Mom gone 18 but still grieving

[Musunga]

Hello,
I am 40yrs old and i lost my mum to cancer 18yrs ago. I was 22yrs then and it was 2weeks before my wedding.  My parents were never married, I was the only child my mother had and was raised by my maternal family.  My 1st marriage failed and so is my current 2nd one.  My father and my maternal family are always there for me but some how I don't feel I belong and the longing for my mum grows with every passing year.  I fail to talk to any on about it but find myself weeping for her most nights and its worse lately. After reading some books on grieving, it seems I may be stuck in one of the stages of grieving.  I've been for counselling but they say I should try to let go... deep within I don't want to let go because I feel she is all I had/have.  Does it get any better, does it get easier?  So often I just want to be alone, I actually want to disappear from everyone I know - family and all.  With them around I am forced to wear a brave face because i feel they won't understand how up to now I can still be grieving beacause i dont understand it myself.   
How does one learn to live with such emotions and still be happy?

[Terry]

Musunga,

Not sure if you're stuck in grief so much as you are feeling the sadness, expressing it. I've buried my whole family and I miss them, especially around those special dates and times when they brought so much to my life.

My Grandmother died 3 years after my Mother and her daughter died and that was back in '77 and '80. Today I was sharing a story about my Grandmother with my physical therapist and the tears just poured out. He in turn shared a story of his Grandfather that died 30 years ago and his eyes filled with tears.

We never stop missing them. How could we? They brought so much to our lives and love is forever. I was in my twenties also when my Mom died. She was my best friend. I often wonder how much different my life  would have turned out had she lived.

Hugs,
Terry

[Musunga]

Thanks Terry and Adams for yr response/comment.  Great food for thought, gives me the chance to interpret my feelings differently.  I hear u Terry, we never stop missing them.  Thanks again and keep well

[zola]

I think your failed marriages made you grieve more than an average person. But it's OK, there is hope. It is possible to find better partners/friends, people you deeply connect to. Having true friends makes people grieve less. In the meantime, you should take care of your health for yourself and for your mom. Those words are also for myself, when I'm motivated to live a good life for my mother. When I'm too sad, I stop being hard on myself, meaning not working hard. Instead I enjoy food. Going to restaurants, or eating unhealthy but consoling food like chocolate.