Author Topic: Still Confused and Lost  (Read 5755 times)

Chris89

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Still Confused and Lost
« on: October 11, 2012, 12:09:38 PM »
It’s been two months since Liz passed, and I don’t know how I feel about it. I still miss her, I still love her, I’d still give anything to have her alive and in my arms, but Yesterday I wasn’t extremely upset even though I knew it was the 2 month mark. I don’t know if it’s because I kept my mind focused on other things or I tried not to think about it or if I’m reverting back to the feelings of denial that she's gone. After I realize that, I feel as though she’s fading into memory and I hate myself for allowing it to happen because, again, in these days I feel close to her in grieving her (even though I know it’s not healthy). I’m afraid that with her fading into memory I’m going to forget all the things that made me love her and all the things I love about her. I guess it doesn’t help that with we trying to get through these feelings that everything else has gone to hell from her passing: Her Father, a descent friend and human being, not being able to cope with his loss thus landing him in a mental facility, me ending a 22 year friendship because they’re telling me to get over it and refuse to lend support, and so much other crap that is not needed right now. . . . . I really just want Liz back. Her love is what kept me from feeling like I’m just existing in this world and it give me the happiest feeling on purpose and now I just feel worst then my life ever did before I had her in my life. I miss her so much.
I know this post is all over the place, but if anyone has advice on how to deal with any of these I’d love to hear it because this simple is horrible.

Jean D

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Re: Still Confused and Lost
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2012, 01:38:47 PM »
Chris,

My heart hurts for you. You will never lose the memories of your dear Liz. We hold them deep in our hearts. Our pain seems to be multiplied by how much we love them. As time moves forward we begin to not focus every single second of every day thinking of them, it does not mean we are in denial or forgetting them...maybe it means we are finding some peace. I can't say that I have any real advise other than to say, I find it helps to keep posting your feelings here. For some they write in a journal and others go to group or an individual councilor. Some do all the above. I think the most important thing is to continue to get your feelings out somewhere.

You are in my thoughts. ((((((((Chris))))))))))))

Jean

browneyedgirl

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Re: Still Confused and Lost
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2012, 03:23:47 PM »
((((chris)))))

As Jean said, you will never lose the memories.  When we lose someone, there are so many confusing feelings - and sometimes none are the same as the next.   I am sorry to read about her father and also your frienship.  I remember when Tony died, I almost ended a friendship of a similar time length....mostly it was because she didn't really understand what I was going through. 

We are all here for you, keep posting if it helps.

lots of love.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Terry

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Re: Still Confused and Lost
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2012, 10:25:10 PM »
Living with the recent heartbreak and devastating loss of your precious Liz and then having to deal with the loss of a friendship which is even more grief added to your heavy heart, and then family issues atop, is more than one should have to deal with.

I have been there with losing a best friend when I needed her the most. I understand and I'm so sorry.

Please try to focus on caring for 'you' and your immediate needs right now, both emotional and physical. Be ever so gentle and take good care. Because regarding the memories and everything else your trying to make sense of, it's grief. And, it's hard. And, it's confusing. Please take baby steps. One day at a time because at just a couple of months or even a year, our feelings are all over the place.

Thanks for sharing how you have been feeling and what's been going on. And, please keep us updated.

((((((Chris)))))

With Love & Understanding,
Terry

jasonkl

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Re: Still Confused and Lost
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2012, 03:47:56 PM »
Chris,

The days are hard and night are even harder. You will never forget her. She will live forever in your heart. Your grief is so new. Everything feels like it moving at a million miles and hour and you feel like your standing still. The memories are hard right now. She feels like she is fading that is just your mind protecting it self. You have gone through a major life event. One I wish no one ever had to go through. The shock of losing one of the most important people in your is devistating and then the real hard times begin as friends and family don't understand. Can't cope with you and your feelings. They want that old Chris back and can't understand where he went. Don't get that part of you is gone. That your heart is broken and your soul just hurts. Unless you have been in this there is no way to explain the pain. The deep hurt that goes with losing the love of your life. We don't not just grieve the loss of the loved one but the loss of our lives as well. The broken dreams, the plans that will never be. I promise you she will always be with you. The memories will return. And at some point they may even make you smile instead of cry. This a long road that we walk. But we don't walk alone other are always there to guide you help and see you through.

Take care of your self.

Jason

MyLou

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Re: Still Confused and Lost
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2012, 04:14:15 PM »
(((((((((((( Chris ))))))))))))))

This is a very hard journey.  It might feel like Liz memories are fading but they aren't.  The pain is so deep and it takes over your whole being. Your heart and soul are in a million pieces.

It feels like you are drowing and you come up for air and it sucks you right to the bottom again. The first year is the hardest. The tears just flow, yell, and scream. Every part of me just hurt so bad. I just wanted to die and be with Lou. It was my every thought.  Eventually it wasn't my every thought. I was here for a reason still don't know why. I had to force myself to do things. I thought I was going crazy until I start reading grief books.  It's all normal.

The second year you learn who the new you are. We will be forever changed.

I just hate when I hear people say to get over it. Really, you are kidding right ? Stand in my shoes and you tell me if you would get over it !!! Ugh. They will never understand until they walk in our shoes.  I almost lost a few friends last year they never said that to me but something else happened. We are all friends still but I don't think they get it I am a NEW ME !!

Take care of Chris and don't worry about others.  I think they think we can replace they LOVE we once had but that LOVE will never DIE. Well, guess what we can't.

We will always be here for you.......

Always,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

Terry

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Re: Still Confused and Lost
« Reply #6 on: October 13, 2012, 09:16:41 AM »

How are you doing today, Chris?

Thinking of you.

(((((((Chris)))))))

Love,
Terry

browneyedgirl

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Re: Still Confused and Lost
« Reply #7 on: October 17, 2012, 12:17:54 PM »
Wondering how you're doing, Chris.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Chris89

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Re: Still Confused and Lost
« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2012, 06:39:49 AM »
I just wanted to say thanks to all of you for your reply, advice and concern. The last 2 weeks have been extremely hard, which is way its been hard to post on here. I thought that I was making progress in gaining peace with Liz's death but that isn't the case. Banging on walls with my fist, crying every single day, trying to hold it together at work and in church, falling to my knee because the thought of Liz knocks me down, screaming "its not fair" and "I want her back", continuously being late to work because in the mourning I can't move because thoughts of her has me frozen. It honestly feels like I'm back at the 2 or 3 week point after she Passed. This constant feeling of depression and existing with no purpose is unbearable and its not fair that anyone has to go through this kind of pain, to feel such true love and have it ripped away by death. When I think of the times Liz and I had and I look at her pictures it makes me smile but cry at the same time. I go to a therapist but I don't feel much progress but it is a place I feel most safe to talk about Liz. My heart hurts so much and all I know is that I want her back, I want her love back.  I really hope the next few weeks get easier.

MyLou

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Re: Still Confused and Lost
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2012, 12:30:54 PM »
((((((((((( CHRIS ))))))))))

I/We know what you are feeling.  I wish I could take your pain away. It's not fair you are right. Why our spouse/why us ?

Everything you are saying is part of grieving and it hurts like hell. I am so sorry.

Please do me a favor don't punch the wall.  I/We don't want you to hurt yourself.

It's still so RAW for you.  You will find that you will go 2,3 , 4 etc steps back but it's OK. You need to take babysteps. I promise you that it will get a little easier.  I just can't say when.  We all grieve diffently.

Also, know that Liz will always love you. It's  spiritually now. That's hard for me too, because we want them back physically. Love never dies !!!!

We will always be here for you.

Sending you , peace , love and the biggest hugs.

Always,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

jasonkl

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Re: Still Confused and Lost
« Reply #10 on: November 02, 2012, 11:59:46 AM »
Chris

This by far the hard this I have ever had to go through. Acceptance and peace does not come over night. Even when it does come.  It may not stay. I still have my days when I wake up and wonder where she is. Why haven't I heard from her?  It is all part of the process. This is hard and painful. As other hear could tell you I questioned everything for a long time. I could days with out feeling bad and think it was over then something would happen don't know what and it was like I was back to the beginning again. I feel your pain. Hang in there.

Jason

browneyedgirl

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Re: Still Confused and Lost
« Reply #11 on: November 02, 2012, 12:16:26 PM »
Chris - how are you?
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

sonya

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Re: Still Confused and Lost
« Reply #12 on: November 02, 2012, 10:43:09 PM »
(((((((((((Chris))))))))))))

I am so sorry the you have lost your precious Liz.

Grief is blody exhausting and hard work isn't it? At first it was all so confusing, I couldnt remember much of Tone because my emotions were so powerful and confused. I held onto my grief as a way of being close to him, they way you are describing.
Its ok to do that for a while. And, when the time is right, its ok to let up and let the pain ease. It doesnt mean that you are over it, that you are forgetting. It just means that you are healing a bit and that is a good thing.
I personally found that whe I was ready to start letting go of holding onto grief a little, I started to get more thought and memories of him.
I've got to the point now where I suddenly remember some little thing that happened and it really makes my day. Its like a little visit.

I just share where I have got to in the hope that you will understand that you will get through this in your own way. That it will ease. And also that I understand how shit it is!

Mam Terry's advice was all I could manage in the early days. Baby steps. Drink water. Try to eat regularly.
And know we are all here for you,

Son xxx
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

Chris89

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Re: Still Confused and Lost
« Reply #13 on: November 05, 2012, 03:51:48 PM »
I wanted to say thanks to everyone for their kind words. I read them before but I guess I'm still getting use to encouragement and positive insight from people during this worst time in my life. It takes some getting use to since the friends I have around are doing the "If we don't bring it up, and allow him to talk about it, It never happened and it won't get awkward" approach, or  telling me that, "Your young, 23, you'll find someone just like Liz or better and get married and have kids."  I've heard statements like that ever since I was in high-school and those people in high-school were right I did find it, WITH LIZ. But at this point I don't want "someone else", Liz was one in 10 Million, The first woman I said, "I Love You" Too, I don't want "someone else", I just want Liz back, no matter how impossible it is. I can't stop myself from wanting her back.

The reason why I haven't posted on here in a while is because nothing has really changed for me. Its going on 3 months since My Liz pasted and my grief has just been getting worst. Sometimes I'm crying 5, or up to 8, times in one day. It's gotten so bad to the point that my therapist and doctor have advised antidepressants, which is what I'm on now. I thought I was strong even to deal with this on my own will but no one prepares you for such a huge lost in your life. I guess another reason I haven't posted in here in a while is because most, Not all,  people on this forum seems to be finding some form of happy and positive feelings and I didn't want to rain on that with my grief and somewhat negativity.

browneyedgirl

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Re: Still Confused and Lost
« Reply #14 on: November 05, 2012, 04:23:57 PM »
Dear Chris - please do not worry about raining on anyone's parade - alot of the people that you see progressing here, have been doing this a lot longer than 3 months....this progress did not come over night, and I can pretty much tell you that they have all been at the point where you are.  We are here to listen to WHATEVER you have to say, no matter what it is.  We are all here for you and we all care.   :engel2:
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven