Another first

[AC Mom]

We all know about all the "firsts" that first year after the death of our child.  Being 10 years in, I thought I was done with those horrible firsts.

At AC's memorial service their were 2 little girls sitting in the corner.  They were trying to act all grown up, as their parents had told them too.  Occasionally they cried, occasionally they were hanging on to their Dad, or they would come give me a hug.  They both wondered why their "Uncle Al" had to die. And no one could give them a answer.

Both those little girls are grown now.  Life goes on, even after our kids die.  Both are married now.  Both have presented their Dad's with their first grandchild. 

Thru the past 10 years, AC has missed a lot.  But, I always knew he was at my neices wedding (the one he called his little sis), he was at the birth of her kids, he was there when we thought her youngest wasn't going to make it thru the night, after accidently getting into medication.  I knew he was there when my nephew got married, the one that said he would never get married.  

But, I never thought, seeing my nephews, who were more like brothers to AC than cousins, hold their first grandchild would be one of those "firsts" that would send me into that dark place I hate.

I knew someday all those little kids that AC loved, would grow up and have kids he would never meet.   But, I never thought of what it might do to me.

AC will never hold his first grandchild, or the grandkids of the cousins he loved so much...... And its just not fair.

Love
Peggy

[Terry]

It's been more years than I care to remember since I lost my first child and your right, it isn't fair. It isn't fair that they didn't get a chance to live out their lives and to experience this wonder called life. Some of our children weren't even here long enough to experience a simple friendship with another or the joy of learning in school and the miracle of having a child of their own.

Time reminds me that the circle of life, though suspended for us all, for some has been sliced away, discontinued....interrupted.

No, it isn't fair.

I'm sorry for your pain and sadly, I understand.

Thinking of your precious "AC" with love.

(((((((Peggy)))))))

Love,
Terry

[browneyedgirl]

((((Peggy)))))

I feel the same way watching my nephew grow up - with no Dad or Mom. 
That they are not here for him, to see him grown up, etc.

Hope you're doing okay today.   

[AC Mom]

Terry and Pam, thank you.

Terry, I have always said, losing AC was bad enough, but at least I saw him grow into a man, many don't get that chance.  I can not imagine losing a small child, that never really got a chance in this life.

Pam, I have often asked myself what is worse, a small child losing a parent or a parent losing a child.  They are both so tragic, its not fair.

I am a bit better today.  I will climb out of this dark hole, and maybe it won't take long.

Love
Peggy

[Adams Brokenhearted Mama]

Losing a loved one is never something anyone of us is going to get over nor not be stopped in our tracks from time to time with overwhelming waves of grief and the unfairness of it all.
I'm sorry for your profound sadness.
L,
Paula

[Doug1222]

Peggy, we never know what will hit us. I lost my brother in 1995 and thought I was doing ok.

Then the Cardinals had that amazing run into and through the World Series in 2011. It might seem stupid to some people, but that threw me into a tailspin. I kept wanting to pick up the phone and talk with my brother. He was the biggest Cardinal baseball fan ever in the world. He had a couple things placed in his casket. One of them was a signed baseball. Anybody who knew my brother understands.

It kicked off the crisis that led me to here.

We just never know what will do it. Hang in there. Life really isn't fair sometimes.

((((((((Peggy))))))))))

Doug

[AC Mom]

Thank you Paula and Doug.  I guess I thought those bad triggers were gone.

There is so much I can laugh and smile about now, I just didn't expect to be hit by a bad trigger.

Love
Peggy

[Doug1222]

I don't guess they're ever gone, Peggy. It seems like they get less frequent and less severe, though.

That thing with the World Series completely took me off guard. It was good news!! Threw me into a tailspin, too. At least it forced me to finally deal with some issues that had been there for a very long time. It served a purpose...sure sucked while it was happening, though.
 

Hope it's a while before you get hit with another.

((((((((Peggy)))))))))