Author Topic: Dealing with Dad's Fiance  (Read 4862 times)

Ranger32080

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Dealing with Dad's Fiance
« on: December 08, 2012, 04:08:40 AM »
As I stated in my topic on my mother Laura, my father has found someone and moved them down here and is now living him him and I.  At first, she seems like a nice person and is willing to help out.  However, I don't know if she feels threatened by my sister and I or what.  We are not allowed to enter their bedroom or bathroom without asking for permission first.  When she makes desserts for a certain person, nobody else is allowed to have some of it without the intended person having some first or have to ask permission on that too.  She also makes comments in a joking manner, but we take them seriously because we feel she really means it, but yet doesn't want to upset us.  It's bad enough that my niece stated yesterday that she hated it here. 

Another sad part is that my father won't stick up for us or himself.  There was an argument over my sister's cell phone bill.  My dad was on my sister's plan and the fiance (Beth) thought that my dad was paying too much for his part.  So, Beth nagged and nagged until my father got a new phone that you just pay monthly with no contract.  Thankfully, the contract on his phone with my sister's plan had ran out a few months before and didn't have to pay to get out of it.  My sister has told me she is done with Beth and really only comes over when needed to.  Meanwhile, I'm stuck here because I don't have the money to move out. 

I don't know much about her previous life before meeting Dad.  I know she has MS, but has it under control and she is active as any other regular person.  She was married before yet they never had any children.  I know this is a huge adjustment for all of us, but if things keep going the way they do, my father will end up losing my sister and I because we won't put up with her.  This whole situation is sad because the family started growing apart the last few years before Mom passed and when she did.... we became closer than ever before and now, it feels like it's falling apart again.  It's like a 2 on 1 wrestling match and my father is just someone on the outside because he won't do anything.   I just pray that somehow this will all get settled

Terry

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Re: Dealing with Dad's Fiance
« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2012, 12:29:13 PM »

Adam - I would have to ask myself, "would I be happy with my Dad being with anyone other than my mother?" My Dad never remarried after my Mom died (38 years prior to his death) so that was never an issue.

There are other members here who are either dealing with this sensitive situation or have dealt with it and hopefully they will offer what has helped them. Everyone is an individual and the qualities that may not appeal to us, as we tend to 'compare' a lot....that's just human nature - these qualities in your Dad's fiance may appeal to him. And, also the fiance probably already knows that she is not welcomed in your lives and that could be initiating a lot of the sarcasm (as in joking) and other behaviors that you and your sister do not find attractive.

It's very difficult to enter into another's family. There is so much history to deal with, and for that reason I certainly wouldn't want to be the 'other woman.'

We all grieve differently and the hurt that is felt when the love that was devoted for one person is no longer displayed can deepen and become very confusing.


  I know this is a huge adjustment for all of us, but if things keep going the way they do, my father will end up losing my sister and I because we won't put up with her.  This whole situation is sad because the family started growing apart the last few years before Mom passed and when she did.... we became closer than ever before and now, it feels like it's falling apart again.  It's like a 2 on 1 wrestling match and my father is just someone on the outside because he won't do anything.   I just pray that somehow this will all get settled


I'm sorry that both you and your sister feel that this relationship is causing you to compete for your father's love and attention. Have you thought about having a 'sit-down' and hashing it all out? Is that a possibility? Just a thought.

Please keep us updated!

Love,
Terry

Ranger32080

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Re: Dealing with Dad's Fiance
« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2012, 03:17:39 PM »
I do want my father to be happy.  It just doesn't feel right because it didn't take him long to find Beth.  I do know that everyone grieves differently time wise.  Either he got over it fast or he hasn't started yet.   You might be right that she may not feel welcomed, but she could have made an effort to try or at least talk to us about it.  I actually talked to my sister about having the sit down and hashing it out, but she refuses to.  I always have been a peacemaker and avoid conflict as much as possible.  However, I've also been the kind of guy that would keep my mouth shut and hope things blow over fast.   Maybe I need to grow some and try to talk to Beth about all this. 

I do know what you mean by it being very difficult entering another person's family especially if you haven't met them previously.  I wouldn't want to be the other guy either.   

I don't think that we're competing for his love and attention.  We just want her to stop the sarcasm and if she has a problem talk to us.....or at least, that's how I feel. 

Ranger32080

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Re: Dealing with Dad's Fiance
« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2012, 08:58:43 PM »
UPDATE:  someone upstairs must have listened to me on this one.  My sister and Beth went Christmas shopping together today and after they were done and I was at my sister's apartment, I asked her how it went?  She said good.  I then asked if things between her and Beth were better and she said yeah.  I was like "Thank You God."   Hearing that made me so relieved and happy.  She also told me that Beth was very proud of me for losing so much weight.  I've lost 40 pounds in 3 months.  Don't ask me how, cause I dunno lol. 

Terry

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Re: Dealing with Dad's Fiance
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2012, 05:10:42 PM »
UPDATE:  someone upstairs must have listened to me on this one.  My sister and Beth went Christmas shopping together today and after they were done and I was at my sister's apartment, I asked her how it went?  She said good.  I then asked if things between her and Beth were better and she said yeah.  I was like "Thank You God."   Hearing that made me so relieved and happy.  She also told me that Beth was very proud of me for losing so much weight.  I've lost 40 pounds in 3 months.  Don't ask me how, cause I dunno lol. 

Oh Adam, this is wonderful news!!! I'm so happy to hear this and thanks so much for sharing it with us. A little here, a little there and a lot of compromise from all sides and I see this working out for all of you. This sounds very positive.

Remember, too that we're in the midst of the holiday season and being bombarded with memories of Christmas's past...I know that I am and it's a difficult time for everyone.

I've posted this link on a parent remarrying and sometimes too soon, as thought by other family members. Although there are many threads such as this one, I chose this one. You're definitely not alone in how you're feeling.

Doug is away for the weekend but when he returns, I'm sure you'll hear from him. He's a great member, contributing on all of the boards and is always very supportive.

This thread is titled: "Topic: Dad is dating again ... please, anybody else been there?"
http://webhealing.com/forums/index.php/topic,7767.msg55196.html#msg55196

Thanks so much for the update! Things are looking up, for sure!!!  :love4:

Sending hugs and love,

((((((Adam))))))

Love,
Terry

Ranger32080

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Re: Dealing with Dad's Fiance
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2012, 10:57:23 PM »
I actually remember reading that particular thread before I joined.  That story that you posted about that one couple was pretty awesome. 

 I honestly can't thank you enough Terry because you have been so supportive.  You have really helped me in making it through all this.  I can't wait to hear from Doug. 

((((Terry))))

Terry

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Re: Dealing with Dad's Fiance
« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2012, 11:02:11 AM »

(((((((Adam))))))) :love4:

Always here for you.

Doug1222

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Re: Dealing with Dad's Fiance
« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2012, 04:04:08 PM »
Hi, Adam. I did deal with a similar situation after we lost my dad. He was killed in an accident in 2000 when he was 57. My mom moved down here near me and met a guy named Butch at church. She dated a couple guys prior to that. They got married about 2004.

I get along fine with him. My sister, Lori, does NOT. My sister works overseas a lot, and I think it felt awfully sudden to her when they got married. She was in Bangladesh when they got married, I think. It had actually been four years, but she was out of the country for most of it. She came back from UAE about 2010 and spent a month or so at my mom's house. They ended up in a horrible fight. I had to go get my sister who was hysterical and crying. I'm not even sure what they were fighting about. She went back to Buffalo, NY, and hasn't spoken to my mom since. I doubt if she ever will.

It is a difficult situation when parents re-marry. I wasn't real happy about it when my mom started dating or got married. We worked through that, and it's ok now for me. He makes my mom happy, so I'm happy for her. I live close and see them all the time, so the adjustment was more gradual for me. I doubt if it ever will be ok for my sister.

If I can help with anything, feel free to ask. I'm glad to see things are improving in your situation. It takes a little at a time. Like Terry said, it's difficult on the other side, too. Just get to know each other and hopefully things will be all right. It's hard on us when parents re-marry, but we have to remember...they lost their spouse. They deserve some happiness, too. It's extremely common for men to re-marry fairly quick after a spouse dies. It isn't anything against your mom. It's what most men do.

I hope things keep getting better for you and your sister. This whole grief thing sucks.

Ranger32080

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Re: Dealing with Dad's Fiance
« Reply #8 on: December 11, 2012, 12:19:03 PM »
Hey Doug, I am sorry about the loss of your father especially in such a tragic way.  How long did your mom wait before she started dating out of curiosity?  Sounds like she had some divine intervention when it finally came time to meeting Butch. 

Did your sister have time to grieve and mourn the loss of your father?  It seems her job doesn't allow her much time for anything since she has to work overseas.  I'm sorry that they ended up having the fight and your sister choosing the path of no return it sounds like.  I will pray for your family in hopes that she will change her mind and try to reconcile with your mother.  My sister says things have gotten better, but she is still unsure about it all.  Her therapist told her that she should stay away for awhile and let things settle or blow over.  She doesn't know if she will.  However, she basically does stay away because the only times she comes over is when she drops my niece off before going to work in the morning and when she needs to do laundry.  So I don't see her often.

I understand that Beth makes my father happy.  The more I talk to her, the better I feel about everything.  I guess in a way it helps that I still live at home so I was able to adjust better than my sister has.  I did have a talk with Beth the other day when she was helping me wrap gifts and she understands the pain that I've been going through with mom and the transition from me to her.  We agreed on the fact that if either of us had any problems that we just need to talk about it.  You are definitely right on the men remarrying faster.  Like I said earlier, Dad had moved Beth down her less than a year after her passing.  My biggest question is when did he start talking to her?  However, that could be a really sore subject depending on what his answer is. 

Yes, grief sucks majorly.  Thanks Doug for writing and I hope things get better for your mom and sister.

Doug1222

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Re: Dealing with Dad's Fiance
« Reply #9 on: December 11, 2012, 12:48:24 PM »
I'm guessing it was around two to three years on the dating, Adam. She talked with me about one or two guys she did things with. Dating had to be really odd for her. She got married at sixteen and stayed with my dad for thirty-five years. She'd never really dated. The first one I met was Butch. She didn't date him long before they got married. That was the biggest shock to me. I'd only met him once or twice and they were married! She just told me one day,"We got married." That was my hardest thing. It was so sudden.

It's worked out ok for me. He's an all right guy.

My sister's had a very hard time ever since my brother died. My dad just made it worse. My younger brother was killed in an accident in 1995. She's only a year younger than he was, and they grew up almost as twins. She has had a really hard time since then. I wish there was more I could do to help her, but she's sort of disconnected. I'm still in touch with her, but she's not really open to that type of thing. I bet we haven't talked a half hour about any of it since 1995. She had the same amount of time I had, but I think being overseas made it feel a lot faster to her than it really was.

I'm really glad things are getting better for you and your sister. On the question of when he started talking to her...does it really matter at this point? I'd just drop that. Knowing the answer won't help anything and could hurt. It doesn't matter. I hope things keep getting better for both you and your sister.

Doug

Oh yeah, thanks for the prayers. Most of us can use all the help we can get.
 :icon_mrgreen:
« Last Edit: December 11, 2012, 12:51:54 PM by Doug1222 »

Ranger32080

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Re: Dealing with Dad's Fiance
« Reply #10 on: December 12, 2012, 10:30:03 AM »
I'm glad that it has worked out for you, your mom and Butch.  I can understand that it was a big hard shock on the fact that it happened so fast.  They must have felt real connected and knew it was right for the both of them. 

I'm sorry about the loss of your brother as well.  I had an older brother (parents first) that died two days after birth in 1975.  He was born a month prematurely and his organs weren't fully developed yet.  I can see how the losses of your father and brother had a huge impact on her.  I hope she isn't keeping her emotions bottled up because that could lead to disaster.  I used to be like that. 

You're right, it doesn't matter anymore.  I hope things does get better.  Beth did kinda irk me this morning...trying to let it blow over.