(((((Kevin)))))
I can appreciate how you feel. Days drag by. It's hard to hold onto order when the whole world is out of order, so little things "pile up." I still look for her when I walk down the street. The disappointment, the re-acknowledgement that she no longer lives, still hurts...every time.
I am going to see my doctor for recurring back spasms that I never had before. It started with small twinges when she was first sick. Now, I can barely move in the evenings. Friends and family say that it is stress. I told the lady that I am dating that if it is something more serious I want her to walk away. I don't want her to go through what I went through.
I am dating again but feel guilty about it. Mostly because I think of Denise non-stop. I try not to compare but I do. It isn't fair and I know it.
It is like I am half-alive. Going through most of the motions but not invested in how things turn out. I don't care if I win or lose. I don't fear loss. I don't fear death.
I , too, feel as if I am biding my time. I hope to see her again but no longer believe in much "spiritual" anymore. How can I? Why should I? It is easier to not believe in God, Jesus, Heaven and the rest than to imagine there is a God with some big "Plan" in which I am a part. And part of the "Plan" was to take Denise from me like this. It took me all my life to find her and then He takes her from me? Nah, He doesn't exist.
In the big scope of things it doesn't matter. In the end I will close my eyes and the pain will end.
Despite this gloomy response, I hope you feel better. I hope you find joy again. I hope we all do.