Author Topic: Jounal entry. This is a long one.  (Read 1218 times)

Rodney

  • nospam
  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 51
    • View Profile
Jounal entry. This is a long one.
« on: December 03, 2012, 03:15:55 PM »
I'm going to copy this exactly how it came out. forgive the length.
I am a little nervous in sharing this, yet it I felt needed sharing.

"12-3-12
    My love, what do I say...I miss you so much! My words lack the expression of what I truly feel. The depth of feeling...of this pain is to deep for even I to fathom...to understand...to express in any understandable or coherent fashion.  And I so long to express it clearly for all to see. For me there isn't anything else but my feelings. Feelings of unimaginable loss. Feelings of sadness which my heart is incapable of containing let alone expressing...only in those moments of uncontrollable expression when all pretense has fallen away and my mind cannot pretend any longer that some how it's going to be OK somehow some way...I find myself on the floor on my knees screaming for you! Hoping you hear my cry, see my tears, know I love you! I beg for release from all that is and has been my life! From all the pain my heart and mind can no longer take...for it is to much for a man...this man to bear. How do I express ...tell someone, anyone...you my love of how, oh so how very much I miss you!? It is breaking me down...down to nothing! There is nothing to hang onto except my grief. In the last nine years I have watched three women I love more than my own life wither in agony down to a shadow of the women they were and perish into oblivion! There are only pictures of them left. Images of only two dimensions giving the illusion of a life once lived. I say illusion for no-one knows the person in the image except me. How I miss, long for...wish for nothing else but YOU! There is nothing else that really matters is there? The continued silence I live within is deafening most of the time. Having no-one to actually talk to ...makes the silence complete.
For none can really know how I feel. Because everyone's experience of loss is individual and contained within it's own contexts. There fore no-one can really know another completely, not really. And the one's that have come the closest to really knowing me are now dead and gone. And I am left alone with that knowledge and it is within that contexts...my experience of these losses (lonesomeness without you) that I find myself. (Darkness) The only expression that I have is my writing. That I find no solace, or comfort, nor peace. Just an inability to put into words what and how I truly feel. This lack...of words, thought, is debilitating in its own right. And I am not sure I have within me the willingness or ability to work at finding that-this voice I seek for. This darkness I live. no, exist within...I find my internal eyes adjusting to slowly for it is dimly lit so maybe I can identify the feeling landscape I find myself trapped within. Like the man in the iron mask, locked in a stone enclosure , cold, and isolated from any and all human contact...without meaning or purpose...just existing in a space/time one can only describe as hell! With no end in sight. And what appears as an "end" to this hell is only an illusion, a mirage, a trick of the mind. For I know under all the trappings of "life" there is no out-there  somewhere else. Some time down this lonely dark road I trudge that you won't be dead, and I won't be missing you....alone!
How many different ways can I say...how much pain I feel? It feels like someone or something has opened my chest...wide...reached within my living, conscious body with the most blunt tool ever invented by mans crulity, and started slowly...ever so slowly...ripping my heart into thin shreds of bleeding, feeling flesh. And these threads have of flesh have a nerve of sorts attached which is linked through a vast network of fibers and other nerves which reach throughout my entire being...and as they are torn from me, some slowly, some lightning fast with no fore knowledge makes my very soul (if there is such a thing?) scream out into eternity...forever...screaming for you! Within each moment the tearing continues and as it does my fleshy heart screams out in silence for you! And there is no relief, from, or for me from these unseen forces which I have no choice but to bear.How is it possible for a man to live in such a place for any amount of time? This unseen dimension I described above is my continual ever expanding reality from which there is no reprieve. No "time served" for good behavior. No reduce sentence. Just the continual internal screaming from every molecules of this being people call Rodney. Who cries out NO....NO....NO...NOT AGAIN!! Not this again! PLEASE PLEASE STOP!
The "this" expressed here is the horrifying...unimaginable experience of choosing to stay and watch, slowly, my love's die from terrifying disease's. Knowing the whole time...with every waking and sleeping moment there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop this from happening again, and again! And now it is like having a movie play upon the screen of my heart, and soul their lives, illnesses, and slow deaths shine continually in front of me with no intermission in sight for I am bound to my fate from which there is no escape. There is a scene in the movie "The Mummy" in which the main character is wrapped, bound with no hope of escape. After having his tounge cut out...made mute....and bound he is placed within a sarcophagus with lots of room...being deep and wide...And before the locking lid is put in place these flesh eating Beetles are dumped upon his squirming body as he screams in muffled tones with eye's wide with fear and terror shining through. This is another analogy of how I sense my existence...bound....muted....deep in the earth with no hope of release from these creatures ripping there way through my flesh, heart, and soul for all eternity! Wow! This all came out of me! And it matters not where I am physically for I carry all this and much, much more within me.
Loving You Forever~Your Husband~"

Thank you for you patience~Rodney~

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: Jounal entry. This is a long one.
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2012, 01:15:21 PM »

((((((Rodney))))))

This is wonderful that you're able to get these feelings down. Keep posting. I'm reading!

Love,
Terry

angie

  • nospam
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 150
    • View Profile
Re: Jounal entry. This is a long one.
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2012, 02:21:43 PM »
(((((((((((((((( RODNEY )))))))))))))))))

Agreeing with Terry.It is good to write this down Please dont be afraid to ever post on here.Writing it down DOES help.keeping it in DONT.
We are all here for you xxxx
Keep posting
HUGE HUGS
Love
Angie
XXXXX

MyLou

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 763
    • View Profile
Re: Jounal entry. This is a long one.
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2012, 03:17:30 AM »
(((((((((((((((((( RODNEY )))))))))))))))))))))))



Always,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again