Author Topic: Marriage on the Rocks  (Read 4243 times)

helene

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Marriage on the Rocks
« on: September 04, 2013, 12:39:06 PM »
Hi Everyone,

I haven't been here for awhile because I've been through and am going through terrible stress and anguish. My marriage is falling apart. I am 8 months into recovery from alcoholism and things are going great there with me having a sponsor, lots of new friends, support, a good therapist etc. BUT my husband is now addicted to the internet - sex. In a desperate bid to have some time out from our marriage I suggested to him that he use some of our savings and take a trip to Europe. I know he's going to go. I don't feel that our marriage is going to make it. This is bringing on a different kind of grief for me which will go on for a long time no doubt. On the other hand...I do need to finally establish myself as an independent person and stop pouring all of myself into the bottomless pit that is, unfortunately, my husband. And he, in turn, needs to 'find himself' somehow.

Thanks for listening and I'll try to get back here more often because I miss you folks!

Your friend,

Helene.


Helene & Lesley

AC Mom

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Re: Marriage on the Rocks
« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2013, 09:07:56 AM »
Helene,  I am so sorry to hear of your marriage troubles, but great to hear from you!  And great to hear your recovery is going well.

Sometimes when a marriage hits a hard spot, the best thing the two can do, is to take time off.

I am probably more open minded to porno than most women are.  Men have had a addiction to porno for years.  Some more than others.  :) 

You have to ask yourself why his addiction to porno bothers you.  I realize some women just don't like it, some feel threatened by it.    Maybe its just the amount of time he spends looking at it.

Like I said, I don't have a problem with it.  I had two husbands that watched porn on a regular basis.  My kid watched porn, which made me wonder if the like of it was genetic. :) 

You guys have a lot of years invested, like all other marriage problems, maybe the two of you can find a middle ground on this that you both can live with.

Love
Peggy






Doug1222

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Re: Marriage on the Rocks
« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2013, 11:12:15 AM »
Hi, Helene! It's good to hear from you. Sounds like life's a mixed bag right now. Time out from the marriage sounds like a good idea. Whether it'll make it or not...it's impossible to say. I'm sure a break might do you both good, though.

I'm very happy to hear your recovery is going well. Building that support system might be what gets you through whatever happens with the marriage.

It's very good to hear from you.

((((((((Helene)))))))))

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: Marriage on the Rocks
« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2013, 12:06:43 PM »

I am 8 months into recovery from alcoholism and things are going great there with me having a sponsor, lots of new friends, support, a good therapist etc.


Congrats, Helene! I'm so happy for your continued recovery that you've earned and will continue to through the hard work you have been doing.

Thinking of you with Lesley's birthday fast approaching. :love9:

(((((((Helene)))))))

Love & Hugs,
Terry

helene

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Re: Marriage on the Rocks
« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2013, 06:20:57 AM »
I can't tell you the extent of why I'm upset about what my husband is doing. It is too horrible to say. Worse than I could have ever imagined. I could have even handled it if he were interested in another woman or another man.

I am suffering grief of the end of a 27  year relationship. A relationship I know has to end. On top of that Lesley's birthday quickly approaches. September is a terrible month for me and none more terrible than this one I can tell you.

Thank you for being there for me. I suffered a nervous collapse the other day and since then I can hardly eat. I'm thin anyway so this isn't good. I do have support and I am reaching out all over the place in desperation including here.

Grief is grief is grief.

Helene.


Helene & Lesley

Doug1222

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Re: Marriage on the Rocks
« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2013, 07:16:15 AM »
Oh, Helene, I'm so sorry to hear that. If what he's doing is illegal, I would say get out of the marriage and get out of it fast. You'll be pulled into any investigation that looks at your computers.

I'd actually say turn him in if what he's doing is illegal. (Just making a guess at what's happening based on my occupation.)

Whatever happens with that, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it. Looks like it's time to get on with ending the marriage, but I'm very happy you've gotten sober and can deal with it having a clear head. It's good that you have a support system in place, too. Keep on talking to us. We'll listen.

(((((((Helene))))))))

AC Mom

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Re: Marriage on the Rocks
« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2013, 09:11:36 AM »
I agree with Doug, if what he is doing even borders on being illegal, its time now to get out.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.   

Love
Peggy

helene

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Re: Marriage on the Rocks
« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2013, 12:03:35 PM »
Thank you everyone. I'm sure at this point it's all fantasy for him. He's leaving for China on Monday. I have no control over what he will do or what will happen to him there.

I will not lose my sobriety over this. I do have a lot of support in this town and I know I have all your support here at Webhealing. Time on my own without my husband will help me to think things through and get advice from different people.

Part of my problem right now is that I find if very difficult to eat anything. I have to force myself to eat.

I'll keep in touch with you all in this next while.

Thank you again for all your caring and concern!

Helene.


Helene & Lesley

Doug1222

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Re: Marriage on the Rocks
« Reply #8 on: September 06, 2013, 02:22:46 PM »
Part of my problem right now is that I find if very difficult to eat anything. I have to force myself to eat.

I get that COMPLETELY!! I'm the exact same way. I actually have a hard time making myself eat anytime, but it gets worse with stress. 

What I kind of call my "crisis" started early in the fall of 2011...probably late August/early September. It started getting really bad around the beginning of November. It didn't even start getting better until months after I got here the beginning of '12. I ate every couple days (and slept maybe every third day) through that. I'm still having trouble eating, actually.

I lost probably forty pounds in around five or six months. I'm still forcing myself to eat so I don't lose anymore.

I get that totally.

helene

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Re: Marriage on the Rocks
« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2013, 08:00:19 AM »
Hi Doug,

Ya, I'm not sure how much I've lost but I'm down three sizes and perhaps four now because the pair of jeans I bought a week ago are loose. My friends in AA and trying to feed me! Actually I can eat a little better when I'm around people I can trust and people I feel comfortable with. I'm forcing myself to eat a yogurt now and I'm supposed to have dinner with my AA sponsor and her husband later. I feel like a little kid these days with all these people taking care of my while my marriage falls apart.

Doug, I'm glad you're feeling better these days than you were. It's hard to take care of ourselves in the midst of crisis and grief. And - YES - I'm grieving these days - for the crumbling apart of a 26 year marriage with a man I loved and thought I knew. How much can you ever 'know' another person anyway? People can hide the darkest aspects of themselves very well.

Take good care of yourself Doug and I will try to do the same.

Helene.


Helene & Lesley