Hi Terry and Doug and Everyone,
I feel so guilty about not being in contact with you all for so long and when I do it's all me, me, me when you all are going through so much and I'm missing people's Angel Dates and Birthday Anniversaries too, that it's difficult for me to come back here with more me, me, me.
Perhaps if I tell you a bit of my schedule you'll see why I haven't been around much and why it's more me, me, me than ever before.
I'm going to around 6 AA meetings a week, many of them on evenings after work and three on the weekends. Last night my temporary sponser spent two hours with me on top of all that to go through 'step two' even though I'm now champing to get on with the dreaded step four and five! I realize that having patience and taking time to reflect is very important. Also, I had to say NO! to an old highschool friend who is an active alcoholic who wanted to stay over night at my place and bring a mickey with her after her performance as a stand up comic in the only bar in town that allows toking as well. I didn't think it was the *right thing* for me right now.
I have two therapists. One for coping skills for living in sobriety. The other for childhood trauma and abuse. I am delving more and more in to Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder) and how both Lesley and I had/have it. Also, the age of onset of DID is critical in zeroing in on family suspects: those who had *most access* to Lesley and I before the age of 9, as DID onset is typically between the ages of infant to age 6 and one can be an 'expert' at it by age 9 onwards. There are two people who had equal access to both Lesley and I at those ages: One: our 'mother' and two our older brother Daniel. I'm not looking for 'justice' but I do need to know - to remember - for Lesley and for me.
AS well I've joined a Grief Group (FINALLY AFTER NEARLY THREE YEARS SINCE LESLEY'S DEATH) which meets every Tuesday evening. I told the group at our first meeting last week that I didn't feel qualified as it's been nearly 3 years since Lesley died and the two facilitators and the rest of the group said that I am very qualified and to keep coming. The group runs for 6 weeks.
Last but not least, I am in a program that deals with coping with powerful emotions. I got permission from my boss (which was difficult for me to do) to take this program every Tuesday afternoon from 2:30 to 4:00 pm for 16 weeks.
Am I a glutton for punishment am I not?
I have much more I could tell you all. I think you'll see more poems from me very soon as I am taking in so much that I will eventually need to write about (and paint) these days. I have one for you today.
Thank you all for your ongoing caring and love. You are my family here at Webhealing and as long as I've got breath in me and you can stand me, I won't leave here!
Helene.
Topic: (((Helene))) (Read 4222 times)
