Author Topic: Making others uncomfortable  (Read 5981 times)

Stephen1983

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Making others uncomfortable
« on: October 08, 2013, 06:00:16 PM »
Has anyone else experienced the feeling that you are making others uncomfortable by bringing up your child?  Every time I mention Stephen around friends or co-workers, they get very quiet.  No one ever brings him up - I'm sure they think it will upset me.  But as long as I'm the one bringing him, shouldn't that signal to them that it's okay to talk about him? It's really starting to bother me. I want to keep him "alive" in my memory and want others to know it's okay to talk about it with me.
missing you
Lisa

Terry

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Re: Making others uncomfortable
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2013, 06:16:53 PM »

Hi Lisa - I responded to this briefly on your introductory post the other day. Sharing that a very good friend of mine was just too uncomfortable around me and told me so.

On the other end, I've had family that refused to bring up my children's names at the dinner table. Every time I would start to talk about one of my babies, the subject would be changed. "We know it upsets you" etc., etc., etc. And, I became very tired of it all and just blew up at one holiday dinner. I've come to the conclusion that a lot of people are not in touch with their own feelings. They are afraid to cry, to show any emotion. Why? I have my theories. It's not even that some are concerned that we will become upset, it's that they, too have to re-live it, get in touch with their own feelings and they are just not comfortable doing that.

I know others have not been affected by my children's deaths and I accept that. My sister has been. My father was. But, others lives continue on and that's just the way it is.

I once said, "Hmmm, do you think if you don't mention them that I may forget that they died?"

People never cease to amaze me. I'm responsible for keeping them alive in the hearts of others. I'm sorry and I understand your pain. Hugs. :love9:

Terry

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Re: Making others uncomfortable
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2013, 06:21:45 PM »

This is a nice poem  you can relate to, I'm sure. It's posted under Birthdays and Angel Dates for October from a mom on this board. Here is the link: http://webhealing.com/forums/index.php/topic,6632.0.html It's called "Please say their names"

SarahW

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Re: Making others uncomfortable
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2013, 09:26:57 PM »
Has anyone else experienced the feeling that you are making others uncomfortable by bringing up your child?  Every time I mention Stephen around friends or co-workers, they get very quiet.  No one ever brings him up - I'm sure they think it will upset me.  But as long as I'm the one bringing him, shouldn't that signal to them that it's okay to talk about him? It's really starting to bother me. I want to keep him "alive" in my memory and want others to know it's okay to talk about it with me.

I definitely experienced this.  I just keep talking about Vince anyhow.  Something will remind me of a story about him, or some characteristic of his, and I will say, "That reminds me of the time Vince . . .," or, "Vince was like that, too . . ." or whatever.

I just ignored the silent stares or the looks people tossed each other, and talked about Vince whenever I wanted to.  Eventually, it was accepted by close family and friends, and now, after 4 yrs, people are much more relaxed and some even join in.

And I'm with you - I liked being able to talk about Vince, and I want to keep him "alive" in that way.  People didn't understand that at first.  I never explained it, but  with time, persistent, consistent behavior from me helped family and friends to be more comfortable.

If my own talk upsets me, I cut it short.  I know people are uncomfortable watching me cry about Vince, so I don't take it that far.  But more often than not, I have enjoyed talking about Vince, and the crying happens later, when I am alone.

In the beginning, I wanted to talk about Vince all the time, and I did have to watch not to overdo it.  It helped to talk to someone who felt the same way I did - I was lucky in that my mother-in-law felt the same way I did and liked to talk and talk about Vince (who was her only grandchild; they were very close).  Early on, I thanked her for being someone to whom I could "talk about Vince as much as I want," and she knew just what I meant.

I don't know if you have someone like that in your life, but if you do, take advantage.  It also helped that I had a counselor I saw once a week and could talk and talk to him about Vince (it helped me not overdo it around others).

Anyhow, your desire to talk about precious Stephen is 100% normal.  And know you are welcome to do that here.  Want to tell us some stories about Stephen?  I'm sure I speak for others here when I say "we're all ears."

All the best to you!
« Last Edit: October 09, 2013, 03:32:07 PM by SarahW »
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Stephen1983

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Re: Making others uncomfortable
« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2013, 07:03:57 PM »
thanks for all the supportive messages!!  This is really going to help me :love4:
missing you
Lisa

Rebecca

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Re: Making others uncomfortable
« Reply #5 on: October 14, 2013, 02:12:21 PM »
Yes, after 8 years I can easily tell the signs from others.   They look away... get antsy... I talk about Jason anyway...we have "lost" friends because, because I am really not sure.  One couple just stopped talking to us as did my own sister.  I am better off without them and it does not bother me.

MARTHA(CANDI'S AUNT)

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Re: Making others uncomfortable
« Reply #6 on: October 17, 2013, 06:02:27 PM »
LISA,

   i'm sorry for the loss of your son STEPHEN... I'M glad you found this website. everyone here is wonderful.. i don't know what i'd have done without everyone here.. my niece(CANDI-23) was killed by a 18 yr. old that told his friends he was going to scare them to death & drove wrecklessly & hit CANDI  head-on killing her instantly on MAY 13,2005.

it's been 8 yrs. & i still want to talk about her all the time.. i love TERRY'S quote."do you think if you don't mention them that i may forget that they died."
i feel that way a lot of the time.. i have a friend that i thought was a really good friend & her husband told me over a yr. ago that i wasn't his favorite person because i'm way to negative. i reminded him of the time i saved his wife's job for her by standing up & telling the truth.. that didn't matter he just didn't like me.. i cried & it devastated me.. for 8 yrs. i worked with his wife i was always nice to him when he came in the bank.. then after i quit the bank 5 yrs. later he talks to me like i'm nothing.. she won't answer the home phone or call me from home.. i call her at the bank & she talks to me & wants me to come & have lunch with her & i know it's not her that doesn't like me but i feel like if she can't talk to me while he's at home then we don't need to talk..
   there's a lot of people that when i mention CANDI'S name they change the subject. it makes me not want to talk to them. i love & miss her & just because it's been 8 yrs. they think i need to "get over it." that's never gonna happen...
 i live one moment, one breath & one day at a time.. that's all i can do.. thank ya'll for listening..

 sending hug's,
MARTHA

browneyedgirl

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Re: Making others uncomfortable
« Reply #7 on: October 20, 2013, 08:12:02 PM »
((((Martha))))

Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Making others uncomfortable
« Reply #8 on: November 20, 2013, 02:25:22 AM »
S-even after 7 years I am desperate for people to talk about Adam. I don't want my boy to be forgotten by others, I want to keep him "alive" as long as I draw a breath. What you are experiencing is not uncommon, just a sad reality of a bereaved parent. Just keep on doing what feels right for you and allow others the comfort of knowing that you are desiring of them to talk about him however your wanting it still doesn't often have the other people giving you what you need. We are the keepers of their memories and the teachers to the fortunate who don't walk in our shoes to help guide them along with us on this journey.-P
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings