I really hate to say this yet have nowhere else to vent. It started out actually to be a day where I could actually think a little clear, and then went to shit with one interaction with my roommate. This made me ask myself "what is it that is bothering me so?" except the obvious of Jennifer being gone. What it comes down to is I feel like Jennifer's kids stole from me the recognition of being the one man in their mom's life that loved her no matter what. Through thick & thin. In sickness & in health till death do us part. No matter what I did what ever I had to do..what needed to be done I did it. Like two summers ago I had to make a choice of taking care of my wife full time because no one else was there to do it or go out and find a job because no one was going to pay our bills as they said they would so I could be home to care for mom. This meant leaving my wife alone most of the day, and no one checking on her while I was gone, and they could have. So I went out in hundred degree heat in Texas and found a job. I walked two miles in this heat for three months, and finally had to give it up to care for my wife. I feel like I was used by the kids until it was all over & then thrown away like trash. Where this comes into the roommate issue is she wanted to blame me for her dog being sick. What struck me was she talks to and about everyone like that so it's not me. Even her kids she talks to like this...again not me. So I was pissed yet didn't say anything just went out side and asked myself what was going on with me that I feel like a piece of shit when I shouldn't feel bad about what I have done. Thats when the kids came to mind. Now mind you that I love the kids or else it wouldn't hurt so bad. And the grand-kids...wow being called grandpa and hearing the feelings in that I really miss, and that was stolen from me by their parents who by the way are hospice nurse's...go figure. On top of all that it keeps hitting me that we/I lost everything we accumulated over the years. All the keep sakes, letters written to each other over the years when we were apart. The stupid dancing bear she got me for valentines day last year. By the way when Jennifer died I cried over that little bear. A blanket she inherited from Regina that Regina's mom made. She called it her little binky. Also the bible I got her when she was confirmed one of her daughters took and won't give back. It's all so fucked up & I can't fix any of it & it just eats at me. I know it's all just stuff, yet it's stuff I can never replace ever. I don't want to have a resentment or be angry. I don't have time for that or want to feel this way. I want my slate clean because I know how important that is. I have seen two women face their deaths and that was all that mattered was cleaning their slates as best they could. They taught me that. I'm starting to ramble I think, yet hope this makes sense. Thanks for reading. I do know that what really matters is what I did for my wives, between them and I is all that really matters, but the kids didn't have to be so cruel. Sometimes I feel like I should just pack up what I have left, two bags of stuff and walk on down the road. For how would really care...no one...I know this from spending two months on the streets after the kids through me out on the streets. People drive by you & don't even care to know how the hell you got there or even if you want help getting out. Now I'm done. Thank you. ~Rodney~