We cremated the love of my life today in 2011.
I cannot believe that a year has gone by since he died and today was the day of the funeral.
I have flashes of memories from that day and those surrounding it.
Day, painful keening. Crying and disbelief.
Today I am shocked and saddened. It still seems so unreal that he is gone and will never return. It is not just young children who cannot comprehend the permenance of death, for I feel it too.
Can I let him go? Remember him in the past? Will that work when I still talk to him in the present?
I have changed so much. Am no longer the person that he knew and loved.
I am older. Deepened by the experience of so much pain and loss. I feel like I am another version of me. The 'beforé'SOnya is behind the glass.
But I also feel like I am emerging. I laugh more and look to the future more.
The experience of his death has made me more tolerant of others. More kind and giving. Though of course I am no Mother Teresa!
I no loner stress the small things as I once did. I count my blessings everyday.
Although I swing back to life being pointless, I mainly focus on living my best life for him, that he can experience all the joys and experiences in life through me, that he was not able to be here for himself.
I practice being positive. I know this week that I am drinking and smoking too much but thats ok. I accept that this week. Nxt week I will start again. I will be this new person that I am. I will take good care of myself.
I miss him.