Author Topic: Two Words  (Read 4766 times)

mshaynes

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Two Words
« on: October 20, 2012, 05:49:31 PM »
I'm Lonely

No matter what I do. No matter how I fill the hours of the day. No matter whether I work, or volunteer, or go to counseling, or a group session, or a movie, or out to eat, or to mass. No matter who I spend time with. No matter how many books I read, or TV shows I watch. It just does not matter. When the rush and hustle stops, and it gets quiet, I'm lonely.

It's been nine months since Eden died. Although the good days are more often now, I've had more bad days than good. But even at the end of a really good day, it ends with me being lonely.

I went to the old trailer park where we lived for the past 17 years. The trailer park I left 13 days after my wife died. I went back to see the old trailer. It was gone. An empty lot in it's place. Barren. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. My home is gone. My wife is gone. My life as I knew it is gone.

I don't want a new normal. I want my wife and my home and my life back. But that will never happen. There is no getting over this. There is no going on and getting through it. There is just an empty hole in my chest that used to hold my heart. And I will be forever lonely.

I pray that I'm wrong. I pray I will heal. I pray I will again know joy. But for now, all I hear in my head and feel in my soul are these same two words...

I'm Lonely
May she gaze upon you, Lord, face to face, and taste the blessedness of perfect rest. May angels surround her, and saints welcome her in peace. Let us also pray for all who mourn, that they may cast their care on God, and know the consolation of his love.

Terry

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Re: Two Words
« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2012, 08:00:14 PM »

Holding you close with love and understanding as you are missing your precious Eve.

(((((((((Mark)))))))))

Love,
Terry

SistersinCanada

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Re: Two Words
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2012, 08:09:41 PM »
Hi Mark
I'm so sorry you're lonely.  It's so hard and I too feel lonely even tho it's been almost 1 1/2 years since I lost my sister, my best friend.  I hope for both of us that it gets better.  I pray for that every day.  I ask her to help me from above.  I don't know what the answer is.  I just get up every day and hope it's better than yesterday.  I wish all the best for you.
Sisters in Canada

Terry

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Re: Two Words
« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2012, 10:19:04 PM »

So nice to see your post, Terry. I think of you often and especially with the holidays coming, I hope all is Ok.

Love,
(the other) Terry

johnkmurray

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Re: Two Words
« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2012, 09:24:38 AM »
Mark,

On the dark days one thing that helps me is to ask myself, would Kit want to see me like this? When all I want to do is crawl into a hole and pull the cover over my head I think of her and it gives me strength to make it through another day ... ok, maybe another hour on particularly bad days. If I don't have the strength to do it for me, I can do it for her.

John

MyLou

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Re: Two Words
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2012, 12:47:47 PM »
(((((((((((( MARK ))))))))))))))


I feel the same as John.  Sometimes I fall big time and I try again.  They don't want us to be sad, easier said then done at times.


Always,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

mshaynes

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Re: Two Words
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2012, 06:29:22 PM »
Thanks for the feedback, hugs, and suggestions. Glad to have this board for support on the hard days. I'm doing better over all, so when a down turn comes, the pain is fresh again. That will be hard to adjust to. But my grief is now part of me. Forever, I guess.
May she gaze upon you, Lord, face to face, and taste the blessedness of perfect rest. May angels surround her, and saints welcome her in peace. Let us also pray for all who mourn, that they may cast their care on God, and know the consolation of his love.

arthur

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Re: Two Words
« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2012, 11:30:59 PM »
Hi Mark...I too have gone to the places nearby where my wife and I went for appointments of one sort or another. Why?
I don't know..its irrational really..but I just miss her so much. I miss all the times I spent with her..on appointments, in restaurants, shopping with her, etc. Going to these places again is difficult..but it felt good to know I was with her in those places. Please know that you are not alone in
your loneliness..we all feel like that here because our soul mates are gone.  And I think like JohnK says..there's going to be dark moments like this in grieving. Just hang thru them Mark. ((((Mark)))) Take care arthur

browneyedgirl

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Re: Two Words
« Reply #8 on: October 25, 2012, 12:36:46 PM »
mark - just wanted to check in with you.  :angel11:
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

mshaynes

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Re: Two Words
« Reply #9 on: October 25, 2012, 01:01:24 PM »
mark - just wanted to check in with you.  :angel11:

Thanks for checking in. I sometimes feel I'm going backward. I'm better in some ways, but worse in others. I'm sleepy a lot. But that is partly probably due to a new job. I have no energy. I don't care if my house is messy. Almost nothing seems "right" to me.

Yes, I know this is all "normal." But that does not make it hurt less, or suck less.

I've been to counseling, and group sessions, read books and devotionals. And though that helps some, at the moment, it seems of little long term help, as it changes nothing.

I was thinking about 'denial.' What does that mean, anyway? I do not deny that my wife is dead. How can I? She's gone. Hell, that's the basis of my pain. So, what is 'denial.' And further, what is 'acceptance.' We do not have the option of accepting our loved one's death. It is forced upon us.

If what is meant is that I refuse to want a 'new normal' (denial), and hold on to the past and wish futilely to have my old life back (not acceptance), then I'm stuck in both.
May she gaze upon you, Lord, face to face, and taste the blessedness of perfect rest. May angels surround her, and saints welcome her in peace. Let us also pray for all who mourn, that they may cast their care on God, and know the consolation of his love.

jasonkl

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Re: Two Words
« Reply #10 on: October 26, 2012, 04:51:46 PM »
Mark

None of us wants this new normal. All of us would give anything to have our old lives back. For me to wish her back would be to force her back to the pain. It put her back through hell and I would have to watch her suffer again. I love her enough to not want to see her in pain again. And if was that I was able to bring her back all better. Then I would have to deal with the guilt that she may out live me and have to go through the pain that I have and still do feel. Something I would not want to have her feel and now I know she will never have to feel this pain. For me I know her pain is over that she will never hurt again. So if I have to hurt like this so she does have to so be it. The body can be broken our love can not. She is now and forever will be with me.


May you find a moment of peace tonight.

Jason

PS. I was told right after I lost my love that acceptance will just come one day. You won't know when or how. But it will feel like a weight has been lifted off your chest. For me I can tell you when or how it happened but it did. It still hurts and some days are still bad, but when it gets bad I just remind my self it is out of love I feel this. Does not take the pain away but I can make me smile while the tears are running down my face. You will get there.
« Last Edit: October 26, 2012, 05:04:21 PM by jasonkl »

mshaynes

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Re: Two Words
« Reply #11 on: October 26, 2012, 09:27:30 PM »
thanks, jason
May she gaze upon you, Lord, face to face, and taste the blessedness of perfect rest. May angels surround her, and saints welcome her in peace. Let us also pray for all who mourn, that they may cast their care on God, and know the consolation of his love.