Author Topic: My mum  (Read 5854 times)

Molly 3325

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My mum
« on: October 09, 2013, 02:16:51 PM »
My mum passed away two weeks ago. She was 88. Over the last few years we had a few hospital runs with her and they became our normal. We always expected her to come back home. She was in hospital for a week before she died and although I went in everyday- sometimes 3 times and was with her all day on the day she died. I feel angry with myself for continuing to go to work when I should have been with her.  I never imagined how I would feel when she was gone. I am gutted. There is a whole in my heart and I miss her so much.  Now I just can't go back to work I just don't want to. I am consumed with guilt, sadness and I just don't know where to turn.
My mother was amazing and was still living by herself and looking after her self. I would call everyday and take her shopping on Saturdays and sometimes on outing or a show at other times.  I am angry I didn't do more as she sat in her house alone most days watching tv.  I was always in a rush to get home and clean house or some other ridiculous thing and never realised until now what I should have made my priority. She always sang my praises to everyone but dear god I wish I had done more.
I'm sure people think I should be over it and get back to work but I just can't.
I love you Mum and I just want you back!

Molly 3325

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Re: My mum
« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2013, 02:18:11 PM »
By the way- my mums name was Molly and I am Margaret- just decided to use her name in my logon

Terry

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Re: My mum
« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2013, 08:01:14 PM »
My mum passed away two weeks ago. She was 88. Over the last few years we had a few hospital runs with her and they became our normal. We always expected her to come back home. She was in hospital for a week before she died and although I went in everyday- sometimes 3 times and was with her all day on the day she died. I feel angry with myself for continuing to go to work when I should have been with her.  I never imagined how I would feel when she was gone. I am gutted. There is a whole in my heart and I miss her so much.  Now I just can't go back to work I just don't want to. I am consumed with guilt, sadness and I just don't know where to turn.
My mother was amazing and was still living by herself and looking after her self. I would call everyday and take her shopping on Saturdays and sometimes on outing or a show at other times.  I am angry I didn't do more as she sat in her house alone most days watching tv.  I was always in a rush to get home and clean house or some other ridiculous thing and never realised until now what I should have made my priority. She always sang my praises to everyone but dear god I wish I had done more.
I'm sure people think I should be over it and get back to work but I just can't.
I love you Mum and I just want you back!

(((((((Margaret)))))))

I am so sorry for the recent death of your precious Mum. My Dad died almost two years ago now though it still feels like a few months ago. We were very close. I miss him so much. Everyday I want to share something with him, hug him, kiss him....that will never change for me.
I came to webhealing when my oldest and surviving son died 10 years ago. I found that it helps a lot to post all of the feelings that were in my heart. It also helps to know that others understand.

Two weeks is such a short amount of time to even come to grips with such a great loss. It's baby steps. The same with feelings and trying to sort them out. One at a time and one day at a time. There's no rush to grief. There can't be as we loved so long, so deep and we just can't turn that off and why would we ever want to? That would be denying all of the love in our hearts along with the beautiful memories.

I'm sorry you're feeling so much guilt. It's such a monster when grieving. Of course you are consumed with sadness. That's understandable. She was your Momma. Try to be gentle with yourself and remember how much you loved her and remember that she loved her little girl, too. I imagine she was very happy to get your phone calls everyday asking about her. She was very independent, it seems and she enjoyed having her own home and owning her time, also. I'm sure she knew how loved she was.

Post any time even if it's just to vent your feelings. This is a safe place to do that. We understand here.

Do you like to be called Margaret or do you have a nick-name that you prefer?

Love & Hugs, :love9:
Terry

Doug1222

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Re: My mum
« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2013, 09:21:29 AM »
Now I just can't go back to work I just don't want to. I am consumed with guilt, sadness and I just don't know where to turn.

Hi, Margaret. I'm sorry you have to be here, but it's the right place.

Two weeks is a very short time. I lost my dad in 2000 very suddenly in an accident. A lot of times, I tell people I don't have much to say, but I might to you.

We never know when we're going to lose someone. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. We have to live our lives. Even though your mom had hospital stays and stuff, you didn't know when you'd lose her and we can't spend every minute of our lives with our loved ones in case we're about to lose them. We have to live. You should not feel guilty. Feel proud. Your mom did.

I only say this to you because I also felt guilty. The last time I saw my dad, we sat around the cabin (a farm my parents owned as a second place. My mom lives there now) We didn't talk much. We just sat around and watched "To Hell and Back". I was going to go back up and help him with a split rail fence he was building the day after he died. He was driving up to our old house and ran out of gas. He walked to get some gas then the woman who gave him a lift got hit in the back of the car by a distracted driver. The next day, I was going up to visit. The day we hung out, we just sat around and watched a movie. I had to leave and get to work. I felt just like you. Why didn't I make better use of that last day we had together?

I had no clue I was about to lose him. He was perfectly healthy and 57. We should have had another twenty or thirty years together. Instead, it was our last day.

I don't feel guilty at all today. That afternoon sitting around watching a movie is one of my most cherished memories. I'm not sorry I left to go to work. My dad was proud of my job (which I'd just started at that time). It brings me peace.

I had a lot of guilt when my brother died, too. He was 22. My dad and me spent a weekend visiting him just before his accident. He was a paratrooper. My only thought for a long time was that I couldn't remember if I told him how proud I was of him. It bothered me terribly and caused a ton of guilt.

You should not feel guilty at all. You do, and you will. You didn't know you were about to lose your mom, though. It sounds like you were a good daughter. No, you were a great daughter. Your mom was proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. If there's one thing I've learned in all these years of grief, it's that we should not feel guilty for things like that. Sometimes we forget to say things. Sometimes we have to live life and go to work and stuff. We don't know when people are going to be gone. That's ok. We do the best we can.

I would NEVER tell someone to "get over it". There's no such thing. I would say go back to work, though. Force yourself. It'll be hard, but just do it. Unless you're independently wealthy, I'm assuming you need money to live. Make yourself go back to work. That doesn't mean you're over it. It means you're surviving. Take as long as it takes to grieve, but don't stop living in the meantime.

That's what I'd say. It's probably the one thing I've learned. We shouldn't feel guilty for not knowing we're about to lose them. It can happen any day. Guilt is for when we've done a bad thing. You didn't do a bad thing. You were a good daughter to your mom. I hope it helps.

((((((((Margaret)))))))))

I'll hug you and you hug yourself.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2013, 12:01:09 PM by Doug1222 »

SistersinCanada

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Re: My mum
« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2013, 10:21:55 PM »
Hi Molly
I too am so sorry about your mom.  I lost my mom 5 years ago in December.  Not a happy Christmas.
She was 91.  She was independent, exasperating and loveable.  She had a history of falls but she always recovered and came home.  However this time she didn't.  She contracted pneumonia and she died.  I met the ambulance at the hospital after she had fallen and stayed with her most of the night.  I saw her the next day after her surgery but did end up going back to work.
When I came to the hospital after work they told me she wasn't going to make it.  I was shocked.  She always got better but then she didn't.  Done feel guilt, you sound like a wonderful daughter.  I too used to take my mom out on weekends but of course during the week I had my own children, house and work.  I'm sure she was lonely especially since my dad had predeceased her but my sisters and I did our best to see her whenever we could and invite her to each of our homes for all the special or not so special occasions as I'm sure you did.  I miss her so much but I know she is in a better place with my dad.  I say that because she would always say "Why am I still here".  I joined this site 2 years when I lost my sister suddenly.  She was my best friend and I really miss her so much.  Everyone on here has been so supportive and kind.  Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  Try not to have any regrets, it sounds like you had a special relationship with your mom.  It will get easier as time passes but the pain will always remain in your heart.  That's what loving her was all about and that is why it is so hard to say goodbye.  I hope you have someone in your life that can support you and remember your mom is probably watching over you and whispering advice, etc. in your ear.  At least I hope so.  Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.
Sisters

Molly 3325

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Re: My mum
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2013, 01:59:35 PM »
Dear friends
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your stories. It is strange as each day passes that I seem to choose sadness as I feel if I was happy somehow it would mean she didn't matter. I was fortunate to be sitting by her side when she took her last breath. She was finally peaceful and as her usually deep breaths became soft and gentle they just stopped.  I was holding her hand and watching her face as the quiet tears streamed down my face and I said I love you.
What a privilege my mother gave to even in her death.
I keep picturing her standing outside her house waiting for me to pick her up as I did on so many occasions. I hope I can learn to come to terms with this.  Did I say I loved her enough? So many questions torment my mind.
We had the Bali bombing anniversary here in Sydney yesterday and I was able to be there as I have every year at the memorial service  to support dear friends who lost children, mothers, wives and it was encouraging for me to see that whilst there will always be some sadness they have and will continue their lives to honour their lost loved ones.
I really am warmed by your responses to me Terry, Doug and Sisters.  Thank you x Margaret

Terry

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Re: My mum
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2013, 08:24:03 PM »

Thanks, Margaret for your nice message! I think it's inevitable that we're sad as saying Good-Bye forever to someone we've loved our entire lives is always difficult. I'm so glad to hear that your Mum was peaceful her last hours and that you were there to comfort her. That's what most of us would want at the end of our lives, our loved ones to be near.

Your Mum knew how much you loved her....I have no doubt. You seem so caring and loving. How supportive of you to be there for friends on the bombing anniversary. And, so true that this is how we honor our loved ones. Thanks for sharing that with us!

Sending you a big hug & lots of love, :love9:

(((((((((Margaret)))))))))

Terry

Molly 3325

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Re: My mum
« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2013, 02:56:41 AM »
Feeling really empty and sad. I know I need to get back to work and clean my house, pay the bills and do all the things that I always do for my five children but I seem frozen.  I seem to be angry at all the things that took me away from my mother. What roller coaster.
I brought some things from my mums house back to my home, she only lived 10 minutes away. I have put them in a cupboard. Photo albums, things she has written, the bag she took to hospital and one of her jumpers.  When I open the cupboard it smells like my mum.  I try to take it in and remember as I am so scared I will forget her.
Every year my mother got her Xmas cards ready by mid year with $20 in every card for her children, their partners, her grandchildren and their partners, her great grandchildren and her 3 remaining brothers and sisters and their partners.  She also has done all the 2014 birthday cards for everyone.  She often said to me if anything happens to me make sure you send them out. I always dismissed the conversation.  I now have to be vigilant and send off about 40 cards next year to arrive in time for the birthdays.  I guess she had time on her hands.  Right at the bottom of the birthday card box was a card for my son's 21st- my youngest son is 18 at the moment. I have to hold that card for the next two and a half years.
She was an amazing thoughtful lady who asked for nothing from anyone.  All she wanted was for her family to be united and happy.
I'm not sure about united.  My brother saw my mum about twice a year and this hurt my mother.  my sister lives 500 miles away and she saw her even less.  She lives on her computer and because  she couldn't communicate with my mother this way she didn't communicate at all.  My mum would talk about them and say she didn't understand what she did wrong with them.  I knew this hurt mum but this was something I couldn't fix.  They both made it to hospital before she died so I am sure this was a good thing for mum to know they were there.
After mum died I felt angry with my brother and sister and on so many levels I still am.  We were never in touch much anyway so it will make no difference to me.
I want to believe my mum cannot be hurt by them anymore and that she now is in a wonderful place with my dad, her mum and so very many friends she has farewelled over the years.
I just miss her and I am fast running out of friends who want to have coffee and see my sad face.
I cry alone mostly in my room and I am going to start a journal of my memories as I am so scared I will forget about her stories and memories.
We found some of her writings where she had listed things she would have liked to do- on the list was skydiving- that made me giggle but I hated finding a bucket list that she didn't share.
I sleep on the lounge these days and only get 5 or 6 hours a night- I seem to wake every day at 6am and my first thought is.........oh my mum died.
I'm sounding like a crazy person.
My husband is a firefighter and was called into work tonight and I was so glad as I don't have to pretend to be happy.
Anyway it helps to get my thoughts out.
Much love to all that are grieving. You are not alone.
Marg

Terry

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Re: My mum
« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2013, 02:32:54 PM »

Marg, my Momma died in 1977. Her and a friend were getting ready to go down the Jersey shore for the day and they were going to leave about 10AM. I was called over to the house by her mother, my Grandmother about 9:20. When I got to the house there was an ambulance outside and I had no idea what was going on. I walked in and saw them taking my mother down the steps on a stretcher with a sheet over her face. I lost it. I didn't want to take another breath, the pain was so bad. I couldn't imagine living without her. She was only 48 and never sick a day in her life before she died. The coroner suggested Massive Cerebral Hemorrhage. My son who was five at the time found her. He was actually with her when she died. She said she wanted to put her head down because she felt a little sick in her stomach and then never woke up. My son never recovered from her death.

I can relate to the smells and the remembering. I sealed my Mom's leopard coat and every now and then I release a bit of air so I can smell her perfume. I can still smell it after all of these years.

I wrote this right after she died as I would see her around this time of the year and I made a choice not to follow her.

"A Moment Of You"

The leaves are falling
the ground still cold and hard
wind rustles through the trees
and once again I think of you
standing there smiling, shivering
in your leopard coat
still with the scent of your perfume.
I can see you, Mom.

The sky darkens
the snow begins to fall
and you walk away.
As I watch you in the distance
not wanting to leave
I want to follow but
I look around at the fallen leaves
and feeling the cold hard ground beneath my feet
I know I need to stay.



I just miss her and I am fast running out of friends who want to have coffee and see my sad face.
I cry alone mostly in my room and I am going to start a journal of my memories as I am so scared I will forget about her stories and memories.


We always want to hear about your Mum here. Every beautiful story you want to share. A journal is a good idea. It's always helped me, too.
You will never forget your Mum. It's not possible. :love9:

Much love to you,
Terry

Kathy914

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Re: My mum
« Reply #9 on: October 17, 2013, 07:54:19 AM »
Margaret

Don't ever feel that you didn't do enough for her.  She looked forward to the time you spent together.  And you need to cherish that.  My mom moved in with me when my dad passed away in 1983.  I don't regret anything - just hold on to the memories.  It would be nice if we could have our mothers back - but they are both in a better place and we need to accept that.  But I totally understand where you are coming from.