Now I just can't go back to work I just don't want to. I am consumed with guilt, sadness and I just don't know where to turn.
Hi, Margaret. I'm sorry you have to be here, but it's the right place.
Two weeks is a very short time. I lost my dad in 2000 very suddenly in an accident. A lot of times, I tell people I don't have much to say, but I might to you.
We never know when we're going to lose someone. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. We have to live our lives. Even though your mom had hospital stays and stuff, you didn't know when you'd lose her and we can't spend every minute of our lives with our loved ones in case we're about to lose them. We have to live. You should not feel guilty. Feel proud. Your mom did.
I only say this to you because I also felt guilty. The last time I saw my dad, we sat around the cabin (a farm my parents owned as a second place. My mom lives there now) We didn't talk much. We just sat around and watched "To Hell and Back". I was going to go back up and help him with a split rail fence he was building the day after he died. He was driving up to our old house and ran out of gas. He walked to get some gas then the woman who gave him a lift got hit in the back of the car by a distracted driver. The next day, I was going up to visit. The day we hung out, we just sat around and watched a movie. I had to leave and get to work. I felt just like you. Why didn't I make better use of that last day we had together?
I had no clue I was about to lose him. He was perfectly healthy and 57. We should have had another twenty or thirty years together. Instead, it was our last day.
I don't feel guilty at all today. That afternoon sitting around watching a movie is one of my most cherished memories. I'm not sorry I left to go to work. My dad was proud of my job (which I'd just started at that time). It brings me peace.
I had a lot of guilt when my brother died, too. He was 22. My dad and me spent a weekend visiting him just before his accident. He was a paratrooper. My only thought for a long time was that I couldn't remember if I told him how proud I was of him. It bothered me terribly and caused a ton of guilt.
You should not feel guilty at all. You do, and you will. You didn't know you were about to lose your mom, though. It sounds like you were a good daughter. No, you were a great daughter. Your mom was proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. If there's one thing I've learned in all these years of grief, it's that we should not feel guilty for things like that. Sometimes we forget to say things. Sometimes we have to live life and go to work and stuff. We don't know when people are going to be gone. That's ok. We do the best we can.
I would NEVER tell someone to "get over it". There's no such thing. I would say go back to work, though. Force yourself. It'll be hard, but just do it. Unless you're independently wealthy, I'm assuming you need money to live. Make yourself go back to work. That doesn't mean you're over it. It means you're surviving. Take as long as it takes to grieve, but don't stop living in the meantime.
That's what I'd say. It's probably the one thing I've learned. We shouldn't feel guilty for not knowing we're about to lose them. It can happen any day. Guilt is for when we've done a bad thing. You didn't do a bad thing. You were a good daughter to your mom. I hope it helps.
((((((((Margaret)))))))))
I'll hug you and you hug yourself.