Author Topic: Missing Maggie  (Read 2667 times)

maggiesmom4life

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Missing Maggie
« on: August 21, 2013, 06:35:00 PM »
 :LA:Well, It's going on 11 years this October since I lost my very wanted fertility baby. There have been many more losses before and after her, but she's the one I grieve the most probably  because I was able to hold her in my arms and kiss her, and love her, and tell her I will always miss her and I buried her and had a ceremony for her. My family has made it abundantly clear that it is time to move on and stop grieving her. After many fights, I have given in and pretended to do as they ask and act happier and move on but it's all a total lie. My insides don't match my outsides but i'm playing their game. I've tried therapy, medications, and anything else one could think of to no avail. Missing her is just going to be my life forever even if it exists only within me.

October 24, 2002
The Day Maggie Died

The clock read 12:10 and Maggie May decided  to come into this world before it was her time. This event would prove to be the end of two lives, mine and hers. Doctors said there was no chance for survival; it was too early, but Maggie fiercely disagreed with that diagnoses. Hours and hours went by and then contractions began. My little fighter hung in there like a tiny soldier at war. Finally, Maggie May, fragile and breathtakingly beautiful, made her entrance into this world despite both of our protests. She took a breath and raised her frail, emaciated arm as if to wave goodbye.

There is little doubt that my Maggie wanted to live and cling to the inside of my body where she was warm and nourished.

Neither is there any doubt that I failed her as her mother, her protector.

In the week before her birth, my back ached with the pain similar to that of an inflicted wound. The Doctor said: "Go home, you're fine" and in silence I retreated. Soon an odd tingling began low in my pelvis. "You're a nervous mom" the Doctor said "Try to enjoy your pregnancy, relax." I knew better, but like a coward, I again said "OK" and headed home.

I now know in my heart that Maggie was in distress as if she were screaming out "Mommy, please help me!" In the worst act of betreyal imaginable, I was unable to help this wonderful creature, full of innocence and beauty. As a penalty of my actions or lack of, I wonder through each day waiting to die and travel to Heaven for the great reunion.

Guilt? I face it every day. It forces me to painfully realize that there will be times in my life , though none as excrutiatingly painful as the loss of my Maggie May, that my best of intentions and all the love in the world is just flat not good enough.

Maggie will always be the love of my life, and without her here, life is not life anymore.

Thanks for listening,

Jamie

Terry

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Re: Missing Maggie
« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2013, 06:13:46 AM »

(((((((Jamie)))))))

I'm sorry for your pain. The guilt, which we all feel for one reason or another is what can prevent us from ever finding peace. It is truly a monster.
We place our faith in our doctors and assume they are advising as to what's in our best interest. I'm sure you were doing what you felt was the right thing to do at the time. We all look back and think, what-if? But, there are no do-overs.

My heart aches with yours, missing your Maggie so and I wish you didn't have to live without her. A part of us dies with our children. I understand this only too well.

I hope you can one day find some peace knowing how much you wanted Maggie in your life and how much you loved her. She felt your love, Jamie.  :love9:

Hugs,
Terry

AC Mom

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Re: Missing Maggie
« Reply #2 on: August 23, 2013, 02:08:21 PM »
Jamie,

I am so sorry to hear about your Maggie.  Having a child die is something no parent should go thru, regardless of how old that child is.

People mean well when they say the things they do..... Move on, get over it, is probably the worse one.   You can move forward, but you will never get over it.  I found when my 30 year old son died in a accident a little over 11 years ago, I had to find another reason to go on with life.  I did a lot of crocheting of baby blankets for the local hospital, and other organizations.  Thru the years I have done lots of volunteering.  I now volunteer for a local Pet Rescue.  Nothing warms my heart more than the looks on the families faces when we have spent hours looking for their lost pet and then take him/her home.   

I can't really comment on feeling guilty, I have never felt guilty.  My son died doing something he loved, riding thru the mountains on his motorcycle.  But, I can speak in general about guilt, it usually leads to bitterness, and  bitterness will kill you.

Its not your fault Maggie died.  She came into this world knowing you loved her, and she knew that when she slipped beyond the veil.  She is still with you, look for the signs, they are there, and they do make you feel better.

Love and Hugs
Peggy



MARTHA(CANDI'S AUNT)

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Re: Missing Maggie
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2013, 09:17:13 AM »
i'm sorry you're feeling like this... i'll keep you in my thought's & prayers... try to take thing's " ONE MOMENT,ONE BREATH, ONE DAY AT A TIME."



SENDING YOU HUG'S,
   MARTHA

Barbara

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Re: Missing Maggie
« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2013, 10:16:53 AM »
Jamie, I am so sorry for your loss. The worse thing someone can say to the grieving is to "move on" or "it's time to get over it". Sometimes it just infuriates me and other times I try to tell myself that they just don't get it,,,they don't understand,,,and part of me is ok with that because they would have to experience it to understand it and I wouldn't wish this on no other....Big hugs to you Jamie...

barb0617

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Re: Missing Maggie
« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2013, 05:42:13 PM »
Hi Jamie, I'm so sorry you have to feel this perpetual sorrow, and I do hope you will continue to work your way through to a place of relative peace. So many of those who have not lost a child advise us, OK, enough, time to act as if it never happened.  Everyone here knows that doesn't work, that it's not possible, though sometimes we wish it were possible. I firmly believe that we must push ourselves along, as best as we can, to live the kind of life that honors the child - or children, as the case may be - who left this world too soon. It's not easy. But ultimately - joy cometh in the morning - if only we can persevere and survive long enough for its arrival. I lost my Jimmy, 21, 1999 in a car accident. His brother, Tom, 2007, to suicide. He was bipolar and didn't have the personal resources to survive the loss of his brother. I mourn who they might have been, the lives they would have lived, the children they would have brought into our lives. I am blessed to have two surviving daughters who help me to see that life is still worth living. Jimmy's birthday is Sunday - hence my visit to this site, which allowed me to survive child loss. Everyone here understands.