Author Topic: it will be 4 years very soon  (Read 2133 times)

IMUM

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it will be 4 years very soon
« on: September 02, 2012, 03:45:43 PM »
today marks the start of the week when we had go back home after living and caregiving for my mom for the whole summer. we had to come back home to send our eldest daughter brianna off to grade 1. i hated leaving  my moms side this day 4 years ago. in all honesty i was in denial, now i know this, that her time was coming soon, i just didnt know when or what to do. so i did what i did best, looked after my family and kept busy and didnt think about the future.
that following weekend sept 6th, my husband went on a charity horse trail ride and i went to visit my aunts. shortly after being there, her cell phone starting ringing and it was my uncle who was up at my moms with her and my dad, telling us the home nurses were saying my moms ciorculation wasnt doing well and the iv's that were in here were just backing up. and that it would be only a matter of time now...to gather together and to drive back up.. OH MY GOSH, that day i felt like i was a soldier going to battle alone... i was sooo afraid.  i think i went numb.... and just did what i could and that was breath and walk.
i went and picked my husband up and away we went, we stopped at home to get a few things for our girls and us, and i drove like a bat outta hell to my moms< a 2.5 hour drive. i made it so that i needed to drive. i knew that the Good Lord would let me travel swift, so i took advantage. im not a speed demon by anymeans and the ride was quiet, my family all slept as i motored.
when we arrived, i went straight to my mom sat on her bed beside her and grabbed her by her cheeks and told her i was here. she actually gave it her all to take a look at me, and she did, and she gave me a half smile, but i knew she knew i was there. its something i take solice in......
that nite went by and in the morning i was awoken by my dad who asked me to come to the bedroom, he told me" i dont know wehn she passed but it must have been after 5 cause i fell asleep around that time.." i just thought" huh, so this is it... shes gone? and i knew i was numb, it was a quiet morning in our home, and i just felt normal.....no emotions, just normal, calm...
i knew this day was gonna arrive but i thought if i prayed enough, god would work a miracle and keep her here on earth.... i was sooo let down that that didnt happen. cause i spent hours praying and pleading, or bargaining,, i was  so let down, i apologized to Him, and said" i need to take a break now, ive been prayin for years and now i dont want to...." the week after the 7th was soooo long and tiring.... and i never shed annnnny tears. i was numb, and playing the strong role
i cry as i write this and feel relief, that i can walk this thru with you all, what i think about some days, but mostly so now this week... ive chalked it up to the most tramatic event in my life, but i am making it thru,....
i have one question.... does anyone out there feel that life seems longer without your parenst in your lives??? like that its soooooo long to live??? its something i feel, cause id wish to have my mom in my life to make it whole again.. and wondering when i will feel my new nromal and aceept it.... sigh, sucks...

hugs to all out there

ty
mel

browneyedgirl

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Re: it will be 4 years very soon
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2012, 09:47:25 AM »
I don't think we can ever accept the new normal.  I didn't lose one of my parents, but I did lose my brother, and it comes in waves.  Sometimes I am okay with it, and sometimes I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry that he's not here. 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Scottieanne

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Re: it will be 4 years very soon
« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2012, 01:51:40 PM »
I know what you mean about it seeming like it is going to be a long time to live without her, I lost my Mom a year ago and feel like that too.  I still feel some days like I just cant stand to live without her, but I have no choice, as my family needs me here more than she needs me there.  I feel lost as my oldest child has just left home and I miss her and want to talk with Mom about it.  I have even been close to picking up the phone and caught myself.

Doug1222

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Re: it will be 4 years very soon
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2012, 08:35:57 AM »
i have one question.... does anyone out there feel that life seems longer without your parenst in your lives??? like that its soooooo long to live??? its something i feel, cause id wish to have my mom in my life to make it whole again.. and wondering when i will feel my new nromal and aceept it.... sigh, sucks...

(((((((Melody)))))))))

It's good to hear from you! I haven't seen you around in quite a while, but I think of you often.

I do know what you're talking about. Life does seem long without the people we loved. Then sometimes it seems to go by so fast. It's like living in slow motion and fast forward at the same time to me. My brother died in 1995 and my dad in 2000. My brother's almost been gone as long as he was here. It's strange. I'm still not sure what the new normal is.

You're right. It sucks.