 10th year knocked me backwards quite a bit which proved to me it will never be at one point where I can say this is the best it will be and I have healed. I miss and love my son/sons and nephew more and more each day and I never will know when something will happen that will send in the downhill slide, I just know it will happen and continue to learn how to go with it and pull myself back up and thats with the help from mainly I find here at the board.

I think there is always a step in our healing that can become easier, or peace can come to many things, but is it everlasting when it happens I haven't found it always to be true and say yes to this, moment by moment anything can change I accept this today and with the love I have for my boys I will continue to heal forever. Hmmm wonder if this means I "got over it" meaning I got over fighting with the fact I should healed and accept life will never be the same and somedays it just hurts like heck but love hurts and I am so grateful for the love I hold in my heart with these boys of mine.

Don't know for sure what the point of healed means where that would be, but for the moment I know today I am as healed as I can be for the moment if that makes any sense.

Love
Deb

[Cheryl - Brett's Mom]

) Your name and your beloved son/daughter' s name
Cheryl/ Brett

2) Have you ever had someone say to you, "It's time to get over it"?
I've had people say that I need to 'let go' of Brett or I need to 'move on' ... can't do that!!!

3) What was your response to such an insensitive person?
I usually just say that I can't 'let go' and I have been told that I need to for the sake of my other kids.  I don't understand this since I still treasure every moment with them and a still function as their mother..I just cry more often and I think they understand..they cry about Brett sometimes too.

4) Do you think you will ever get to a point of healing from the loss of your son/daughter?
I think that at some point I will  not cry everyday as I do now. I think I will ALWAYS miss him and I will ALWAYS cry (just not as often)

5) What do you think you will need to get to such a point of healing?
TIME, and the support of others who understand.  My husband & I went to a grief councilor once because we both thought we were grieving too hard and after we talked she looked at us and said 'you are completely NORMAL..you are grieving a loss of a beloved son'....we were shocked to hear that we were okay. Some people made us feel that we needed 'help' so we sought out the grief councilor.

6) How have you survived losing your beloved son/daughter so far?
Don't have much choice. If it would have been my choice HE would be here and it would be ME in that grave, but since I am here ....making every day that I live more miserable than it is would not bring my son back and it would not be fair to my other kids (or husband) and Brett would be very unhappy with me if I would give up. I want to make life enjoyable again because that was the way Brett lived...some days I can do that, some days I can't....but I am still trying.  Support from other parents helps !!!

[Jeanneb]

1)   Your name and your beloved son/daughter' s name

I'm Jeanne and my son is Philip

2)   Have you ever had someone say to you, "It's time to get over it"?

Well, I was told I "would get over it" sitting at the cemetary the day my son was to be buried.  You know as the mourners all file by and give their condolensces at the grave site.

3)   What was your response to such an insensitive person?

The ass that told me I'd get over it was actually my own brother.  At the time it happened I was not in the frame of mind to react.

4)   Do you think you will ever get to a point of healing from the loss of your son/daughter?

Point of healing??  Not even sure what that means.  Will my heart mend?  I think not.  Will I be able to move forward?? Well, that is slowly happening, yet my heart will forever be broken.

5)   What do you think you will need to get to such a point of healing?

The only thing that could "heal" me would be for my son to drop down from the heavens and return to this earth and would could just rewind the last 3.5 years and pretend like this didn't happen.  But, I don't think that is going to happen. 

6)   How have you survived losing your beloved son/daughter so far?

Taking each moment, each breath one step at a time.  Moments turn to hours, which turn to days, which turn to weeks and months.

7)   Any thoughts or comments you would like to share with your “new” family.

This journey is filled with ups and downs.  You can walk along and BAM it hits, the pain, the sorrow.  Yet, as we walk this journey we never forget our child, we never stop missing them but we do find better days in that we don't cry as much.  We learn to not be so hard on ourselves and not worry about what the world expects of us.  We let ourselves feel whatever that may be at that moment, we grieve and we will always grieve to some extent.  Most days will be manageable, we will laugh again, smile again, and memories will bring laughter.  The reality is that is all we have memories and pictures in a frame.

[Dena]

Questions:
1)   Your name and your beloved son/daughter' s name

I am Dena. Joshua is my son

2)   Have you ever had someone say to you, "It's time to get over it"?

Not in so many words. Most respect my space and don't even go there!

3)   What was your response to such an insensitive person?

I just said to them "I am amazed that you would even think or say such a thing to me"

4)   Do you think you will ever get to a point of healing from the loss of your son/daughter?

I think I am doing good as far as healing goes.  The pain does "soften" some with time, but sometimes I have a set back, just like everyone else does.

5)   What do you think you will need to get to such a point of healing?

I need to settle my public life - get a less stressful job and try to set some goals before I can get to that point.  It is mainly a lot of side issues in my life that cause a huge amount of stress.

6)   How have you survived losing your beloved son/daughter so far?

I am a survivor.  We are ALL survivors. I like to think that I have done well.  I am trying not to waste time and trying to live.

7)   Any thoughts or comments you would like to share with your “new” family.

Set your boundaries with people.  Let them know what is acceptable and what is unacceptable.  Every single parent here is a survivor, even though we may not want to be. 

Hugs,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[laurasmom]

1)   Your name and your beloved son/daughter' s name
Lois, my daughter is Laura
2)   Have you ever had someone say to you, "It's time to get over it"?
Yes, but mostly I am told I have "move on" or "move past this"
3)   What was your response to such an insensitive person?
I said I will NEVER "get over it"
I have seen 2 counselors (one for 10 months, then later a different one for 6 months) and BOTH of them told me to never even think I will "get over it", that my life has been abruptly changed, it will never be the same, and I will learn to live again, but I will never "get over it"
4)   Do you think you will ever get to a point of healing from the loss of your son/daughter?
I think we parents have a wound that will never completely heal
5)   What do you think you will need to get to such a point of healing?
I have no idea, I'm on  my 4th year, and some days I think I am worse than ever, I still miss her terribly, and it still is very painful for me, and so senseless.
6)   How have you survived losing your beloved son/daughter so far?
I'm not sure I am surviving..in the beginning I had to take care of my son, who was moderately injured in the collision, and went through a lot of emotional turmoil, post traumatic stress...then there was the trial, which the man who hit them managed to get postponed 6 times, stretching the time out to nearly 2 years before he was finally convicted.  Now I feel as though I only function, putting on my mask and pretending to be "normal"every day, and I manage that with an antidepressant.
7)   Any thoughts or comments you would like to share with your “new” family.
I only just found this site, and I know that we all share pain that no one else can even begin to imagine unless they have lost a child.  Just know that all of you are in my thought every single day...

[Rebecca]

My son's name.
1: Jason Craig
Have you ever had someone say to you, Its time to get over it.
2: Not directly, but I have had people say, it takes time.
What was your response.
3. Someone else said that she has a different view of death and I said, well, that might be but until one loses a child, views are only that, a view.
Do you think you will ever get to the point of healing?
4. Healing, right now I don't know what that means.  Acceptance that there is absolutely nothing I can do to bring him back. I will miss Jason always but I know he is gone from us, as hard as that is to accept.  I think the gut wretching, fall to the ground, pain has been taken over by the extreme always sadness of losing my son.
What do you think you will need to get to that point.5.
I don't know.
How have you survived
6. Survived by wearing a mask and trying my hardest for my daughter who lives far away.
Any thoughts or comments?
7. When I was first came to this site, I thought I will never be where I am today in terms of not crying all the time, in terms of not screaming all the time, in terms of questioning all the time.  I think as so many people who unfortunately are here much longer than I, the feelings get softer, sometimes.  I don't think that anyone can tell anyone when it will happen or if it will happen.  I think I am a little different because, as I have said before,I was the child of a mother who lost a child and I know how I felt, helpless!  I never felt that I was needed, and always felt in the shadow. Mind you, I was an adult, 33 years of age when my brother died.  He was sick for 10 years and I prepared for ten years because we were always in the shadow of my brother who was so sick.

I have to tell you John, that I have never answered your questions because I couldn't remember all of them.  Today I realized how to print just the questions, which is the way I was able to answer them.

[CRCmom]

I guess I'm not up to answering the question in full.  We don't ever "get over it".  We go through it and hopefully come out on the other side wiser and a little more at peace.  Not a day will go by between today and the day I see my son again that I won't miss him so that my heart hurts. 

Love to all

[Chy Scott's Mom]

Questions:
1)   Your name and your beloved son/daughter' s name
Chy (Shy)  and Scott Edward Tracey

2)   Have you ever had someone say to you, "It's time to get over it"?
No one has said "it's time to..."  but they've insinuated that in time it will happen or "it's time to move on" or I "should move on"

3)   What was your response to such an insensitive person?
Such a deep rage inside that if I don't take a breath I will remove them from my sight by shooting fire bolts of lightning from my eyes.  Sometimes I'll chuckle in the most sacrcastic way and say something like "yeah, OK" or "really? doesn't getting over it imply somehow acceptance and acceptance can imply OKness and I know without a doubt that I will never be OK with Scott being dead".  Sometimes, mostly in the case of my mother, is saying to her "am I not putting one foot in front of the other?  Do I not go to work when scheduled and eat and sleep and play with my grandson, if that isn't "moving on" then I know I never will.  I am moving, moving forward inspite of wanting to lay down and die and if that isn't good enough for someone, then leave me the hell alone.

4)   Do you think you will ever get to a point of healing from the loss of your son/daughter?
Healing?  I can't even understand the concept of such an event in regards to my son being dead.  I think question 3 and 4 or so closely tied that they intersect my answers on most points.

5)   What do you think you will need to get to such a point of healing?
Death

6)   How have you survived losing your beloved son/daughter so far?
breathing

7)   Any thoughts or comments you would like to share with your “new” family.
I haven't been here in a couple weeks, been fighting the survival factor up here in Northen Montana as I'm sure the rest of you are throughout the country.  Also, it's harder for me to be here than it was that first year.  It's a double edged sword full of contridictions, I find comfort yet I get immobilized in ways, I am in constat pain and yet exhausted to face it here although facing it constantly anyway