Author Topic: A Letter to Kit  (Read 8380 times)

johnkmurray

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A Letter to Kit
« on: June 30, 2012, 11:13:40 AM »
My Dearest Love,

It has taken me far too long to write this letter, to put into words what is tearing at my heart.  It has been over two years now since the cancer stole you from me. I’ve tried to get on with life as I promised you I would, I really have, but I just can’t do it. The empty days, the loneliness, the deep ache in my heart and soul, getting up every day and wondering why I bother – all of that. All that is left are my memories, your photos, and a house full of reminders of you yet empty at the same time.

Regrets. Those trips we wanted to take, places we wanted to see, but we put off because of job situations or income concerns or whatever stupid crap came up to postphone those dreams? Your mom always said I spoiled you. If I could do it all again I’d do even more. How foolish I feel now, and how much I regret that I didn’t grab at every opportunity to bring out the love and happiness in your eyes. We thought we had all the time in the world to do those things. We were wrong. I was wrong.

When the medical bills piled up we sold the bikes and your corvette. They were just things. We needed the money.  Had we known your time was so short I’d have said screw it and just maxxed out the credit cards. Anything to spare you the disappointment at losing the car you loved so much, or the guilt you felt because we gave up the bikes. That wasn’t your fault, it was cancer’s. Still, you blamed yourself.

That last trip we took together, I should have said to hell with work and taken the time off immediately instead of waiting the extra week; a week in which the cancer stole the use of your leg and confined you to that damned wheelchair. Had we gone a week earlier you would have enjoyed it more. That trip remains precious to me. I can still see the joy in your eyes watching Cirque de Soleil, or when room service brought you that big carafe of cocoa for your breakfast. The love shining in them every time you looked at me … and the pain as cancer slowly stole you away. The pride you felt at showing me Grand Canyon. The warm feeling of being together those days, driving all those miles, just spending time together with the woman I love, yet knowing that time was drawing to a close and there wasn’t a damned thing we could do about it. Little did we know how little time remained.  Had we taken the trip sooner you would have been able to do more, enjoy it more. We returned home from that trip and you were gone a few days later.

So many more regrets. For all of those times when I fell short of being a good husband, for the times I failed you, you have my deepest apologies. You followed me through two countries and even more cities, and never complained as my career path had is migrating like gypsies. How cruel that cancer struck just as you were pursuing your own dreams.  Now you’re gone and I’m left here to lead an empty shell of an existence. Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I need a kick in the ass. How I wish you could be here to give it to me. I’ve tried to pick up the pieces, to get back into living as I know you want me to. I can’t. Not today. Maybe tomorrow.

Sent with all my love forever,

John

mshaynes

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Re: A Letter to Kit
« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2012, 11:46:34 AM »
May she gaze upon you, Lord, face to face, and taste the blessedness of perfect rest. May angels surround her, and saints welcome her in peace. Let us also pray for all who mourn, that they may cast their care on God, and know the consolation of his love.

MyLou

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Re: A Letter to Kit
« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2012, 12:22:20 PM »
(((((((((((((((((( John ))))))))))))))))))


Your letter made me cry.

You did your best and Kit knows that.

I believe we always blame ourselves as I did the same.  Our spouses would never blame us. 

Sending you hugs, peace and love.

Always,

Lisa 

 
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

Terry

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Re: A Letter to Kit
« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2012, 03:13:56 PM »

Kit was a lucky lady. Everyone whose on here is because they loved so deeply, so unconditionally. I, too John would have done things differently and I also thought we had more time. Us fallible beings will just have to keep losing our balance until we can one day find it, because that's what their death did to us.

Beautiful letter to Kit.

(((((((((John)))))))))

sonya

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Re: A Letter to Kit
« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2012, 04:19:59 PM »
((((((((((((((John))))))))))))))))

Your love for Kit sears across your post. Beautiful and heart-wrenchingly lovely.
Son xxx
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

roseygirl61

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Re: A Letter to Kit
« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2012, 04:47:22 PM »
John,
Your letter made me cry as well.  We all feel some type of guilt, not that any of thiis our fault, but the feelings are there and some days seem stronger than other days.
May we all find some peace and calm in our lives in the days ahead.
Rose

DaveB

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Re: A Letter to Kit
« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2012, 08:14:52 PM »
Beautiful letter John, it must have taken a lot of courage to write it. I started one a year ago, all I got is " My dearest Judy...", that's as far as I could get.

Jean D

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Re: A Letter to Kit
« Reply #7 on: June 30, 2012, 08:52:50 PM »
John,
Your letter is so beautiful and shows so much love. I don't think I could ever get onto paper how I feel as you did.
(((((((((John))))))))))))
Jean

angie

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Re: A Letter to Kit
« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2012, 04:00:07 PM »
(((((((((((((((((((((JOHN))))))))))))))))))))))

That is such a beautiful letter you have written.Your love for Kit screams from your words.Sadly so does the pain and loss.
Thankyou  for sharing
Thinking of you
HUGE HUGS
Love
Angie
XXXXXX

browneyedgirl

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Re: A Letter to Kit
« Reply #9 on: July 02, 2012, 11:20:24 AM »
((((((((((((((John))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

johnkmurray

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Re: A Letter to Kit
« Reply #10 on: July 03, 2012, 11:12:02 AM »
((((All))))

That letter has been trying to write itself for some time now. I thought I was making progress but the past ... heck, six months now ... has been rough. I thought I was finally coming to grips with losing Kit but have been caught in a downward spiral of darkness. I'd hoped that by addressing it, that in writing the letter and posting it I would find some release. We'll see.

Thanks, and hugs to all,
John

mousewife

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Re: A Letter to Kit
« Reply #11 on: July 03, 2012, 05:01:56 PM »
John,

I hope you will find that your letter helps.  I have found myself feeling a similar way in terms of feeling that I had made it past the worst, only to be pulled down into the depths of grief again. It now seems to me that I was actually making progress during those times,  I just wasn't to the point that I wanted to be. It's very difficult when we have such a strong depth of love.

My husband and I took our last trip to the Grand Canyon also.  He also was too physically impaired by cancer to do the things we would have done had we gone earlier.  I've had many regrets, but I am so glad that we were able to share that beautiful experience together.  I'm glad that you were able to share it with your love, even though it was not able to be, in all ways, the experience you would have preferred it to be.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

arthur

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Re: A Letter to Kit
« Reply #12 on: July 03, 2012, 11:12:23 PM »
Hi JohnK..I am so sorry that you've been struggling with your grief. As Terry has said our grief is fueled by our love for our spouses. You must've loved her strong indeed. In your letter, you expressed regrets over what you were not able to do with your wife before she died. I too struggle with those lost dreams of not being able to spend the special times Maureen and I had planned on doing but somehow were never able to do. Those lost dreams hurt the most. The question that kills me and gnaws at me is why did she have to suffer so much for so long. I'll never know the answers. Hang in there Johnk. You're not alone in your regrets and ypur grief. ((((JohnK)))) arthur 

Terry

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Re: A Letter to Kit
« Reply #13 on: July 09, 2012, 07:32:02 PM »
((((All))))

That letter has been trying to write itself for some time now. I thought I was making progress but the past ... heck, six months now ... has been rough. I thought I was finally coming to grips with losing Kit but have been caught in a downward spiral of darkness. I'd hoped that by addressing it, that in writing the letter and posting it I would find some release. We'll see.

Thanks, and hugs to all,
John

Thinking of you, John. How have you been doing?

((((((((((John))))))))))

Love,
Terry

johnkmurray

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Re: A Letter to Kit
« Reply #14 on: July 10, 2012, 03:01:20 PM »
Terry,

Back to "ok" I think. That's an improvement. ;-)