I lost my son almost 2 weeks ago....I have looked at other Grieving Mother websites, but honestly, those ladies have scared me, so I'm staying away. But I am desperate to figure out how to deal with this.....
Hi, Dawn. Welcome. I remember that feeling of overwhelming desperation when I lost my son. Yes, it is normal.
I have realized there is no time limit for grieving. I can be literally sobbing and unable to function, then the next day, able to look at his pictures and smile....talk about him....maybe a little tear or two....but functioning....then BAM....today for example, I'm a mess. I don't know if it is because a week ago today, was the last time I saw him.....I don't know if it is because of the dream I had last night.....I don't know if it is just because my broken heart hurts more today then yesterday.....
Two weeks is a very, very short time when it comes to the loss of a child. I am at about 3.5 yrs, and am still having the experiences you describe - just not as often and without so many sudden, wild mood swings - but I still have some meltdowns and times when I just cannot talk about my son at all without falling apart.
You are doing great just to be able to get up in the morning, and it's really great that you find there are times, no matter how short-lived, when you can look at his picture and smile.
It will all take however much time it takes, for it to be less raw, and for you to learn to manage the pain and the sudden attacks of grief, etc.
I look at texts or messages I've posted, where I poured my heart out, then embarrassed to smile later because how could I have been so incredible sad hours earlier....and a-ok just hours later? I don't understand this....I have always been in control of my emotions, very "black and white", I've turned into someone I don't know.
You're a grieving mom. I never really knew one either, until me. It will take some time to get to know the new you - because you are a new you, living in a new world.
I'm worried my son is looking down at me just thinking"really?". He used to laugh with me that we were the same. So undramatic....but why am I being so now? I try not to tell people stuff, because they feel sorry for me.....
I can really relate to this. Both my son and I would roll our eyes at drama queens. But you're not being a drama queen. You have suffered a horrible, horrible, shocking loss.
I know what you mean about not wanting people to feel sorry for you. I am much more comfortable having my meltdowns all alone, somewhere where I can scream and cry unheard. But I do let myself do that. Don't judge yourself - cry whenever you need to - at the sappiest song or the most truly tragic memories. It doesn't matter. Give yourself permission to hurt and to let that hurt drain - there's no such thing as over-dramatic or "more tears than you should have" or anything like that at a time like this.
I cannot explain what I'm feeling....I cannot figure out if I'm overthinking things, I don't think I am because I cannot stop thinking of him. I try to rationalize to myself....my son was grown...he had a life....we didn't talk daily, we had a wonderful relationship, but I was always so wrapped up in my work, my grandson...he had his life...we just didn't talk daily. but now, my son is my only thought.....am I wallowing in self pity? I don't think so, I hate feeling like this...I want to be normal...I want to function....I just don't understand this.
You are not wallowing in self-pity. You are experiencing very normal grief.
You will never be the same, but you will find a new normal, and a new way to function.
Don't try to understand it; you don't have to understand it. Just let yourself go through it.
I can't remember how long it took for me to stop thinking of my son every second, non-stop. At 3.5 yrs, I am sure I don't go a half-hour without thinking of him. But that's OK. That's how things are right now for me.
I have always been so self-reliant and it sounds like you are the same way. Here is something that really helped me: Getting a professional counselor. I still see him one hour a week. Among other things, it gives me someone to talk to so that I don't talk incessentally and crazily at my friends and family.
All my best wishes to you, and I am so very sorry to hear of your loss.