Author Topic: telling new people  (Read 6322 times)

jasonkl

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Re: telling new people
« Reply #15 on: October 26, 2012, 04:28:56 PM »
((((((((( Sonya and John ))))))))

John I too dread that question as I don't not have a medical explanation for what happened. If I tell them what the death certificate says( accidental overdose). It sounds as if she was abusing her medications, or suicide. Then I get the look of she got what she deserved for abusing her pain Meds. And explain what happened is such a long painful story that I have got it down to she passed in her sleep for unknown causes. Even at the funeral some of her family ask me and did not like my answers. In the end does it really matter what happened or why. They are gone and knowing will not bring them back. Or fix what ever went wrong. Death is always tragic and for those it leaves behind it can be hell.

Jason

Terry

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Re: telling new people
« Reply #16 on: October 26, 2012, 08:44:01 PM »
Yeah you know, you two have got me thinking...what is the answer that they want?
They want to know. Have the information. The gossip. The insider knowledge. We are so used to The Full Story headlines that we internalize the desire for the unedited truth...
But when we / they receive it...
Then what?
The confusion of the truth that is sitting across the table. The truth that comes with bright bold painful emotions...
So which version of death would allow them to meet our eyes?
Not cancer then what? Murder, suicide, both unpalatable.
In his sleep? Is that any better? Alone? Surrounded by 1000 people? Which is the right way, the way to arrive at death and allow you to meet my eye?
That will allow me to meet yours?

Remember, my precious that you do not owe anyone, anything. Others deserve your civility and if they have earned it, your respect but nothing more. So please don't add to your already heavy heart by having to give-to others something they do not deserve. That may sound harsh but what is even harsher and to an extent, cruel is someone expecting you to give a blow by blow, due to their morbid curiosity as to how your husband died.

An answer I offered once: "Does it matter how he died? He's gone and my heart is broken and I would very much appreciate it if you woudn't insist on hearing details on how he died as it opens so many wounds but I 'do' love sharing his life with anyone who will listen." She became disinterested with the latter. Her need was not fed! :dontknow:

We do not have to be on the receiving end of anyone's morbid curiosity. This is another one of those subjects that makes my skin crawl so sorry for the rant here but I feel strongly regarding others needs to be fed and due to those unhealthy needs, displaying their total disregard and lack of compassion for the person grieving their loss.

I hear the pain and frustration in your words and I'm sorry. Share only what you feel comfortable with as you are the only one who is going to care for your heart, care for all of your needs - no one else can either do that or is even remotely interested in doing that.

Firm & fair...our hearts need care!

Always here for you, Son with love and understanding.

((((((((((Sonya))))))))))

Love,
Terry

Terry

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Re: telling new people
« Reply #17 on: October 26, 2012, 08:57:17 PM »
I find the 'How did he die?' really tough so may be a while.

I hate that question ... ok, so 'hate' isn't really the word I want. Maybe 'dread' is more in line with how I feel. Because I know how they will react to the answer, to the mere mention of that "C" word. I'll say "cancer" and they will look away, but not before I see the pitying look in their eyes, the look that combines their own fear of that horrid disease with their discomfort at bringing up the subject. Few of them can meet my eyes at this point. Ialso brings with it a fresh stab of pain, but I'm learning to live with that. All part of the price I pay for having loved and been loved by such beautiful soul.

She's gone.
It was a nightmare for her and those who loved her.
Our lives will never be the same.

I don't want your pity.

John

The price is much steeper than anyone could imagine unless they have experienced such a great loss. I agree. And, there are many ways we continue to pay this price and for a long time.

((((((((John))))))))

Terry

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Re: telling new people
« Reply #18 on: October 26, 2012, 09:30:40 PM »

Even at the funeral some of her family ask me and did not like my answers. In the end does it really matter what happened or why. They are gone and knowing will not bring them back. Or fix what ever went wrong. Death is always tragic and for those it leaves behind it can be hell.


((((((((Jason))))))))

sonya

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Re: telling new people
« Reply #19 on: October 29, 2012, 09:51:33 AM »
AH you know, that rant of mine was heartfelt but ultimately fruitless. I dont want anyone to understand the way that we do. It would mean that they have undergone a similar loss. I didnt know, remotely even, how physically, mentally and spiritually testing this could ever be. To be homest I never thought it was a remote possibility that it would happen 14 months ago. Not so soon. I 'knew' it might be early, in our 50s, but never in a milllion years did I think now, in our thirties.

(Edited because I feel it was a bit too much)

So shall I print the story up for you on a card? On a poster? For colleagues who have bumped into me three weeks after he died who asked in the corridor right before I was about to teach some primary kids. To someone who asked me in a coffee shop? In a taxi?
How fucking inapropriate can you get. This is not the story of my love. This is not the man I love. This is a horrible sickening sad sad turmoil. The horrendous pain that he was in that made the nicest person that I have ever known want to hide from the world in a pain killer haze. Made him want to leave us all behind because, I am sure, he didnt realise how much we all love him. If he did then he would never have gone.

So no. I dont want to ever retell that shitty story.
I want to tell you about the most handsome man in the world. Who was a gardener. Had he an old dear client called Mrs Robinson who, I found out later, used to invite her girl friends round on gardening day for tea and cake and to ogle at the handsome young gardener! lol.
The man who made me a cup of tea every morning, even though he knew it would just get cold, because he knew I liked it. The guy who I learned to fly with. Who I travelled the world with. Who made me laugh. Built me a bed. Bought me a giant firework and a flight in a stunt plane as presents instead of chocolates and flowers. The guy who went out to do the horses early one winters day and wondered why it was so draughty...until he looked down and realised he had forgotten to put his trousers on and was just wearing long johns. The guy who smiled and made the sun shine. The guy who was a gentle man, white teeth and a perme tan. Twinkly eyes and a mischievious giggle. little sausage fingers and a skinny body. Thats who he is. In part. In my heart.

So please, dont ask me to relive the horror of the end days. Let me instead remember the glory of our good times.
« Last Edit: October 30, 2012, 10:04:38 PM by sonya »
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

sonya

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Re: telling new people
« Reply #20 on: October 29, 2012, 10:03:50 AM »
okay.Well I started the reply below thinking I would be all benevolent and forgiving....Guess I am not quite there yet! Apparently, having re-read, I am going through angry, bitter, resentful and largely despising having people poking at the bits that make me feel most regret and guilt.
All in all not very pretty.
But cathartic. Glad I saved it up to be released here and not in a few chosen ears!
I promise I really am doing much better than I seem to be below...Even though I dont retract what I said!
Glass of vino and an episdode of Downton Abbey in order tonight I feel....

Take good care,

Son xx
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

browneyedgirl

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Re: telling new people
« Reply #21 on: October 29, 2012, 01:27:23 PM »
(((sonya)))

Enjoy that glass of vino..... :love4: 

I enjoyed reading about Tone..even if it was  a "rant" as you say :angel11:
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

johnkmurray

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Re: telling new people
« Reply #22 on: October 30, 2012, 07:15:34 AM »
So please, dont ask me to relive the horror of the end days. Let me instead remember the glory of our good times.

((((Sonya))))

I'd say you pretty much summed it up. Celebrate the life, the joy, rather than dwell on the pain of ending. O, and feel free to rant as needed. Here you're among friends who understand.  :blob7:

John

MyLou

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Re: telling new people
« Reply #23 on: October 30, 2012, 02:27:13 PM »
((((((((((((((( SONYA ))))))))))))))

You should remember the good memories and celebrate who Tone was/is.

Don't let anyone make you relive the horror. You don't owe anyone an explaination of Tone's passing.

Rant away we are always here .


Always,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

Jean D

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Re: telling new people
« Reply #24 on: October 30, 2012, 05:35:37 PM »
(((((((((((((SONYA)))))))))))))))

Your heart is the vessel of all the good times...enjoy them and share at will. The rant! Go to it. Rant on!!! We all take our turn in that department. Know we are all here for you when you need an ear, a shoulder to lean on and a large hug!  :sunny:

Jean

Terry

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Re: telling new people
« Reply #25 on: October 30, 2012, 05:43:05 PM »
AH you know, that rant of mine was heartfelt but ultimately fruitless. I dont want anyone to understand the way that we do. It would mean that they have undergone a similar loss. I didnt know, remotely even, how physically, mentally and spiritually testing this could ever be. To be homest I never thought it was a remote possibility that it would happen 14 months ago. Not so soon. I 'knew' it might be early, in our 50s, but never in a milllion years did I think now, in our thirties.

So shall I print the story up for you on a card? On a poster? For colleagues who have bumped into me three weeks after he died who asked in the corridor right before I was about to teach some primary kids. To someone who asked me in a coffee shop? In a taxi?
How fucking inaapropriate can you get. This is not the story of my love. This is not the man I love. This is a horrible sickening sad sad turmoil. The horrendous pain that he was in that made the nicest person that I have ever known want to hide from the world in a pain killer haze. Made him want to leave us all behind because, I am sure, he didnt realise how much we all love him. If he did then he would never have gone.

So no. I dont want to ever retell that shitty story.
I want to tell you about the most handsome man in the world. Who was a gardener. Had he an old dear client called Mrs Robinson who, I found out later, used to invite her girl friends round on gardening day for tea and cake and to ogle at the handsome young gardener! lol.
The man who made me a cup of tea every morning, even though he knew it would just get cold, because he knew I liked it. The guy who I learned to fly with. Who I travelled the world with. Who made me laugh. Built me a bed. Bought me a giant firework and a flight in a stunt plane as presents instead of chocolates and flowers. The guy who went out to do the horses early one winters day and wondered why it was so draughty...until he looked down and realised he had forgotten to put his trousers on and was just wearing long johns. The guy who smiled and made the sun shine. The guy who was a gentle man, white teeth and a perme tan. Twinkly eyes and a mischievious giggle. little sausage fingers and a skinny body. Thats who he is. In part. In my heart.

So please, dont ask me to relive the horror of the end days. Let me instead remember the glory of our good times.

Along with the pain, which can't be avoided... and those feelings are always welcomed here, you also have such wonderful and endearing memories of your beautiful Tony. Thanks for sharing some of the delights of his charming personality. I always love hearing about him! Never stop sharing about him and how beautiful he made your life!

Love,
Terry
« Last Edit: October 31, 2012, 09:44:15 AM by Terry »

sonya

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Re: telling new people
« Reply #26 on: October 30, 2012, 10:03:18 PM »
Thank you so very much for your support and understanding. I massively appreciate it.
Son xxxx
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

jasonkl

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Re: telling new people
« Reply #27 on: November 02, 2012, 12:15:08 PM »
(((((((Sonya))))))
Beautiful words and memories. I agree lets us not relive those last days weeks months or for some of us years. Let remember when they walked with us down the beach. The drive by the airport to watch the planes land. To go to river to watch the boats. The time before the pain and sorrow. It is always the little things that in everyday life that have become so special now. They life is full of little monuments that can take your breath away if you stop to notice. I just wish I would have learned that lesson before this.


Jason

PS sorry of this high jacks your thread. Not havering a good day today.

sonya

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Re: telling new people
« Reply #28 on: November 02, 2012, 10:31:06 PM »
(((Jason)))

You are not hijacking my thread!
Glad you shared about wandering down to look at the planes. I think you are so true, I wish I treasured the little things more when he was around.
I hope a little light finds its way through if you are having a dark day. Maybe thinking of those times will help it shine a little brighter for you.

Take good care my friend,

Son x
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

rayinsc

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Re: telling new people
« Reply #29 on: November 06, 2012, 07:03:20 PM »
This is my view and how I deal with various situations.

First, I do not offer up the fact that I am widowed unless I feel it is important to share that fact with the person I am having the conversation with, and the details are germane to that conversation.   

Otherwise, if somehow the fact that I am a widower comes up, and then asked how did she die, I usually respond with "Does it really matter?" or if I feel like being more polite, a simple "How she died is not important."  Then I move on to other topics of conversation.

For awhile I was the one who offered up the fact that my wife died, and then went on to share the details.  Eventually it became clear to me that I had the need to tell the story, not the person to whom I was sharing this history, to hear it.  Now when I feel compelled to relate what happened, I go back to the drop in grief group, where the story can be told once again, and then interacting with others, I try to find the reason I am so compelled to tell it yet once more. 

If someone who is not close to me sees me sad or depressed, and out of concern asks me what is bothering me, I usually just say "Personal stuff, it will pass."

What I have found after nine months is that in the vast majority of encounters with new friends or strangers, the topic of the death of a loved one never comes up unless I offer it up.  Which as I have said, is rarely now done, and when done, I am selective in who I share this part of me with.  The truth I have learned is the issue of the death of my wife, my feelings, and other aspects of grief are more a problem for me, then for the person I am talking with.  Most people accept the briefest of explanations.  And those who don't, well are they really worth talking to about such an intimate matter?

Just my two cents worth.


Oh, one last thing.  I always bring up the fact that I am a widower with women I have an interest in establishing a relationship.  Some will bolt when they hear I have only nine months into this new world of mine.  Those who remain, often have to be reminded of my less frequent moments of grief and they ask "What is wrong".  Surprising to me is their understanding response of, "Oh, I forgot you were widowed and still have grief issues."  For me, this is a good sign, it tells me I am once again who I was, and the loss of my wife no longer controls my destiny.
Ray in Santa Cruz