Author Topic: Update  (Read 3401 times)

jasonkl

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Update
« on: August 14, 2012, 08:11:27 AM »
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Terry))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You have be one of most wonderful and caring people I have ever met. I started a new topic to answer as many of your questions as I can.

First the new relationship is complicated. I last time I tried dating anyone new I was 17 and I married her. Now 21 years later everything is so different. I have kids, she has kids. Nothing like dealing with 6 unique personalities. And she has a past not use to dealing with that at all. Jen and I pretty much grew up together, we were teenagers when we meet. I feel in-adequate a lot, she has had past relationships she has traveled to many places I have never been. She has had such a full life before me. Me I was with the same person for 16 years. I have found I have not a clue what I am doing or how to deal with her past. I have to say she is wonderful and deals with all of me. She seems to understand that Jen will always be a part of me and that she will never have all of me.

As far as the kids go. We have not got them all together yet. Her kids know my younger two. They lived near each other for a few years, even played baseball together. She has meet them and I have reintroduced them. As far as my oldest he has not meet Liz yet or her children. Not sure if he is ready to see me with another woman yet. He has told me to do what I want but I am not sure he really wants me to be with anyone else yet. Her kids accepted me right away, mine are very hesantant on the whole thing and are very protective of me. Liz is scared to death to meet Jason. She lost both her parents very young and understands what he is going through to a point. But her mom never dated before she passed away so she really is unsure about him.

As far as my mom goes things re not working out to well. She is not use to living with people, let alone dealing with kids.  She was looking for me to be her companion. I am may have to buy her out of the house. Not what I really what to do but she really isn't happy.

I hope I answered most of your questions. I will check in again soon to tell you how things are going.

Jason

rayinsc

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Re: Update
« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2012, 10:03:31 AM »
Jason,
I have found I have the same feelings of inadequacy when meeting some women.  At my age, most are well established.  Nothing like meeting a person who lives in a 3,600 sqft home with 6 zero's after. Or worrying about how to converse with someone who has traveled the world, or enjoys the opera.

Then I asked myself why I feel that way?  I have had a good and fulfilling life.  I had a wife who loved me dearly for who I was.  Now I have changed from who I was when I met my wife, as did she.  As time went on we grew together.

Yes, I am still apprehensive when meeting an accomplished women who appears to have seen more of 'life' then me, then I ask again, "Why is she interested in me?"  If the answers are the right ones for me, then her experience is of no more or less of value then mine.  They are just part of who she is.

Not having children makes it a bit easier me, although there is the issue of the children and grandchildren of some women.  More then a few are so immersed in their offspring, I wonder if there is room for another in their live.  When it comes to children, I have seen all to many times a single parent makes a decision today based on the perceived wants of children or parents, only to find out later they are unhappy and alone when the children leave the nest, or the parent passes on.

Finding a balance in life's wants and responsibilities is not as easy as it was when we were young, less experienced, and had the whole world ahead of us.

So I keep reminding myself, that memories are from past experiences, and tomorrow's memories are made today.  With that in mind, it helps me continue to move forward.

I think you are doing quite well now, especially given you are now talking about new life's challenges and fulfillment, rather then the acute pain of grief. 

I hope to do as well in my adjustment to my life's changes as you are.
Ray in Santa Cruz

Terry

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Re: Update
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2012, 04:28:55 AM »
   

First the new relationship is complicated. I last time I tried dating anyone new I was 17 and I married her. Now 21 years later everything is so different. I have kids, she has kids. Nothing like dealing with 6 unique personalities. And she has a past not use to dealing with that at all. Jen and I pretty much grew up together, we were teenagers when we meet. I feel in-adequate a lot, she has had past relationships she has traveled to many places I have never been. She has had such a full life before me. Me I was with the same person for 16 years. I have found I have not a clue what I am doing or how to deal with her past. I have to say she is wonderful and deals with all of me. She seems to understand that Jen will always be a part of me and that she will never have all of me.


Beginning a relationship with obvious complications is concerning. Although no relationship is without problems and they all entail work if they are worth it, it's good to know that you recognize the red flags flying about so early. (time will tell, Jason)

http://webhealing.com/forums/index.php/topic,7767.0.html
From the thread: "Dad is dating again ... please, anybody else been there?"

This is one of many threads discussing how adult children are affected when a parent remarries after a death. I think it's very normal to feel mixed emotions and just a reminder that this thread discusses *adult* children and not younger and more fragile children.

In this thread I shared the story of Joe and Belva and Joe's new wife, Elaine. If everyone we meet could be as secure as Elaine there certainly would be no problems in a new relationship. Elaine didn't try to remove or delete Belva from Joe's life. She was too smart for that! :)
In loving Joe, she accepted every part of him and Belva was a huge part of him. Joe continues to just adore her. Who wouldn't? She's kind and compassionate. Patient and intelligent. And, emotionally secure - what a healthy ego!

Thank You, Jason for sharing your Liz with us. It sounds like she is stepping lightly in regards to your son as she understands the fragility in this situation - probably due to what she experienced with the loss of her father, although she did not have to experience the confusion or pain that accompanies a parent remarrying.

And, to be realistic, Liz may not be the one you spend the rest of your life with as you're still  young and have many opportunities ahead in life. But all relationships are a learning experience and they are also a lot of work. Some end up being worth it and some don't.

The misconception that children bounce back quickly is just that. Every child is unique in how they handle a parent remarrying. That's evident in reading how adult children handle this.

I'm glad to know that you are continuing to place your children first as they need your strength and guidance right now.

If a relationship is going to survive, it will be put to the test first and acceptance is a big part of that test. The acceptance that we all had a life before *them* and that life cannot be dishonored. Respect is the basis for a strong foundation, in my opinion.

I'm sorry to hear things have not worked out the way you would have liked for your Mom. It's difficult for some people to live together, regardless of the love between them. I'm glad to know you're taking steps to remedy that for all concerned.

Just know we're here for you and I hope you keep us updated on how things are going. I always think of you and your kids and hold positive thoughts for you all.

Holding you close with Jen's angel date fast approaching.

((((((((((Jason & Family))))))))))

Love,
Terry

gaberax

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Re: Update
« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2012, 08:41:49 AM »
The lady (Lisa) I have been seeing lost a SO via cancer, just as I did.  My twin daughters are grown (22 years old) so I think they are just happy to see me occasionally smile again.  Denise's son's (my stepsons) and I have grown closer and both are happy that I have found someone.

I just wanted someone to have dinner with once in a while.  Someone to talk to or call at the end of the day or when something of note happened.

I am learning.  The relationship I had with Denise was organic....it grew over time.  At times I fumble and make mistakes in this relationship, just as I did with Denise.  But like Denise, Lisa has been patient, kind and understanding.  She gives me enough room to find my way.

Good luck to both Jason and Ray and thanks to Terry for the info.

Bob

jasonkl

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Re: Update
« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2012, 10:45:03 AM »
Thank you all for the replies and understanding.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Terry)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You give me to much credit. To be honest I really have not put my kids first. I am not doing a very good job of finding balance in my life. I spend more time with my girlfriends kids then my own. I pretty much live at her place. I have made improvements and I have started to repair the strained relationships with my kids. I have to say they have been more understanding then i though they would be. For the longest time I was letting my fears and my grief win. At first this relationship was a way for me to hide from my grief. I was trying to get back what I lost. Staying with her was away to run away from it. Nothing here reminded me of my grief. That did not last long. There is nothing like talking to Liz and hearing my wife,s voice.

Thank you for the the link. I remember that one I posted there too. Liz is great. She deals with lot. I know there are days she doesn't like it. But she And me she loves all of me including the parts that still belong to Jen. I don't know if this is the person I will spend the rest of my days with but it has a good chance. She did not get angry with me when in the middle of being intamint I had to stop because I saw my wifes face in hers. That was a scary night. But she understood and and ended up Talking about Jen for the next few hours.

Jason

ps post more latter have to go

Terry

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Re: Update
« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2012, 11:23:37 AM »

Hi Jason! Well, if you're making improvements then at least you're moving in the right direction! :) That's all any of us can do.

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it! And, keep posting. It helps!

(((((((((Jason)))))))))

Always here for you with love and understanding,
Terry

arthur

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Re: Update
« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2012, 10:49:59 PM »
Hi Jason...
Wow you sure have come a long way. I like the realistic view you have of your relationship with the woman you are dating. It reminds me of the precarious nature of dating vs the solid truths that my marriage to Maureen gave me.  I wish things could be different, but I have my doubts about my relationship with my new girlfriend Suzi. Like your girlfriend Suzi almost totally understands my grief for Maureen, and even encourages me to talk to her about it sometimes. Realizing that my grief is deep, we both understand that our relationship must be a slow growing one to have a serious chance to go anywhere. At times I seriously doubt we have a future together, but then I realize I am looking at it with my grief-colored sunglasses distorting everything.  As Terry said..only time will tell. One thing I don't like about her is that she talks about her male friend(friend only she insists) fairly often.She has has had this friend for several years before I met her.I've questioned her about it a few times and she says they will never be anything but friends...but I don't know. As with everything about dating, it is trust and faith,and I have to understand that we have no commitments towards each other and that she is free to do what she wants. When I compare Suzi and I to what Maureen and I had at this stage in our relationship , it is similar in many ways but Maureen never had a male friend like Suzi has.  All I know for certain is just that I miss my wife so much that it is gut wrenching still to know what I've lost.  I hope that I haven't hijacked your post Jason..its just that I can relate to alot to what you said. Take care, arthur

sonya

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Re: Update
« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2012, 07:27:54 AM »
((((((((((Jason)))))))

Thanks for sharing where you are in your life at the moment. It sounds full of possibilities.

(((((Arthur))))

I dont know if this helps but I have always had both male and female friends. And thats all they are, friends. I guess I have friendships with people who are interesting, not with a specific gender.
Dont know if that helps but thought i would offer it up.

Take good care,

Son xxx
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

jasonkl

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Re: Update
« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2012, 02:36:40 PM »
Arthur
Don't worry about hijacking my thread. We write what we feel and sometimes somethings sparks a topic that we need to share about. Our relationship may last may not but I have found that having a new relationship after being with the same person for so long is a lot harder then I remember. For me I have found i do not trust as easy as I once did. Liz has male friends too. She does not talk about them a lot but her kids like to talk about their father all the time. I know she talks to her male friends, she tells me about them when she does. This an area we have to find a way to deal with. Remembering she had a life before me does cause me issues. I am not sure about your friend but in my case we had a nice talk about it earlier this week. I was having problems coping with her past. She said she understood but that I was being a little selfish thinking I was the only one struggling. She basicly told me that she struggles with mine too. That her ex-husband walked out on her and the kids, that yes they were married for 11 years, but that is over and she no longer loves him. But in my case I did not fall out of love with my wife she passed away, that I still love her and she knows this. This is something she struggles with The fact that we were together for almost 21 years and would be if Jen did not pass away is something that scares her. 

I know all of this is hard. And none of us choose this life the way it is now. I guess this just part of our new normal. Good Luck Arthur. Just take it one day at time. If it was meant to be you both will find a way to make it work.

Jason
« Last Edit: August 20, 2012, 02:51:43 PM by jasonkl »

angie

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Re: Update
« Reply #9 on: August 21, 2012, 01:08:06 AM »
((((((((((((((((((( JASON ))))))))))))))))))))

New relationships are always hard work n a little bit scary.And its a million times harder when kids r involved.I was lucky my kids were ok with Pinder when they found out i had a new man in my life.My eldest Daniel was not too happy when i told them we were getting married.I understood where he was coming from with his fears n we workd thro it by talking to each other.He is coping good now.He knows i still love his dad he knows he can still talk about his dad to either me or Pinder.This i feel has helped Daniel  accept my new life.
I am so glad you n ((arthur )) raised the issue of trust.I used to b a trusting person but now i find it hard too trust again.My trust issues need a bit of work!!
All relationships require effort and hard work but the rewards can b great.

Wishing you all the best
HUGE HUGS
Love
Angie
XXXXX

jasonkl

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Re: Update
« Reply #10 on: August 27, 2012, 04:33:25 AM »
Hi All

Today was the first day for Jason at Temple. Very mixed feelings about this. I am so proud of him but it is another bitter sweet moment as I wish his mom was here to see our baby go off to collage. It is just going to be one of those days.

I have really started to repair relationships with my children have been in contact with them every day for the last few days now. Still can't sleep in the house I bought doesn't feel right feel like I don't belong there.  I think I just need to try and suck it up and stay there.

Have still not got all the kids together yet. We have decided to  let school start and let them get in a routeteen before getting them together. Hoping this works. 

post more later have to get to work.

Jason

jasonkl

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Re: Update
« Reply #11 on: August 27, 2012, 05:55:06 AM »
I made it to work and well no work, so I'm back to finish my post. I think this was one of the reason I was struggling this past year. Work was never really busy enough to keep my mind busy. Going back to work never really helped. Any way. I went to a wedding this weekend. Was not as bad as I though it was going to be. The only time I really struggled was when they did the speachs. I wanted so bad to just tell them how much it going to hurt when one of them is gone. How offle is that. But it was all that was going through my head. They say till death do us part and all I can think is ya when one of you passes the other is going to wish they died too. Thankful that feeling passed quite quickly.

Had a long talk with afriend this weekend. Someone that was very close to me and Jen he came to town to meet my girlfriend. He has know me forever before I was married. He told some things I had never heard from any one. He told me how he and the rest of my friends and most of my family was always jellous of my marriage. That my relationship with her was something everyone else wanted. How that seeing us together was always hard because of what we had. How all we needed was each other. We never when any where because We did not need to, that we enjoyed each other company that much.
And when I told him about the problems I was having with my girlfriend's past and struggling dealing with her friends. He basicly told me to shut up and stop trying to have the same relationship I had. If that was what I was trying to do then to just break it off now because all I was going to do was hurt myself and Liz. To be fair to her and myself and remember that she is scared of my past too. That I was happily married and she knows this. That only reason you are not still is your wife passed away. That if anything she has to as scared as you if not more because you never fell out of love. And she knows she is sharing you with someone else.  That will never change. All things I had though about but I guess needed some else to say them to me. I mean to think about I can't imagine what is like for her to be involved with someone who you know still has feeling for someone else. That they may never be able to give themselves to you completely because part of your heart will always be with someone else. I needed to hear that. I feel so much better now.

Thanks for listening

Jason

Terry

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Re: Update
« Reply #12 on: August 27, 2012, 12:14:42 PM »

Today was the first day for Jason at Temple. Very mixed feelings about this. I am so proud of him but it is another bitter sweet moment as I wish his mom was here to see our baby go off to collage. It is just going to be one of those days.


I am so proud of Jason for working through his struggles, and he's had many. His Mom and Dad had something to do with that! We're not born with determination - it's learned by example.  You should feel good, Jason! :) And, I know Jen is smiling on him!

Thanks for the update.

Love,
Terry

Doug1222

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Re: Update
« Reply #13 on: August 27, 2012, 03:06:01 PM »
Thanks for the update, Jason. It's good to see you still moving. It may not always be foward, but you are moving. I think your friend is right. Sometimes we all need that. 

Thanks for sharing the journey with us.

Doug