So quiet here.....

[joearmitage]

Today is the first day of my long weekend, four days off work. I went to the gym for a training session as usual this morning, and that always helps me, makes me feel better about things, must be the endorphins. However, the last three or four days have been hard to bear. I am missing Elaine more than I can say, feeling so sad without her. Everything in the house reminds me of her, but at the moment makes me very sad. I don't want to move things around yet, because I need to be reminded of her, in fact I always want to be reminded of her. Elaine was a massive part of my life for 31 years, the one I will love forever, we both thought there would be many more years together. I still find the odd hairgrip, or emery board, or sewing needle lying somewhere tucked at the edge of the carpet, somewhere like that, probably been there for years. But they always make me smile, also make me cry, she was the last person to touch or use that particular item, whenever it was. Have also had white butterflies fly near me in our front garden several times over the past couple of days, also found a couple of white feathers just outside the front door, I like to think she sent them. Although I am feeling very sad right now, I also get comfort from the fact that Elaine is definitely close to me, I just know it, I feel it. I talk to her, especially before going to sleep at night, I just know she is near me.

Love
Joe
xx

[browneyedgirl]

((((((((((((Joe))))))))))))))))))

Yes, your Elaine is near you.  I am sorry that you're feeling bad at this time.  Hang in there, my friend. 

[jasonkl]

Hi all don't post very offent any more. Kinda feel out if place here now. I still miss my wife and wish I could have her back but I know that is not possible. I still have issues with her death and the grief monster still haunts me. But I started to move forward with my life, my new normal. I don't feel right posting about nightmares about jen's death when they happen when I'm in someone else's bed.  Or how I have problems being at work because I am scared to death that something is going to happen to my girlfriend and I won't be there again. How I have problems staying in the house I bought because the only place I feel safe is my girlfriends place. I feel out of place. I'm in a place I never though I would be. Dealing with seven kids. 4 which are not mine. Dealing with ex husband, ex boyfriends. All of this because for some reason on August 19, 2011 something somewhere felt that 35 years was old enough that she had suffered enough. I deal with guilt of being in a relationship. I deal with thoughs of feeling like I'm not being faithful to my wife. I can't tell you how many days I would rather not wake up then deal with life. Mostly because of how mad I am at Jen for leaving me. Leaving me to pick up all these peices of my broken life. This last year has been the hardest of my life. Everytime thing get stressful I feel like it is all her fault. If she were still here I would not have to deal with all I have to now.

I hope we all find peace someday. Take care all

Jason

[angie]

(((((((((((((((TERRY))))))))))))))))

Thought i should check in.I still visit the site and read just finding it difficult to post.Like my friend Jason I feel i dont belong here anymore.I still want to be here though.I think the world of all of you xx
 (((((((((((((((((((((((((((EVERYONE )))))))))))))))))))))))

I guess i feel like i dont belong because i have someone new in my life.He makes me laugh n smile ALL the time.I feel so guilty about this.Is it too soon for me to be happy again?I still miss Davie i still cry occasionally and i still love him but i also have very strong feelings for my new man Pinder.How can you love 2 people?

All the grief sites i visited after Davie died said the same thing "take NO big decisions for the first year after your loved ones death" Well i knda threw that advice out the window cos on 25 June2012 I married Pinder.

He lets me talk about Davie.He helps me get thro the tough times.
Davie told me if he died young he wanted me to find happiness with someone else well I have done that.

I hope you guys dont hate me for what i have shared today but i believe life is too short to look back and regret missed oppurtunities

Davie I love you then now and always xxxI just dont want to be alone for the rest of my days cos being alone is S**T

HUGE HUGS
Love to you all
Angie
XXXXX

[browneyedgirl]

((((Jason))))((((angie))))

Angie congrats!!! Yes you can love two people and NO ONE will hate you....we all want everyone here to find happiness...we want to hear about your happiness. He's a lucky man and sounds wonerful.

[jasonkl]

(((((((((((((Angie)))))))))))))))))) ((((((((((((((((((((((Pam)))))))))))))))))))))))))))  (((((((((((((((((((((Everyone))))))))))))))))))

Angie
First congradulations.  And yes it is possible to love two people for I am in the same position. Still loving the one I lost as I am falling in love with the one who found me. Very strange position we find ourselves in.  My girlfriend allows me to talk about Jen all the time. She gets mad when I Don't and she knows Jen is on my mind. She conforts me when I cry. She told me in the begining that she knew Jen would always be a part of my life a part of me. I can't thank you enough for posting. Don't feel so out of place or alone.

Jason

[Jean D]

((((((((((Angie)))))))))))))

Congratulations!!! I'm so glad you found someone who makes you smile. I do believe it is possible to love more than one person at a time. I hope someday that I might be as lucky.

Jean

[MyLou]

((((((((((((((((((((( ANGIE )))))))))))))))))))))

Congratulations. Please don't think I would hate you.

If you are happy that makes me happy 

Always,

Lisa

[johnkmurray]

First things first ... ((((Pam)))) & ((((Terry))))

Because I know you both need some.

After reading through the posts in this thread I could probably get away with simply saying "ditto" and leaving it at that. Ok, so I haven't remarried, or found a girlfriend, or done the pool thing, but other than that "ditto" pretty much sums up my summer. ;-)

Job stress, dealing with a never ending series of impossible demands and deadlines, all goes straight to my back muscles and the long hours cut into my non-existent home life. I just can't get all excited about yet another urgent 'situation' that could have been avoided with realistic planning. Bad attitude to have in this economy. So what if the code fix doesn't go in yesterday ... children won't starve, innocent people won't die, famine won't run rampant across the land. At worst the end user will make a call to customer service to clarify info. Oh ... and some Executive will probably lose face because his/her unrealistic deadline didn't happen. (Even though we tried to warn him/her long ago) Like I said, bad attitude to have in a tight economy, and especially since I'm a contractor - the migrant worker of the IT world. Not a day goes by when I don't think of chucking it, of taking a break and live off the savings for a bit. The problem is I'd need to go back to work eventually and that sort of thing doesn't look good on a resume. I had more tolerance for this nonsense before because I was doing it for us. Now it is just me, and my tolerance for corporate billcrap is seriously reduced.

On the plus side, I bought a new bike yesterday. Ok, not really new, in fact she's a 2003 model (BMW F650cs) but new to me. It'll feel odd riding without Kit alongside of me. We put in a lot of miles together riding the backroads from PA to GA. We sold the bikes almost three years ago to cover some of the medical bills and she made me promise to buy another bike after she was gone. Took me awhile, but I finally did.

John

[Terry]

I guess i feel like i dont belong because i have someone new in my life.He makes me laugh n smile ALL the time.I feel so guilty about this.Is it too soon for me to be happy again?I still miss Davie i still cry occasionally and i still love him but i also have very strong feelings for my new man Pinder.How can you love 2 people?

Oh Angie....thanks for sharing your happiness and your new love with us. I am very happy for you. I believe (and always have) that love is the only reason we are here. How fortunate for you that you have found it again. Congratulations on your marriage to Pinder! Be happy!!!!

We're all so unique in how we heal and continue on with our lives and it seems that you have made the decision to not be alone and opened your heart to love and found it.

Quite a few of our members on here are dating and they share that here with us and we're always happy for them, as long as they are happy. Nothing is set in stone in this life but we can't get the fruit unless we go out on a limb!

Tell us more about your new love if you feel up to it!

(((((((((Angie)))))))))

Love,
Terry

[Terry]

Hi all don't post very offent any more. Kinda feel out if place here now. I still miss my wife and wish I could have her back but I know that is not possible. I still have issues with her death and the grief monster still haunts me. But I started to move forward with my life, my new normal.

((((((Jason)))))) - I hope you feel comfortable in continuing to post when you need to share something. That's why we're here because we care about one another. I can remember your very first post and every one after that because we all grow together on here and we do that by sharing our lives.

I don't feel right posting about nightmares about jen's death when they happen when I'm in someone else's bed.  Or how I have problems being at work because I am scared to death that something is going to happen to my girlfriend and I won't be there again.

It doesn't matter who you are with when you're having these nightmares. That fear is very real and can be debilitating. We're here for you, Jason.

I would like to hear more about your new relationship, too and I often think about your kids and how they are doing. And now it seems your family is growing, with your girlfriend's children entering your life. How do they all get along with your kids? And, how are things going with Mom? Any better? Would love to hear if you want to share.

Thanks for posting. So good to hear from you. Have missed you!

((((((((((Jason))))))))))

Love,
Terry

[Terry]

First things first ... ((((Pam)))) & ((((Terry))))

Because I know you both need some.

After reading through the posts in this thread I could probably get away with simply saying "ditto" and leaving it at that.

How did you know we needed those hugs? And, I'm so glad you didn't DITTO your response because I love reading your posts!!

A new bike...WewWee! Congrats on getting it! Would love to see a pic if you want to share it. And, when is your first road trip or haven't you gotten that far yet? I know Kit is smiling on you and your new bike!

I understand the intolerance for things we never thought twice about before and sorry to hear work is giving you headaches. You never know, John. Maybe something will come along that will be a good fit for you. I'll be holding positive thoughts for good things to keep coming your way.

Thanks so much for sharing what's been going on. I think of you often and miss your posts!

(((((((((((John)))))))))))

Love,
Terry

[Terry]

Although I am feeling very sad right now, I also get comfort from the fact that Elaine is definitely close to me, I just know it, I feel it. I talk to her, especially before going to sleep at night, I just know she is near me.

(((((Joe))))) I believe they hear us, too and I also talk to all of them....every day. It is a great comfort! Glad to hear you're still working out and I understand how some days we have to push forward and it's hard but I always feel better afterwards, same as you.

Thanks for posting and letting us know how you've been doing. We're always here for you.

((((((((((Joe))))))))))

Love,
Terry

[mshaynes]

It's been a little while since I checked in. I've felt pretty good lately. Started a new job 3 weeks ago. Not sure if it will work out or not, but am hopeful. It has kept my mind occupied. And then the weekend comes, and I wake up with nothing to do but feel lonely. Gawd, it still hurts so very, very much. A couple steps forward, and then a step back into pain. All the books and others' posts are so right. It's an unforgiving nightmare of a roller coaster ride. The hole in my heart will never close. The sorrow of Eden not being here is unimaginable. She was who I turned to for everything. To laugh. To cry. To smile. To share. To do nothing with. To do everything with. We moved here together 20 some years ago. Her sister followed and between the 2 sisters, a family grew around us. Eden was the matriarch, and I was the patriarch. And now she is gone, and every single person I know is here because of Eden. I am surrounded by her legacy. And yet I am all alone inside. And so I wind up back here, where I can write these words of loneliness and pain and sorrow, and know people will understand them.

In my new job, we talk about where are you from, and are you married, and blah blah blah. And when I say my wife passed away, I get a polite, "I'm sorry." That's all they can say. And I wouldn't want anyone to say anything else, anyway. And yet, it just seems so lacking. Sorry? How about devastated? How about going out of my mind knowing I'll never see that smile or feel that touch again? How about knowing that never, ever again will I know someone so well, or be known so well, or feel so loved and cared for? No, "I'm sorry" just doesn't come close. This is a wound that will never heal. A loss that will not be recovered from. A pain that may dull with time, but never go away.

Eden, my love, my honey ko, I miss you more now than ever.

Tearfully.....

[Terry]

Congrats on the new job and let us know how that's going for you!

I've found that nights and weekends are always more difficult. It's a lay back time when we're off from work or resting from the events of the week. The mind tends to travel....

Holding you close as you're missing your precious Eden so.

((((((((((Mark))))))))))

Love,
Terry