Author Topic: My brother was my best friend...  (Read 4136 times)

searaccoon

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My brother was my best friend...
« on: May 29, 2013, 11:13:47 AM »
I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to write again-I'm rather fragile these days and can find doing anything at all difficult.  It's strange that we sometimes withdraw so when the isolation is a poison that bleeds us.  I know this and still I return to solitude in my lowest times.  I want you to know reading these responses brought me a much needed warmth and I can see that I'm really not alone.  Thank-you for allowing me to be my depressed, grief-stricken self here.  No one wants to be around that, but I feel safe being bluntly open here, and I really hope that it's okay.

More about my beloved brother David...  he was a stay-at-home Dad to his precious daughter, Fiona, three years old.  Fiona was the light of his life and I'd never seen him even comparably as happy before his daughter arrived three years ago.  Indeed, it is a tragedy for her and she is having a hard time of it.  He was with her 24/7 and to suddenly be completely cut off like that..  She is in counseling and seeing a social worker.  I am going to use this space to be completely honest and open, though it kills me to say this..  Fiona is not the bubbling happy, carefree child she was,  there's a definite consistent low mood about her and she's become highly insecure- such as too afraid to go down slides she would have jumped on before.  This has affected her profoundly..  and you know what?!  You know what pisses me off??  She's been with David day and night for three years-  but because she's so young, she won't remember any of it.  All the hours David spent doting on her drawing, singing to her, reading to her (and he did the BEST reading with different voices and sounds and everything), rocking her to sleep for an hour or more, talking to her CONSTANTLY and always telling her how special she was and how much he loved her, and countless other things.  They lived in Seattle, WA and I live in Portland, OR, three hours drive.  I went up there OFTEN for at least 4-5 days each trip so I spent A LOT of time with my brother and Fiona, and I am telling you I can't fathom a more loving, nurturing, doting dad.  All I can muster is WHY?!  Sigh..

David was also a devoted husband to his wife, Shannon.  They were married 14 years.  Shannon is a real sweetheart and was a blessing to David.  David was a tender husband and often massaged Shannon when she came home from work.  David worked an an electrical engineer before they decided for him to be a stay-at-home dad.  David often commented that being a stay-at-home daddy was "the best job I could ever have."  Less income was no sweat to David as we grew up poor ourselves.

Ohhhh   PLEASE tell me why won't he talk to me??  Why won't he show me a sign??  I talk to him and beg him to, to have that confirmation that he was okay, that he was existing as a being in a beautiful place.  Why can't he show me?!  Why?!  What does that mean?  I believe in God, but I have my doubts, and most recently, anger.  I've been doled a whole lot of loss and abuse in this lifetime. Oh, the agony of it..  My biggest fear:  humans simply no longer exist when they die.  Why can't I receive a message or a sign so that I might have some consolement? 

godolphin7

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Re: My brother was my best friend...
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2013, 07:42:30 PM »
My brother passed away July 6th and I hope hhis spirit saw me with him as I got to his hospital room less than an hour after he died although I'd seen him earlier in the day.  We had often talked about life after and  after he died I talked to him for days and really I don't know where he's gone.  My brother didn't believe in an afterlife but I asked him to send me a dream , something some message if at all possible.

The day after he died, I had a dream, where we were sitting in a back garden and he was waiting for me, loking much younger and asked if I still remembered my pet name for him.  In my dream, I couldn't remember but he leaned forward and said that I called him Raymie.  He said he was sill my younger brother, my Raymie.  I am 50 years past using that name but that dream calmed me and let me believe that perhaps that was the message I had asked for.  Grief is oppressive but I know that even though it may get easier to bear, I will haveit for the rest of my days.

Terry

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Re: My brother was my best friend...
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2013, 02:15:31 PM »

Ohhhh   PLEASE tell me why won't he talk to me??  Why won't he show me a sign??  I talk to him and beg him to, to have that confirmation that he was okay, that he was existing as a being in a beautiful place.  Why can't he show me?!  Why?!  What does that mean?  I believe in God, but I have my doubts, and most recently, anger.  I've been doled a whole lot of loss and abuse in this lifetime. Oh, the agony of it..  My biggest fear:  humans simply no longer exist when they die.  Why can't I receive a message or a sign so that I might have some consolement? 


I wish I could answer that question for you. What I have experienced with all of my loved ones has differed as to when I've had dreams and other signs. Remember, too that signs can be so subtle that they can be overlooked. A lot of times, they 'are' overlooked.

Why some are so pronounced and alive in nature and others are fleeting thoughts/feelings, I just don't know. I do believe it has something to do with where they are and the work that they, too have to do. So, just as their work is just beginning when they leave this earth, so is ours as we start down our path to grieving their loss.

Just believe that David walks with you. Talk to him. Tell him how your day is going. Share your feelings with him. Believe that you know he can hear you.

My son's daughter was just a little older than Fiona when he died. She is 14 now and remembers every moment she spent with her precious Daddy. Children don't grieve openly as adults do rather internalize those feelings which in time become memories. She will not forget her Dad. It is our job, our responsibility to keep their Dad alive by sharing stories about him and allowing her to share her memories of him. And, if she see's others sad because her Dad is not around, it gives her permission to also express herself in a way she wouldn't ordinarily if everyone else around her was walking on eggshells and not mentioning his name. Mention him often. It's ok for her to see others grieving for him. It's real and she needs to be around real, now more than ever.

I grieved openly for my son, whether my granddaughter was around or not. She learned that it was natural, normal to feel pain and sadness when someone we love is no longer in our lives. Today, my granddaughter is very well adjusted although she went through a stage, like Fiona where she was insecure and withdrawn and was very unhappy. She misses her Daddy very much and always will and she knows it's OK to talk about him with anyone.

I think the mistake some make is putting on that mask and a cold face and display reserved mannerisms whenever the children are around. When adults do this the children feel out of place and they also feel their feelings are wrong and not accepted. Children need to know that their feelings are important and they don't have to hide in a closet to cry when company comes over.

Some children will act out for a while or display other behaviors not characteristic of their norm but I'm sure she will be fine. What's most important is to listen to everything she has to say. She's already blessed with a great Aunt!

Keep me updated on how she's doing. And please know that she will never forget her Daddy.

Sending hugs & love, :love9:
Terry