(((Marty)))
Welcome to Webhealing. Don't try to figure all this out right now. You're still very new to this journey into grief and probably still feel like you've been sucker-punched by life. I feel for you, brother, as I lost my wife of 17 yrs almost 3 yrs ago to cancer. Take things one day at a time. If that is too hard, try one hour at a time ... or one minute. Yes, you've embarked on a long and potentially painfull journey, but I have two bits of good news for you.
1. It really does get better with time. Hang in there.
2. You have come to a place where people know your pain, have "been there, done that, got the crappy t-shirt", and will do all we can to support you and help you on your journey.
John