My love, it's Christmas...it's Christmas, and my heart cries out for you are not here! Your in your grave! I am alone! I feel so alone on this day you loved so. My soul searches for relief, yet finds none. Has God abandoned me also to my grief? Am I to carry this agony the rest of my life? How shall I heal? How shall I carry on? How shall I live without you...my love? How shall I live without God? For it seems all have turned their backs upon me. Leaving me in...in this slaughtering of my heart, and soul. My body seems to exist in this void. How do I....? What is this thing called death? Separation? Yet the memory of you still lives within me. Even when I wish it was all wiped clean, so the pain would cease. Yet I could not live with that wish being fulfilled. For as much as I don't want this pain, all of what happened is part of me now. I really wouldn't trade it for unknowing you, loving you. I just wish I would think, breath, sleep! Yet waking reminds me of your absence, and laying down reminds me of my loneliness, my isolation without you, and I cry far into the early morning for you! It is Christmas...the first one without you, and I don't know what to do! There is no tree, no presents, no family, no you. I sit here listening to Psalm 77, over, and over, and I just want to scream at God....WHY? Why has everyone abandoned me in my old age? Am I, was I that evil? Maybe so? Smoking cigs for relief yet get none. Hope for a phone call yet want none. Whis for one true friend to cry on their shoulder, and find none. Remember God's dealings within my own life. I always seem to walk away or the thief comes and takes my hope in the night? I don't know where it goes.? Yet find it gone all the same. Your dead, and gone, and I search for God to ease my pain. Finding myself alone in this white bleak, frozen waist land all alone...cold as stone. Cracked within! Is it because of my sin's? Is there no redemption for me? God, my God...how long do I have to plead? My throat is dry from my tears! My ears are deaf from Your silence! To whom do I turn? Where shall I search? I have sought Your face within...only to find this pain that won't end. You say the kingdom of God is within? Yet all I find is ruins and rubble with no end! Oh Lord, where are You in my sin? I am left alone it seems till my end.
I know, I hope this won't be the end? The endless hopelessness...dis-pare...is called a sin? Yet that seems all I am. Oh Lord...please...oh please...come to my rescue in truth, in light, in love....please end my plight? Can I sleep this night, any night?
((((((((((ALL))))))))
~Rodney~
Topic: coversation with God, journal entry. (Read 1511 times)
