Author Topic: A different kind of grief...  (Read 15859 times)

Doug1222

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A different kind of grief...
« on: July 25, 2013, 06:24:48 AM »
I've spent a lot of time talking about my friend, Becky, in the last year. She's been a huge part of my life since we got back in touch last spring...my wife's life, too. We've spent a lot of time together and talked for hours and hours. I thought we were best friends. I'm no longer friends with her. The whole thing is complicated, but I was forced to say goodbye to her the other day.

She has a lot of issues. I could no longer handle some of them. No specific thing happened. We didn't have an affair or really a fight or anything. We were still friendly all the way to a few days ago then I found out some things I just couldn't handle. I couldn't take some of the drama. I don't think she meant to say hurtful things, but she did. It was too much, and I had to say goodbye while we still had some friendship left. I was worried she'd say something hurtful to my wife. We've never done anything but be kind and generous to her, either. It was time to say goodbye. It's complicated. It's quite possible that our friendship burned too hot and burned out. I wish her the best.

I'll always be thankful that she came along when she did. I was in a deep tailspin at that time. I needed a friend, and she gave me one. I'm thankful for that. My life is better because of her, but there's a point where we have to let go. We hit that point. It was a real goodbye, and I tried to tell her whatever I could to last the rest of our lives. I'm moving on. Some things can't be repaired. Last year, this would have been devastating to me, but I'm oddly at peace with the decision at this point in life. I'm much stronger than I was when she found me thanks in large part to her. I wish her the best. I hope she finds happiness and peace. My wife and I just can't help her anymore.

Still sad, though. She did help me whether she meant to or not, and I'll always be thankful. I just posted last week about how much she helped me when I was having trouble over my brother. I did my best to be a good friend and help her, too. I'll always miss the friendship that could have been, but it was time to let go. We could have stayed such good friends...or maybe that was just my imagination filling a space I needed filled. I don't know. Anyway, I'm glad we got to be friends for a little while as adults. It helped me, and I pray that it helped her. At least I know what happened to that little, blonde haired girl who was my friend when we were kids. Just a little blue today. I'm not used to losing friendships.

I've been through worse, but it's still sad.
 :love9:
« Last Edit: July 25, 2013, 08:27:58 AM by Doug1222 »

Doug1222

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Re: A different kind of grief...
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2013, 11:11:17 AM »
Think I'll just have a good cry tonight.
 :tearyeyed:

browneyedgirl

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Re: A different kind of grief...
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2013, 06:16:11 PM »
(((Doug))))  I am sorry I can't offer more than that.  I know what is is like to lose a relationship with someone you really care about.  It's like the death of the relationship.  I hope you're feeling a bit better. Hugs to you and your wife. :engel2:
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Doug1222

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Re: A different kind of grief...
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2013, 08:03:07 PM »
Thanks, Pam.

missingsomuch

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Re: A different kind of grief...
« Reply #4 on: August 10, 2013, 09:50:19 AM »
It's a hard thing. Hugs and compassion to you.

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: A different kind of grief...
« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2013, 07:42:35 PM »

I'm sorry to hear this, Doug and also for your pain. I agree that it's a 'huge' space in-between childhood and adulthood and locked inside that time-frame-space are many secrets. Some are shared. Some can't be. We find out some things that disappoint us due to our expectations of one another and those usually stem from childhood feelings. The innocence of childhood is shattered so easily, isn't it?
As we grow, so do our problems when their not dealt with early on.

I know how happy you were when you guys first hooked up. And, I'm glad you had that time to spend together; both of you, to grow and learn. I'm really sorry you were hurt and I know your decision came from a place deep inside and that place is sacred and should always be trusted.

Sending you a big hug and lots of love.  :love9:

(((((((((Doug)))))))))

Always here for you,
Terry


Doug1222

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Re: A different kind of grief...
« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2013, 01:40:37 PM »
Thanks, everybody. I'm starting to feel a lot better today. It was kind of a shock to my wife and me.

It's getting better.


(((((((((Everybody)))))))))))

Terry

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Re: A different kind of grief...
« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2013, 06:49:16 PM »

I can imagine that both you and your wife are shocked, disappointed and very sad. The loss of a friend, due to whatever the reasons may be is still a loss and we grieve that loss. Please know we are here for you and although you don't need to go into any details as that's very personal, your feelings are very important and I encourage you to share them here as you are comfortable doing so.

You have such a good heart, my friend.

Sending you a big hug & lots of love, :love9:

((((((((((Doug))))))))))

Terry

Doug1222

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Re: A different kind of grief...
« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2013, 08:43:18 PM »
(((((((Terry))))))

Thank you. I actually shared a lot more originally then felt better and changed it to a happier post. I needed to be happy for a little while.

I'm sure I'll need to share more at some point. There will be more difficult times...I'm sure.

She was a huge part of both of our lives for a year...huge part.

It is grief for sure. Right now, I'm feeling ok, though. I might talk some about it tomorrow.

Thanks. :love4:

Doug1222

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Re: A different kind of grief...
« Reply #9 on: August 15, 2013, 11:51:31 AM »
You have such a good heart, my friend.

Thank you for saying that, Terry. This whole thing has been so difficult to accept kind of for that reason. I never did one thing to hurt her. I thought we were friends and the betrayal was just something I'm not used to.

Twice in a row, I wrote out kind of what happened and deleted it. The details should probably stay in the past. It's probably better to just leave it at this. We could never be friends again. I could never trust her again. The cuts were too deep and too many...it hurt mostly because I don't know why. Probably never will.

It’s getting better. The most important things in my life are great. I have a wife who loves me an unbelievable amount...as evidenced by her acceptance of this unconventional friendship. She was never jealous and actually was happy that being friends with Becky made me happy. It took effort on her part to stay friends with Becky, but she did it to make me happy. I have a wonderful wife. She trusts me. I treat her good. We're very happy together. We have kids and grandkids and plenty to be comfortable. Life is good for us. Becky had a multitude of problems and was a ton of maintenance to be friends with. It was worth it to me when I thought we were friends, but we could never be friends again. Life's good. I'll move on.

I have a mutual friend with Becky who told me after all this happened that she saw how good my wife and I were to Becky. That friend told me after all this happened that she saw it coming months ago but hoped she was wrong. She thinks we were projecting our goodness into her.

I hope it helped her in some way. If for no other reason than I really did love that little, blonde-haired girl who was my best friend in kindergarten, I hope it helped her.

If so, at least it wasn't a waste.
 :love9:
« Last Edit: August 16, 2013, 05:19:36 AM by Doug1222 »

Doug1222

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Re: A different kind of grief...
« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2013, 12:30:31 PM »
Whew!! I had a lot to say. Going back and reading that, it still doesn't make any sense at all. That was just the end. The rest is even more strange. Doesn't make sense. I'm sure it never will. I think a lot of people who know me (and Becky probably) think there was probably an affair or something the way we were so tied together then it ended so quick. We didn't, though. Nothing even slightly close. Nothing romantic at all. I told Becky when we first got in touch that I'm not a cheater. Nope, nothing even a little close. That would have made a little sense at least. Oh well...

My wife and I thought we were friends with her. We tried to help her. We did our best. Guess we'll just get on with our life and hope the best for her. It's been just about a month since I said goodbye. Saying all that will probably help me move on.

My conscience is clear.

Life goes on.
 :icon_flower:
« Last Edit: August 16, 2013, 05:28:16 AM by Doug1222 »

Terry

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Re: A different kind of grief...
« Reply #11 on: August 18, 2013, 07:42:17 PM »

Hey you! I don't know what happened to that beautiful post you wrote but I did finish reading it and really appreciated your sharing those painful and personal feelings.

I'm glad you feel better since writing it. It's another chapter in many that we re-live and learn from. Although those chapters in themselves do not a book make, we can still continue to grow and learn from every read.

Yes, life goes on. We go on after a tragedy the best we know how and I believe with all my heart that the lessons we've (hopefully) learned make us better people.

Hold on for brighter tomorrows! :love4:

(((((((((Doug)))))))))

Love,
Terry

Doug1222

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Re: A different kind of grief...
« Reply #12 on: August 20, 2013, 07:23:01 AM »

Hey you! I don't know what happened to that beautiful post you wrote but I did finish reading it and really appreciated your sharing those painful and personal feelings.

Sorry, Terry. I kept writing and unwriting it. I'm glad you got to read it. That's what happened at the end.

It hurt.

I've been through worse, but it did hurt. I'm getting better.
 :love4:


Doug1222

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Re: A different kind of grief...
« Reply #13 on: August 22, 2013, 10:15:59 AM »
This really hurts. I know I deleted the details of what happened at the end, but Terry saw them. This is really just about how much it hurts right now. The way it ended, I have to just make it no contact from here on. There's nothing left to talk about. Based on the last messages we got, I don't know if my friend even cares or if she's just moved on to her next victim(s).

It's an extremely conflicted emotion. On one hand, I hate her. I hate what she did to me and my wife. I hate the way she casually dismissed it and reversed everything that happened to make herself the victim. I hate the way she stole time, effort, money, and emotion from me and my wife. I hate the way she made it impossible to even discuss. She lied about me to a complete stranger! Even if I thought I could talk to her and re-grow the friendship, I'm sure my wife would never trust her again...for good reason. She talked bad about my wife, too. I doubt if she even cares. I hate that. It all mattered to us. Otherwise we wouldn't have invested so much into her. Now it feels like she stole a year from our lives. We put a tremendous amount into this friendship, and it was tossed away so casually as if none of it meant anything. My wife is also very angry that Becky didn't appreciate how important it was that I trusted her. My wife said to me a couple nights ago,"You actually trusted her. You don't trust people easily, and you just gave that to her as a gift. She didn't even appreciate how precious that gift was!" I think that's what bothers her the most. I blocked Becky everywhere when she sent those crazy messages at the end, but my wife didn't block her anywhere. She's still paying attention, and it seems as if our friendship was just tossed away casually. Like it meant nothing. We did an INCREDIBLE amount to help her, and it looks like not one bit of it was appreciated. I am most angry that this whole thing hurt my wife. She knew better. She warned me months ago that she didn't trust Becky, but she kept on being friends because it made me happy. It was purely something she did for me. It was effort on her part. And now it was tossed in the garbage by my selfish, lying "friend".

On another hand, I will always love that little girl who was my friend. She was my very first friend in the world. I saved a place for her in my heart for nearly forty years, and she told me I had a special place in hers. Lies. It was apparently all lies. Sometimes I think I was seeing that little girl. Sometimes the emotions felt real. I doubt if that love will ever go away. I just might have to accept that the little girl who was my friend actually died a long time ago. This woman who pretended to be my friend wasn't her. Something happened to her along the way. It really did feel like the friendship was real at times.

It's hard to tell with the way she betrayed me. All we ever did was help her and try to be good friends. She smiled at me while sharpening the knife to stab into my back. I have never been betrayed this badly in my life.

It just sucks.
 :tearyeyed:
« Last Edit: August 22, 2013, 10:35:11 AM by Doug1222 »

Doug1222

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Re: A different kind of grief...
« Reply #14 on: August 22, 2013, 10:26:15 AM »
Life is very good, though. I don't mean to be all doom and gloom...just trying to process through. I made the mistake before of trying to stuff everything, and it didn't work. I'm not doing that again.

This hurts. I'm going to feel it until it's better.

Overall, life is great, though. Our youngest is getting married this weekend!! We have a wedding rehearsal tonight. We love his fiance. She's been great for him. That's good. We're incredibly happy for both of them and our little granddaughter. (She was born a couple months ago.) They're going to make a beautiful, little family. We're real happy.

...and it's the type of thing I would've liked to share with Becky. That's kind of what rekindled the feelings. Those things are what we said we missed sharing with each other. We talked about it all the time. It appears now that it was all lies on her part. She was probably just telling me that because she could tell I needed to hear it, and she wanted to use me. I was looking forward to that friendship. Now it was stolen from me.

That's what sucks.

I do realize what a wonderful life I have, though. I have a terrific wife and family. Our life is great! Hers is all screwed up. We tried to project goodness into her life, but apparently she's more comfortable in chaos and darkness. Oh well, we tried. Time to move on.
 :icon_flower:

Thanks for listening.
(((((((Terry))))))))))