I don't know what to do anymore

[carolflana]

I am having a hard time of it, I knew this would be hard, but can't deal at all with it.  I had to get out of the house today.  I went to a luncheonette in town where George and I used to go, big mistake.  I could hardly eat.  Now I am at the town's library, crying as I type this.  I know it will take time, but what do I do now.  I know there is no answer to this question.  I try to take baby steps.  Everytime I talk with someone I end up crying.  I know I need to cry but...  Not sure how else to deal with everything.  I have nothing to fill my days since my job ended the same time Geroge died.  My department closed and I took retirement.  I am in no shape to get another job or to do volunteer work when I am like this.  I had planned to do volunteer work in my retirement, and hope that the day will come soon when I can do that.  I joined a knitting group, which I enjoy, but yesterday I burst into tears there. 
I just needed to talk, I know there are no answers but if anyone has words of wisdom from their experience, they would be appreciated.  This forum has been helpful.  Thank you.

[rayinsc]

Carol,
If only I had the words, but I do not.  The singular comfort I can offer is to say you are in a place where we here have all been, or are still.  Also know, that it has not been a very long time since you lost your husband, and what you are experiencing is normal.  I was doing the same as you at the three month mark. 

You are also doing all the right things, that is reaching out to counseling and joining a group.  The group is important, at least it is to me, in that it was a safe place to let my feelings be known.  All who attend feel the same.  Friday was the fifth month since I lost my wife, and I still go weekly.  And yes, I still have emotional periods, or break down when talking about some topics, but each day, and each time I step forward, I do better.

Try to stay with your knitting group, I know it is hard, especially when emotion overtakes you, but you need the socialization and a scheduled event.  If you need to skip a session, that is ok, after all it is all about you, however do try and stick with it.  Should an emotional time come on, excuse yourself if you feel uncomfortable doing it in front of others, then return if you are up to it.

I see you seem to not have a computer, that makes some things a bit difficult in communicating feelings, but not impossible.  When you need to reach out, try to write down what you would say here or to another.  Say the things you would say to a confidant.  Write not in generalities, but about the specifics that are bothering you.  Keep each writing in a journal.  Every once and a while, read your earlier writings, and you will see progress.

As I have said here before, I do not squelch my grief, I try to understand it, and look for the good memory.  It is not an easy thing to do, nor does it work for everyone, but for me it has helped a great deal.

I still talk to my wife when puttering around the house, or when I do something silly, or even just to say out loud how much I miss her.  Some times it brings tears, although usually not any longer.  Doing so always ends with a good feeling, even if I cry.

I wish I could be more helpful, but I believe you are on the right path.

Ray

[Jean D]

Carol,

You are not alone!! It has been 8 months since Ben died and I feel like I miss him more as each day passes. But in the face of all this I have progressed too. I was married almost 40 year and had never lived by myself and had never paid the bills on my own even though I have worked that entire time. But I learned. Did I make mistakes....sure did and I learned from them. Do I still cry every single day...yes. Do I cry at the most inappropriate times...did you ever see someone cry at a fireworks display...yeah, I did that too. I drove to my son's house this week and for months I could not find the bracket to my GPS and I was using the GPS on the seat and it was moving all around and I was wishing I had the bracket and....there it was...ON the GPS...I swear it was NOT there before!!! So I hung it on the window and I cried for the next ten miles on I95 through Rhode Island. Cry at inappropriate times if that is what comes on. Yell, scream, cuss if you need to!!!  Get out when you can. I find it helpful to keep busy and for me that means getting out of the house. I just joined a crochet and knitting group that makes blankets, hats and booties for premature babies. They bring them to a local hospital. It helps to know I am helping others, even when I'm feeling particularly low.

I guess in all of this I'm trying to say what you are experiencing and feeling is very normal. Besides the love and support I get from this group, I have learned I am not  losing my mind.

((((((((((((Carol))))))))))))))

Jean

[MyLou]

(((((((((((( Carol )))))))))))))))


Jean is right scream, cry whatever  you have to do.  You need to. Don't hold it back.  There were many of times I cried in public and I still do.  

We all loss the love of our life and it hurt's like nothing else.

I never knew I had this many tears but then again why wouldn't I. I loss my soulmate/my love and so did you.

Try to keep busy and if you can't it's OK then you try again.  It's only been 3 months for you it's very hard.

Know that we are all here for you for.  Post as much as you want.

Always,

Lisa

[angie]

((((((((((((((((( CAROL))))))))))))))))

Good advice given from Lisa Jean and Ray
It is still early days for you and your pain is still very raw.
It isnt easy to do but try to find a happy memory to hold onto in your head it helps when you feel like your losing it.Tears are good i also found writing things down helped I still write in my journal occasionally no where near as much as i used to but i am seeing that as a sign that i am healing.This journey is tough but we are here for you.
HUGE HUGS
Love
Angie
XXXXX

[hixguy]

Carol
The most important person to ever enter your life is now gone.  Not something to be taken lightly by any of us.  True love does not happen very often during our lifetime.  For me only once, and now it is gone.  Much difference then when other people we know pass on.  They are not part of our day-to-day life as our spouse is.  We notice there absence from morning to night.  Nothing is the same anymore.  I have found no advantages of being alone as I have never been alone before this, and I hate it.  Nothing enjoyable alone as far as I am concerned.  Your terrible feelings are being experienced by all of us here, and I dont expect them to subside because I will always miss her, and unfortunately as time goes on I miss her more, and why wouldnt I.  Unfortunately many people have not experienced this yet and they do not understand our sadness.  I have no desire to be around happy people whose lives are just great.  I would rather be with those people who do understand what it is like to lose the love of my life.  The pain is unlike anything I have ever expereniced in my life before and I am certainly not afraid of my own death now.  I never wanted to die while she was alive because I wouldnt want to lose her love and companionship; but she is already gone so my being alive not important now because we had no children.  I still cry everyday also and not embarassed by it......do what you feel like doing to cope.  I know words never help or change the situation that saddens us but that is all we have to offer on this site.   Hang in there.  Andy

[carolflana]

Thank you everyone for your posts. I had a good cry this morning, wanted to stay in bed all day, but finaly got up.  My sister called and I cried on the phone to her.  She is going to come for a visit.  She lost her husband 8 years ago.  I wished I could take her pain away then, and now she wishes she could do that for me.  I try to stay in the present day, as if I think of feeling like this for many more months it is too much to bear.
I do have a computer at home, but use the one at the library when I am there.
I haven't started a journal yet, but think I will try that. 
I also do knitting for charity, squares for blankets for injured troops, and caps for babies.
I try to think of happy memories and sometimes they make me smile,especially when friends remember something about George.
Thank you all for your advise.  My deepest sympathies for your losses.

[MyLou]

(((((((((((((((( Carol ))))))))))))))

Yes, try the journal I have about 3 different ones. I just advise don't look back at what you wrote.

I did that a few times and really lost it.

I also wrote messages in a bottle.  I haven't for a while but the bottle I have is full now.

Always,
Lisa

[mshaynes]

(((Carol)))

I don't have any words of wisdom; I'm lost in my own world of grief. But I do offer warm thoughts and virtual hugs. I'm taking all the advice from this board, and some helps, some doesn't. We're all different in what gives us benefit. I find it funny that some write journals and feel progress when reading it later; while others advise against reading it. I kept a journal during part of my wife's illness. Then I made the mistake of going back to read it. Wow. I relived the whole nightmare! I deleted it to prevent that from happening again.

And please, anyone who says that what we feel is "normal", don't take offense. But I have come to hate that word. "Your blood counts are low, but that's 'normal.' Your hair is falling out, but that's 'normal.'" You see where I'm going with this. I had 3 1/2 years of watching my wife die a normal death from cancer, and now I'm having a normal grieving process. My New Normal absolutely, positively sucks!

Anyway, Carol, and everybody else: thanks for sharing. IT IS HELPFUL!!!

[sonya]

((((((Carol)))))
I am so sorry that you are struggling so badly. I understand. Likeothers have said, 3 months is so early and although that's true, I felt so exhausted after 3 months of intense grief. It is really shitty.
But u asked for ideas. 2 things that have helped me most have been going out for a walk everyday. Even if just for 1 minute. And gratitudes. It was really hard at first to finod one thing that I was grateful for. But now, practicing everyday, I rattle off loads of them in my head on my walks. They help me focus on the positive, and to notice the goo
d things.
Oh, and anti depressents from the doctor have helped me get back on a more even keel.I cry. Feel crushed and awful. But I also laugh, feel happy and hopeful. Ups and downs.
And I.am hugely grateful for u all on here and hope that u find our support as helpful as I have.
Take good care,
Son xxx

[sonya]

Ps if u figure out how to fix it then do let me know. An making it up as I go x

[stampingwidow]

Grief is hard work and is painful!  I lost my husband of 44 years over 7 months ago.  It has been difficult.  I am just beginning to come out of a deep fog.  In settling his estate there are things I forgot or neglected to do.  I am bad a getting bills paid on time but am improving.  The first few months I just wanted to hide & ignore everything.  I am beginning to deal with things better and am learning to accept help when needed.  At first I was way too independent.  I am beginning to realize that it is up to me to develop a good new normal not stay buried in the past.  It is hard but I am beginning to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life.  A good new normal will be a slow process but I do not want to be miserable forever. 

Attending 2 grief support groups was helpful for me.  It helped me learn what is normal when grieving and how others dealt with problems similar to mine.  It helps to talk with people undergoing similar problems.  The two groups were very different but I benefited from both.  Joining the knitting group was a great idea.  Take one day at a time.  We remind each other of that need frequently here.  Do not be surprised if you are tired or sleep a lot.  That is normal.  I hope you will frequent this site often and share both your pain but later what helps you.  You will be able to help others as a part of this group.  Ann