Author Topic: Impending separation and divorce  (Read 5967 times)

helene

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Impending separation and divorce
« on: October 24, 2013, 12:53:27 PM »
Hi Everyone,

I haven't been around much because I am heading into separation and divorce from my husband. There's no doubt he wants to marry this internet girl in China and dump me. I'm seeing a lawyer that I'll probably retain tomorrow. He'll not get his 'quicki' divorce from me! We have properties and finances to sort out. the absolutely WORST part of all of this is having to live in the same house with him. It's absolutely terrible. I don't feel safe in the same house any more with him as his moods are volatile and he's told me to f-off more than once. Yelling etc. I'm going to get legal advice about that as well.

I know this topic is not about losing a loved one, but actually it is. I lost my sister Lesley four years ago now and am still very much grieving her loss. Being in this perpetual state of grief makes it harder for me to deal with the horrible slings and arrows that life continues to throw me (and indeed, no-one is exempt from that of course). For me this is really bad - this break up of a 27 year marriage and having to live with a man I no longer know. I am suffering another kind of death - the death of a marriage. The death of love. The death of my trust for him. The death of my feeling safe with him. The death of having a real home to go to. The death of my life as I knew it. There's so many kinds of death so I hope you don't mind me writing about all of this.

I've missed you all!

Helene.


Helene & Lesley

AC Mom

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Re: Impending separation and divorce
« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2013, 01:42:38 PM »
Helene,

I have been thinking about you.  Death, in all its forms, hurts, and of course you can talk about it here. 

Please take care of yourself in all areas.  Sounds like you might be in a potentially abusive situation.   Get some legal advice on what your options are in the idea/fact that it might not be safe for the two of you to cohabitate while going thru the divorce.

Just be safe, and it wouldn't hurt to have a escape plan if you need it.  People laugh at me because I tend to think outside the box.  In cases like what you are going thru, never let your guard down, it might help you in the long run.

Love
Peggy

helene

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Re: Impending separation and divorce
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2013, 01:55:45 PM »
Yes Peggy: I am starting to feel afraid of him. I never thought that could ever happen but all my instincts are on alert. I'll be speaking with a lawyer tomorrow morning and I'll most likely retain her if the vibes are ok. (Otherwise I'll find another lawyer pronto!) Yes, I sense that he feels things 'closing in on him' re divorce etc and the reality of him having to actually get out there and WORK. (He's going for his real estate thing which will take some courses - most likely online - and will take some time). His moods are unpredictable and volatile. He has not hurt me bodily yet but has threatened me. I know that I'm not supposed to leave the matrimonial home so this is a real quandary for me. I will talk with my lawyer tomorrow. Frankly, at this point, I don't care if I'm totally broke after all of this is over.

But the other side of this are all my AA friends and a few 'normy' friends that I have too. Right now I need places to stay -especially on the weekends. So I'm staying with an AA friend this weekend. They are all so wonderful!! I only hope that I can give back what I have so much received some day - and that includes with you folks here. I am not drinking but smoking like a chimney and finding it hard to eat.

Love,

Helene.


Helene & Lesley

AC Mom

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Re: Impending separation and divorce
« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2013, 04:25:26 PM »
Helene,

I am happy to hear that you have friends that are helping you out and giving you a place to stay that is safe.

I have discovered thru the years, that starting over isn't near as bad as some think it might be, you will be fine, regardless of who gets what.

Love
Peggy

Doug1222

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Re: Impending separation and divorce
« Reply #4 on: October 25, 2013, 02:41:23 PM »
Hi, Helene! I've missed you. I am sorry about your separation and divorce, but I am confident it will work out for the best. I've never been through one, but a lot of people tell me it's the best thing that ever happened to them. They were horribly upset and grief stricken when it happened, but after healing found out just how horrible their life was before the divorce.

After following all you've been through with your husband the last year, I think you will feel the same way.

Good move on the lawyer. Don't make it easy for him. You deserve your part of this marriage. I'm glad you have friends to stay with, too. Having an escape plan is VERY important. Fight for what's yours. In reality, though, money doesn't really matter. It's your life that matters. My wife got NOTHING from her first marriage. He put her in ICU and she ended up losing everything she had except some keepsakes. She started over from scratch after twelve years. Today, we are happy, healthy, and successful. Do fight for what's yours, but no matter what you'll be fine.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you're going to get through it. You still have a lot of living to do. It might as well be as happy as it can be. I'm super happy you're keeping sober through it. You can sort out the smoking later. I also have trouble eating when I'm upset. You might try some whey protein. You can make shakes with it that are pretty good and crammed with protein. That might help with losing too much weight. You will get through this and your life will be better. Let your husband take his Chinese internet girl. He'll come crawling back at some point, but you don't need him anymore. Get on with living.  

I missed you.
 :love4:

(((((((Helene))))))))
« Last Edit: October 25, 2013, 02:44:14 PM by Doug1222 »

helene

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Re: Impending separation and divorce
« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2013, 11:19:42 AM »
Thanks so much Peggy and Doug,

Your replies are very encouraging. My husband is pushing for a quick divorce and using a mediator instead of a lawyer. There will be no quick divorce and I have a lawyer on standby, but I'll phone the mediator and see what he or she says. Everything has to be settled before he gets a divorce. At this point my grieving for this marriage is over. Something shifted in my over the weekend when I stayed away from him at a friend's place. Yes, I think he'll marry that girl in China and she'll dump him as soon as she gets into this country - Canada in this case. They would do anything over there to get to he United States or Canada! I am surprised that my husband, whom I always thought to be very intelligent, cannot see this coming. Or, perhaps he wishes to live in internet fantasy land for the rest of his life. I don't know nor do I care any more at this point.

Life is precious while we still have it. I am hoping for a kind of 'rebirth' after all of this mess is over. But it will take some time to work it all out. While I'm in the midst of it I liken myself to being in battle defense and offense mode. I won't come out of this unscathed. No-one does, but I'm determined to get through this somehow - even if I end up living in a room somewhere at the end of it. Lesley lived in rooms for years and she was a real tough survivor even though she died so suddenly and tragically. I am learning from her!

Helene.


Helene & Lesley

Terry

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Re: Impending separation and divorce
« Reply #6 on: November 06, 2013, 04:55:34 PM »

(((((((((Helene))))))))
) :love9: