Thank you guys for caring. I posted something on one of the pages yesterday. I hope you can find it. This morning I am good so far. I did six pages of journaling last night and a lot of it was about Dad. I am attending an art retreat this upcoming week and I believe I will have more time to focus on things that have my emotions all messed up.
One of the deepest hurts is it was not mentioned in the newsletter where I live about my Dad dying so I mentioned it to the apartment manager as did several of my friends here. Dad's death was mentioned a month later. Then we had a mass for Dad at a nursing home where many relatives including Dad's mother used to live. Dad's name was mentioned and after mass the priest talked to Dad's brother, Dad's sister, and Dad's nephew but noone mentioned to him that Dad's loved ones were sitting two chairs away. Could one of them not have said there is his wife. We were once again invisible. When the priest came to the hospital to pray over Dad he did not know my Dad because the priest from where my parents went to church was on vacation. This priest happened to be the priest at the church I go to but he never really offered much comfort to any of us. He did tell Mom he would keep in touch but that never happened. He has only been a priest three years so maybe he needs practice. A local undertaker friend has gotten quite a few complaints from people about this priest seeming lack of compassion for the bereaved. One day I called the other priest who grew up in our hometown. He had experienced the loss of his goddaughter who was only sixteen months old and he seemed to understand some of what I was feeling when I expressed anger towards a lot of things. This priest was also not able to attend Dad's funeral. But, we had the best priest even though we had to wait so long to have the funeral. I see a new doctor Friday and I am going to share what has happened with Dad and what some of my feelings are about everything. The previous doctor was fired for some reason but that doctor told me Dad is in heaven and heaven is where God is and God is everywhere including our heart so Dad still lives in my heart. I so wish I could get a sign that Dad is having a good time and that he is indeed in heaven.