Author Topic: another beginner  (Read 3346 times)

BGRx333

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another beginner
« on: August 27, 2013, 04:18:54 PM »
Hello, I'm new here. My wonderful wife of 46 years passed away unexpectedly on July 3rd. I have a couple of issues for the group:

Many friends and acquaintances respond to the news with something like, "You should be grateful for the wonderful life you had with her." Yes, of course I should; they were wonderful years.  But we were looking forward to more wonderful years. If anything, my loss is greater because the years were so wonderful. Somehow this response seems to try to mitigate the loss and it irritates me. Am I being oversensitive?

Also, I am reading a book called I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye, which is aimed specifically at folks who have experienced a sudden loss. The book says it is common for grievers with a sudden loss to want to understand exactly what happened. I have that desire and I'm wondering if that is common to others here who's loss was sudden. And, if so, did it help to find out exactly what happened?

Thank you for letting me join your group.

MyLou

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Re: another beginner
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2013, 02:08:25 AM »
(((((((((((( BGR )))))))))))

I'm so sorry for your loss of your beutiful wife.  You will have people say things that are hurtful to us.  I don't think they mean it.  They don't wear our shoes and don't understand.

I don't think we truly have enough time.  I loss my Lou sudden.  I needed to know exactly what happened.  

We were together 3 1/2 not enough time.  It was so to be forever.  I know he is always with me. Your wife is always with you.  I know it's not the same.

This is a hard journey we all grieve different.  Please take baby steps, one sec, min, hr at a time.  Take care of you get rest even if you can't sleep. Grief wears you down.  

I wish I had a magic wand to take all this away for all of us.  You found us and welcome.  Please post as much as you want.  We are your family/friend here always.


Always,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

Zylen

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Re: another beginner
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2013, 04:44:25 AM »
So sorry for your loss.

You have definitely found the right place as there are many here who truly understand.

I suddenly lost my wife of 16 years from what was supposed to be a routine surgery while going through treatment for breast cancer.

I also wanted answers and did not get them, as the staff there did an investigation into what may have caused her passing and they couldn't figure it out. So I guess I dd get an answer, it just wasn't any help in this case.

Most people mean well when they say those things, and they can't possibly understand this grief and pain unless they had gone through it themselves. It hurts, but it does help me a little to think of that.

Take one day, or even one moment at a time.

((((((((BGR)))))))))

Terry

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Re: another beginner
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2013, 04:53:56 AM »

((((BGR))))

Welcome to Webhealing. I'm so sorry for the recent and sudden loss of your precious wife.



Many friends and acquaintances respond to the news with something like, "You should be grateful for the wonderful life you had with her." Yes, of course I should; they were wonderful years.  But we were looking forward to more wonderful years. If anything, my loss is greater because the years were so wonderful. Somehow this response seems to try to mitigate the loss and it irritates me. Am I being oversensitive?


No, you're not being oversensitive, at all. Words hurt and though they come from well meaning folks who care for us, they simply don't understand that all you need is a hug and someone to listen when you want to share about your wife. They won't understand until they've suffered a great loss.

Know that we understand here and you'll find others who have walked or are still walking your path. This is a very difficult time, early grief. I, too have lost many suddenly. It's a pain and a shock unto itself.

We're here for you and we care, very much.  :love9:

Sending hugs & love,
Terry

Doug1222

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Re: another beginner
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2013, 05:52:16 AM »
Welcome to Webhealing, BGR. I'm sorry about your loss. I lost my brother and my dad. That's what brought me here. You'll find wonderful, supportive people here and mostly you'll find out you're not alone.

I also read I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye. That book was very helpful to me. To answer your question, I never will know exactly what happened. Both of mine were bizarre, very similar accidents. They were both killed on the side of the highway probably by distracted drivers. Neither one was even driving. They were both completely faultless.

What helped me more than finding out exactly what happened was accepting that I'll never know exactly what happened. Things happen. For some reason, they happened to my family twice.

I hope you find comfort here. I know you'll find support. We're here anytime you need to talk.

Doug

Terry

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Re: another beginner
« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2013, 03:37:16 PM »

How are you doing, B? Thinking of you today.

Sending hugs & love, :love9:
Terry

BGRx333

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Re: another beginner
« Reply #6 on: August 29, 2013, 06:12:45 PM »
Thanks for checking on me.  I had a pretty good day yesterday. I did a little gardening which is the first productive thing I've done since she passed. And signed up for some one-on-one counseling which starts tomorrow. Nevertheless I have trouble seeing what the point of it all is. I feel like she was 60% of the thing called us. I don't see much value in the remaining 40%.

Terry

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Re: another beginner
« Reply #7 on: August 29, 2013, 07:23:14 PM »

The sunshine is good for you and I'm glad to hear you basked in it today! And, gardening is really good therapy, too. Truly, it is. And, feel free to post pictures on your progress, even if you've just planted a small bush or even did some weeding. It's all an accomplishment.

Do let us know, too how the counselling is going. I can certainly understand your questioning what good will come from your choices right now but believe me, a lot of good will come.  It's only been a little over a month since your precious wife died. This is a very difficult time but progress can still be made by pushing forward. One step forward, two steps back in the beginning and then after awhile it does get better.

Keep posting. It helps a lot. I and many others here use webhealing as their online journal. You're among others who truly understand your pain and with such a recent and sudden loss, your shock also.

We're always here for you. Thanks so much for your post and updating us on how you've been doing. We care.

(((((((( B )))))))

Sending hugs and love, :love9:
Terry

Zylen

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Re: another beginner
« Reply #8 on: September 01, 2013, 03:29:55 PM »
Nevertheless I have trouble seeing what the point of it all is. I feel like she was 60% of the thing called us. I don't see much value in the remaining 40%.

I feel like this many days. The brighter side is those days come to pass, not to stay.

Sometimes the value could just be little, like being the cause of another's laugh or smile, looking forward to something with a friend, or even something greater like saving a life so that they go on helping others.

It's so hard, especially in the early days, to see any value in anything, but it does happen little by little, and in my opinion with it the hope and feeling that the loved one that's passed is watching over us, and is proud that we go on and honor their memories.

And say whatever you want, whenever you want here...there is such great support here...we get it, and no one is going to judge you for it.

I hope this helps,
(((((((((BGRx333))))))))))

Kevin

BGRx333

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Re: another beginner
« Reply #9 on: September 01, 2013, 05:32:13 PM »
Thank you Zylen. I appreciate your support and from the others.

I am trying very hard to keep "What would she want me to do?" in mind. That seems to help me keep getting up in the morning.

I know she has never; and now, will never; experience what I am going through now (I am so thankful for that!) but I can imagine how she would handle it; and that gives me something to shoot for. She was so strong.

browneyedgirl

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Re: another beginner
« Reply #10 on: September 08, 2013, 10:25:06 AM »
Welcome to webhealing...please forgive my late greeting. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your wife. You see you have come to the right place. I'm sorry you have to be here but there are many loving, caring people here. We understand......again, welcome.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

BGRx333

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Re: another beginner
« Reply #11 on: September 08, 2013, 04:27:44 PM »
Browneyedgirl - Thanks for the welcome. I've been doing OK during the day lately, but the nights are hard to get thru. I'm going to take a trip out of the country to visit friends in a different surrounding. Back in a couple of weeks.

jbryant

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Re: another beginner
« Reply #12 on: September 17, 2013, 06:39:48 PM »
Welcome BGRx333 your at the right place to come to right now I to had a sudden loss of my spouse of 35 yrs (cancer) and Ive read the same book twice it helped me and im still learning my heart goes out to you as this will be the hardest journey you will ever encounter its what Ive have encountered along my journey and Webhealing is the place to come to to help you along the way we are all here for the same reason gain welcome JB

BGRx333

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Re: another beginner
« Reply #13 on: September 18, 2013, 12:15:45 PM »
Thanks jbryant, I appreciate your support. I am, on a lark, visiting friends right now in Italy, but, at the moment, I am wondering what I am doing here. I feel hollow, half alive, directionless. I have just wandered into this place having lost my compass. It is beautiful here but the world is full of beautiful places and I have been to many of them but it is "we" who have been there not me. The sharing of it with her is the important part not the place itself.  I don't see any way out of this. I don't see how it gets better.