Author Topic: When will it end?  (Read 1749 times)

Mommysbabygirl

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When will it end?
« on: April 05, 2013, 02:02:20 PM »
I went home for 6 weeks back in October. While there I saw my mom headstone for the first time in person. I may have mentioned that before, but I am not sure. Since then I felt better. I felt like myself again. Last month however the anxiety started coming back and the dreams about my mom. A coworker lost contiousness at work and I went to her side and stayed with her till the perimedics came. As soon as they took her away I started crying hystiraclly. I don't know what came over me. I've never been like this before. Then today a friend was visiting and his shoulder was bothering him. He decides to go to the doctor. Hearing him say this brought on the anxiety again. He just texted me that they are keeping him overnight because his blood pressure is high. I immediately go into another anxiety attach. I start to feel guilty because I cooked dinner last night that he ate and I'm thinking maybe it was too salty. I try to eat healthy now, but he hadn't been supportive and tells me that I should eat what I want. My sister says the same. She says I should eat in moderation, but I feel that these foods though very delicious are unhealthy and that thinking is why my mom isn't here. I felt like she ate what she wanted and if she had only eaten healthier she'd still be here. I felt like I should have given her more fruits and veggies and not what she wanted, but I didn't know the extent of her health problems and that the food was hurting her. I don't know if even the healthy foods would have helped, but i'd feel better if I tried. I needed to talk to someone because I felt like I was feeling "normal" again, but when people are unwell I have anxiety. I don't want to lose anyone else. Not right now.

browneyedgirl

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Re: When will it end?
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2013, 04:08:50 PM »
I have always said "if we would have only" since my brother died....there are so many ways to finish that sentance.  I finally had to try and let that go...try not to be to hard on yourself.  Grief has many forms and many stages, be patient with yourself.  Sorry I do not have any better answers for you.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Terry

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Re: When will it end?
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2013, 08:52:31 PM »
I went home for 6 weeks back in October. While there I saw my mom headstone for the first time in person. I may have mentioned that before, but I am not sure. Since then I felt better. I felt like myself again. Last month however the anxiety started coming back and the dreams about my mom. A coworker lost contiousness at work and I went to her side and stayed with her till the perimedics came. As soon as they took her away I started crying hystiraclly. I don't know what came over me. I've never been like this before. Then today a friend was visiting and his shoulder was bothering him. He decides to go to the doctor. Hearing him say this brought on the anxiety again. He just texted me that they are keeping him overnight because his blood pressure is high. I immediately go into another anxiety attach. I start to feel guilty because I cooked dinner last night that he ate and I'm thinking maybe it was too salty. I try to eat healthy now, but he hadn't been supportive and tells me that I should eat what I want. My sister says the same. She says I should eat in moderation, but I feel that these foods though very delicious are unhealthy and that thinking is why my mom isn't here. I felt like she ate what she wanted and if she had only eaten healthier she'd still be here. I felt like I should have given her more fruits and veggies and not what she wanted, but I didn't know the extent of her health problems and that the food was hurting her. I don't know if even the healthy foods would have helped, but i'd feel better if I tried. I needed to talk to someone because I felt like I was feeling "normal" again, but when people are unwell I have anxiety. I don't want to lose anyone else. Not right now.

I know that with PTSD and high anxiety, you can actually transfer those feelings from a loss to any event that causes fear. It can be debilitating at times. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now and please know I understand.

We all have the 'what if's' and it's just something I have learned to live with over time. When someone dies, someone has to be blamed. I have found this to be true. We want to think there was so much more that we could have done when in all reality, we probably did it.

When I feel anxious over a memory where I feel regret, I try (really) hard to replace it with a peaceful and happy memory that the two of us shared. It took a long time for me to be able to do this and it really helps.

Always thinking of you. :love9:

Love,
Terry