Now please bear with me, and I'll explain what happened. I had finished my journal entry for the morning. Then was on the computer, and started typing these words exactly as you see them. When I was finished I wept. They weren't the usual gut wrenching kind. They were tears of being close to Jennifer just for a moment, and I haven't felt that in a while. The one below this one is what I translated it into. There are some inconsistencies yet I think you'll get the picture. I wanted to share this with a close friend yet have none. So your all I have for now. And thank you for bearing with my craziness.
"There's no net under me. Just free falling into nothingness. Empty space all about me. No one anywhere? Screaming help me please someone! Nothingness surrounds me constant companion. What do I do? Can't think my way out of this pain that envelopes me! Rumi say's the healing is in the pain! I don't want to be here in the pain. So I’m fighting it? Why? So much to do! Nothing to do! Have to do something soon? Or what will happen? Everyone will get tired of me and my pain! My pain is all I have left. There is nothing else but this grief! This missing you! Where to go? What to do? Run! There is no running from the pain it's inside me! I carry it always...forever with me haunting me like a ghost I can't see to fight! I lost everything, you, home, kids, all my possessions, you where everything fuck all the stuff! I'm so alone without you! Can't go on like this for long...forever? Or can I? Why not? Who cares really? Just a man, a broken, lonely old man that no-one knows like you did my dear, and I miss that! Someone to know me! Only I want you, and only you! Yet I can't have you...your dead! And I'm all alone stuck inside myself with no escape! Tormented by my memories! Lost in those memories! Abandoned to myself! Who am I? With out you! I feel so broken inside. The shattered pieces of my soul are to many! To many shards to pick up and look at by myself! Yet I have no-one else to help me but me? Isn't that funny! All by myself. Left to pick up each and every broken, painful piece alone! This is a curse of some kind? I have no god to reach for! No gods at all anywhere in sight! Alone and broken! Godless, friendless, wifeless, broken, shattered, pieces missing...your missing! Your missed my love...your missing! What to do? Nothing to do? Feel! Fell apart! Feel some-more! Why won't this stop? Molding you! Changing You! You is me! Why isn't there separation? Because we were one! Are one! One left behind! For what reason? Don't know! Be true to thy self? What self? The pain! Be true to it! Why? Why not! It's all you have left! Oh great! I don't want the pain, the sadness, the lonesomeness, the wanting to end it all haunting me day in and day out! So I fight the pain! Shove it down! Deep deep down where no one can see not even me? That's impossible! Really? Yes! Impossible! Fore that's all there is inside me! You have to face it head on! Lean into it hard! Don' let up until it gives you what you seek! What is it I seek? Relief? Yes! No! Answers? To what questions? To many! How many? Zillions! And none. I just want you back without being sick! That can't happen. Why? That's a question! I know so is all the rest! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
No one knows why! Some one has too! Why? I miss you! Why? I hate you for leaving me alone! For getting sick! For dying! It's funny...I can say why I hate not you yet your death, the sickness, no hope given to us! For picking up that fucking syringe in the garbage! Why do you do that? I know? No I don't? Know I don't! My love! Please don't leave me all alone! I'm sorry baby....I have to? Why? I don't know? I love you! Please stay! Just for a little while longer? Please! It's not possible! I have to die! Just like you will some day? Some day! I don't want to do it without you! You won't! How's that? I don't know! You do? No I don't? Yes you do just dig, look, search? Where? In the pain! It's there! Waiting!
You were there for me! Yes I was! I'll be there for you! Look, seek, dig, don't be afraid! Waiting? Waiting in this thing called grief! Torn asunder! To pieces! Millions of pieces! Painful each on holding onto there own agony! Wait to be found, collected, cherished? Put back in place! Where? Only you'll know that when you look...really look! Look at what? For What? Where to put it! There is to many! Do one at a time! How? They gang up on me! They are many! I am one? No your not! How? Because I am with you! Really? Where? I'm in you...in your heart! Waiting for you to find me! I can't do this! It's to much? There is no time? That's all you have left! What? Time! So use it! While you can! I'll be here cheering you on my love! Just hold on please? Don't know if I can? You can...just breath! Once more for me? I'll try? That's good! Let the tears come! Each one is precious jewels! Jewels of what? Of your love! They hurt? I know! Under the hurt is love! Missing! Longing! Passion! All that know no bounds! You showed me that! No you showed me! Now I'm showing you my love!"
This is the revision of the above which turned out to be a kind of conversation with Jennifer. I understand it very easily could be how I would know how she would answer me. Yet the effect it had on me at the time was profound. Again please forgive the length. I kinda hope someone may get some good from it.
Me; There's no net under me.
Just free falling into nothingness.
Empty space all about me.
No one anywhere?
Screaming help me please someone!
Nothingness surrounds me, my constant companion.
What do I do?
Can't think my way out of this pain that envelopes me!
Rumi say's the healing is in the pain!
I don't want to be here in the pain.
So I’m fighting it?
Jennifer; Why?
Me; So much to do!
Nothing to do!
Have to do something soon?
Jennifer; Or what will happen?
Me; Everyone will get tired of me, and my pain!
My pain is all I have left.
There is nothing else, but this grief!
This missing you!
Where to go?
What to do?
Run!
There is no running from the pain, it's inside me!
I carry it always...forever with me, haunting me like a ghost I can't see to fight!
I lost everything, you, home, kids, all our possessions, you where everything fuck all the stuff!
I'm so alone without you!
Can't go on like this for long...forever?
Or can I?
Why not?
Who cares really?
Just a man, a broken, lonely old man that no-one knows like you did my dear, and I miss that!
Someone to know me!
Only I want you, and only you!
Yet I can't have you...your dead!
And I'm all alone stuck inside myself with no escape!
Tormented by my memories!
Lost in those memories!
Abandoned to myself!
Who am I...with out you?
I feel so broken inside!
The shattered pieces of my soul are to many!
To many shards to pick up, and look at by myself!
Yet I have no-one else to help me, but me?
Isn't that funny!
All by myself.
Left to pick up each and every broken, painful piece alone!
This is a curse of some kind?
I have no god to reach for!
No gods at all anywhere in sight!
Alone, and broken!
Godless, friendless, wifeless, broken, shattered, pieces missing...your missing!
Your missed my love...your missing!
What to do?
Nothing to do?
Jennifer; Feel!
Me; Fell apart!
Jennifer; Feel some-more!
Me; Why won't this stop?
Jennifer; Molding you!
Changing You!
You is me!
Me; Why isn't there separation?
Because we were one!
Jennifer; Are one!
Me; One left behind!
For what reason?
Jennifer; Don't know my love?
Me; Be true to thy self?
What self?
Jennifer; The pain!
Be true to it!
Me; Why?
Jennifer; Why not!
It's all you have left!
Me; Oh great!
I don't want the pain, the sadness, the lonesomeness, the wanting to end it all haunting me day in and day out!
So I fight the pain!
Shove it down!
Deep deep down where no one can see not even me?
Jennifer; That's impossible!
Me; Really?
Jennifer; Yes!
Impossible!
Me; Fore that's all there is inside me!
Jennifer; You have to face it head on!
Lean into it, hard!
Don' let up until it gives you what you seek!
Me; What is it I seek?
Relief?
Yes!
No!
Answers?
To what questions?
To many!
How many?
Zillions!
And none.
I just want you back without being sick!
Jennifer; That can't happen.
Me; Why?
Jennifer; That's a question?
Me; I know, so is all the rest!
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Jennifer; No one knows why!
Me; Some one has too!
Jennifer; Why?
Me; I miss you!
Jennifer; Why?
Me; I hate you for leaving me alone!
For getting sick!
For dying!
It's funny...I can say why I hate not you yet your death, the sickness, no hope given to us!
For picking up that fucking syringe in the garbage!
Why did you do that?
I know?
No I don't?
Know I don't!
My love!
Please don't leave me all alone!
Jennifer; I'm sorry baby....I have to...just for a while!
Me; Why?
Jennifer; I don't know?
Me; I love you!
Please stay!
Just for a little while longer?
Please!
Jennifer; It's not possible!
I have to die!
Just like you will some day?
Me; Some day?
I don't want to do it without you!
Jennifer; You won't!
Me; How's that?
Jennifer; I don't know!
Me; You do?
No I don't?
Jennifer; Yes you do just dig, look, search?
Me; Where?
Jennifer; In the pain!
It's there! Waiting!
You were there for me!
Me; Yes I was!
Jennifer; I'll be there for you!
Look, seek, dig, don't be afraid!
Me; Waiting?
Waiting in this thing called grief!
Torn asunder!
To pieces!
Millions of pieces!
Painful each one holding onto there own agony!
Jennifer; Waiting to be found, collected, cherished!
Put back in place!
Me; Where?
Jennifer; Only you'll know that when you look...really look!
Me; Look at what?
For What?
Where to put it!
There is to many!
Jennifer; Do one at a time!
Me; How?
They gang up on me!
They are many!
I am one?
Jennifer; No your not!
Me; How?
Jennifer; Because I am with you!
Me; Really?
Where?
Jennifer;I'm in you...in your heart!
Waiting for you to find me!
Me; I can't do this!
It's to much?
There is no time?
Jennifer; That's all you have left!
Me; What?
Jennifer; Time!
So use it!
While you can!
I'll be here cheering you on my love!
Just hold on please?
Me; Don't know if I can?
Jennifer; You can...just breath!
Once more for me?
Me; I'll try?
Jennifer; That's good!
Let the tears come!
Each one is precious jewels!
Me; Jewels of what?
Jennifer; Of your love!
Me; They hurt?
Jennifer; I know!
Under the hurt is love!
Missing!
Longing!
Passion!
All that know no bounds!
Me; You showed me that!
Jennifer; No, you showed me!
Now I'm showing you my love!
Thank you for reading a crazy man's ramblings.
Peace~Rodney~
Topic: A strange conversation... (Read 2829 times)
