Author Topic: Self Pity?  (Read 12457 times)

Rodney

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Self Pity?
« on: October 16, 2012, 11:21:16 PM »
Hello to anyone, and I am heart broken over that any of us are here, yet am thankful that this place is.
Because I need an ear so to speak. I was told tonight that I am in "self-pity" and it felt like someone punched me in the gut. I am deeply hurt. Not to mention very mad if not pissed off. I am in shock that anyone would say such a thing to someone who's wife, and mother died in the last 7 months.
The thing is if I had some where else to live I would be leaving right now! Yet this is the person who helped get me off the streets after my wife's daughters kicked me to the curb. Yet needless to say it was a heated debate because even if I am a guest I am not going to be treated like a piece of garbage by anyone so I stood up for my right to grieve, and morn. Some how I felt like I should feel ashamed of my pain! I want to through a whole sack of cus words out here yet I won't. I sense that this is going to end badly, and if that means I am homeless again then so be it. For I will not allow someone to shame me into acting. I am shocked, mad, appalled. I asked them; "do you think for one min that I want to feel the way I do?" they did not answer. Of course I don't want to feel as if my heart is going to burst open any second, yet I do. I don't know if there is a question in there or not just needed to get it off my chest a little, yet tomorrow my be interesting.
~Peace~Rodney~

sonya

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Re: Self Pity?
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2012, 10:17:55 AM »
((((Rodney)))))

Wow. Of course you are self pitying in one sense. We all are. We find ourselves in a pitiful state. Having lost our loved ones ( was about to write 'so recently' but time has nothing to do with it)
...Having lost my loved one I am self-pitying. He is not here anymore. We would share this pain but I am now alone and so must do it by mySelf, with the support of my friends. I hurt.
Sometimes I am angry and do not behave as I normally do. Sometimes I laugh and people around me think that I am done grieving,
I understand that. I understand them wishing I would be the previous version of me. Its not their fault. Its out of kindness or fear of the unknown.

I guess I am saying this to say that I empathise with you feeling that others are wanting u to hurry up and be done with it.
I swing from never wanting to get over grieving ( that would be saying that I got over loving him and he means nothing anymore) to being exhausted by it all and wishing it would be over soon, its been soooo long, to forgetting about it for periods of increasing time....

Its really confusing for me, so I cannot imagine how frightening and confusing it must be for people who have not experienced such profound losses.

I know your post was not a question. Mine is not really an answer. Just what sprung to mind as I read. A little empathy
 
Let me know how tomo works out and breathe easy x
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

browneyedgirl

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Re: Self Pity?
« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2012, 12:17:30 PM »
(((Rodney))))

I have often found that people that have not experineced a great loss have no idea what we are feeling.  I am changed forever - and when my brother first died, I did not think the same, react the same, feel the same - nothing was the same.   Unfortunatly, I don't think that anyone whom has not been through this cannot even begin to understand why I acted the way I did, why I was in the state that I was in....I hope that makes sense.

There's a post called "the mourner's bill of rights" - or something to that effect, let me see if I can find it. 

Hang in there.  We are here for you.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

browneyedgirl

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Re: Self Pity?
« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2012, 12:20:20 PM »
http://webhealing.com/forums/index.php/topic,2471.0.html

Here's the link.   And I copied and pasted it.  You can take what you like from it.  Hope it helps.  :angel11:

The Mourner's Bill of Rights

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one, who is grieving, and as such, you have certain rights, no one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental
responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience a grief bursts!
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the cliché responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
« Last Edit: October 17, 2012, 12:23:39 PM by browneyedgirl »
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

stampingwidow

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Re: Self Pity?
« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2012, 01:17:28 PM »
Brown eyed girl that was a great reminder for all of us.

Rodney, all of us are indulging in a degree of self pity.  It is somewhat normal.  The question in this situation is "what was the other person trying to tell you."  "Why were they angry enough to be so cruel. "  To get to the bottom of this, you need to determine what are the root problems?  What is the results they were looking for.  Look at the situation & ask what can you do about it, how can you resolve it?  If there are things you can do, try to do them.  If you cannot resolve it, try to shrug it off.  It is too easy to react to hurtful words with anger.  It takes more work to deal with what is behind the hurtful words.

MyLou

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Re: Self Pity?
« Reply #5 on: October 17, 2012, 04:07:34 PM »
(((((((( RODNEY )))))))))))

It's all said in the " The Mourner's Bill of Rights ".

Don't let anyone take these rights from you.  You are the one hurting here.  Of couse no one wants us to hurt. Why do people say the things they say ?? I have no clue.  They should think before they speak.

I know you are angry with your roomate but I would let it be.  You can still grieve here , alone or maybe with other friends that will listen.  We will always listen and help.

I would cry at my desk, outside , my car,  also in front of people. I would go right to bed after work. I would just cry , be angry , yell.


Remember you have to get it out even if you cry alone.


Always,

Lisa

((((((( PAM )))))) TY for posting those rights   :angel11:
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

Jean D

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Re: Self Pity?
« Reply #6 on: October 17, 2012, 09:19:52 PM »
((((((((Rodney))))))))  I have nothing to really add to what others have said. But I will pray for you to have calm, peace and less chaos in your life.

Jean

jasonkl

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Re: Self Pity?
« Reply #7 on: October 18, 2012, 05:02:45 PM »
I am true sorry for you having to deal with someone who doesn't,can't , or just won't understand. This pain is great and no one can ever truly understand what each one of us has to go through to get through a day. I do believe that there is another side to all of this. For those people who have not had to experience a great loss they are scared.  For no one ever what's to know that it hurts this much for so long. To watch someone suffer they way we do and know there are no words that will make it easier. No real way to comfort us or to fix our broken hearts. For some it is too much to beir. I hope things will work out for you.


Jason

browneyedgirl

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Re: Self Pity?
« Reply #8 on: October 19, 2012, 03:57:56 PM »
Rodney - thinking of you, wondering how you're doing.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: Self Pity?
« Reply #9 on: October 19, 2012, 05:36:59 PM »

I was told tonight that I am in "self-pity" and it felt like someone punched me in the gut. I am deeply hurt. Not to mention very mad if not pissed off. I am in shock that anyone would say such a thing to someone who's wife, and mother died in the last 7 months.


There's a big difference between self-pity and grief. Huge, in fact. Not to say that one cannot lead to the other, because it can. Expressions of heartache, deep sadness and unimaginable pain are signs of grief. And, to express these emotions are normal when grieving.

I like how Maya Angelou explains it:

"“Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.”~

Self pity has to be fed to stay alive whereas grief is a response to a loss of any kind. If one continues to express healthy emotions when they are feeling them - those of heartache, sadness and pain then they are grieving a loss. When one chooses to draw from unhealthy feelings and those not related to their grief (as in past behaviors of how a loss is handled before a death or for that matter, how ANY disappointment is handled prior to) is when it becomes self pity: as in..."I'm the only one who knows what this pain feels like" OR "No one knows the pain I am in so I will stay angry with everyone because no one can help me."

So, in effect...instead of openly expressing their pain, sadness, etc., they climb inward and continue to deny that they will ever heal, to any degree.

When we cannot rise above these inward and very unhealthy emotions/attitudes, we can become 'stuck' in our grief.

Does that make any sense to you?

(These are my feelings, Rodney or opinions so they are neither right or wrong. They are how I feel in regards to what I've learned through my own lifes' experiences and hope it helps in some way!)

You sure don't have a lot of choices as it seems you are being held emotional hostage since it's your living arrangements that are at stake, also right now. I'm sorry, Rodney. I wish I were there to give you a real hug but I'm sending you a cyber hug, with lots of understanding.

((((((((((Rodney))))))))))

Always here for you,
Love,
Terry


Rodney

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Re: Self Pity?
« Reply #10 on: October 20, 2012, 02:46:46 PM »
Thank you all for your support.
My roommate & I had another heated debate about this, and then it turned to a discussion of sorts  it seems a little better here for now because I wasn't backing down from the truth that I will honor my wife, her life & death even at the cost of another home if need be! Yet like I said it's a little calmer here for now. It did make me look real hard at what I am feeling, and my thought processes, and it came to me that maybe some people can't handle strong emotion even talked about let alone expressed or shown and maybe they are not safe to share this love which over flows from my soul & heart. So I lean on my private time to express & feel my pain along with my journal.
Terry thank you for your thoughts they did make sense and helped.
Thank you all again. ~Rodney~

Jean D

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Re: Self Pity?
« Reply #11 on: October 20, 2012, 07:24:18 PM »
Rodney,
I think you hit it on the head...some people cannot handle strong emotions. I have people in my life that I cannot and will not talk about how I am doing/feeling because it makes them start crying and I cannot deal or don't want to deal with what they are feeling. I'm fortunate that there are people in my life that can and do listen to me.

Jean

arthur

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Re: Self Pity?
« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2012, 11:18:07 PM »
Hi Rodney..I just had to say something after I read your post. You are/were caught between a rock and a hard place with your relatives thinking you were merely feeling sorry for yourself when in reality you were grieving.  It really sucks to be blamed for something that isn't true at all because the blamer can't put himself/herself in your shoes due to their fear of death or grief. I was put in this position with a woman I work with who got angry at me because she thought I was feeling sorry for myself too. I don't pay her any mind now..her anger with me because of her delusion that I was feeling sorry for myself told me more about her sorry state of mind than anything else. There is a difference between grief and self pity..one is self awareness enough to know that your inner self is hurting and needs to be healed..the other is self delusion for some ulterior motive. Take care Rodney and be aware that anything you feel at these early stages of grief are ok to feel. Hang in there!(((Rodney)))
arthur

browneyedgirl

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Re: Self Pity?
« Reply #13 on: October 24, 2012, 08:29:10 AM »
((((arthur))))
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven