One of the reasons for my writing this post today is to share but also to thank you for your feelings shared here, the level of honesty, the trust one places in another when opening their heart to share of their great pain and I'd like to share what has helped me understand the great differences in men and women while grieivng.
Dr. Tom Golden's book, "Swallowed by a Snake" is what saved my marriage after my son died. Thank You, Tom!
For those of you who may not know, Tom Golden started this wonderful site and it is dedicated to his Father who died in November of 1994. Tom shares of his Father: "He had been a research scientist with NASA and had long been interested in finding ways to use technology to help people. I thought it was the perfect fit as a way to honor him. At the time there was very little on the web for grief and healing."
In his book, 'Swallowed by a Snake" he shares and explains in detail the differences when grieving for men and women. Tom followed and carefully documented many cultures where one main theme is similar to ours: ritual. Ritual is what we share a lot of here on these boards. Ritual is important as it honors them, creating a continuous flow of love that will never die. We do this on their special dates and especially now with so many coming up on their loved ones one year and two year angel dates, the importance of this ritual as Tom states is a reminder of our great love for them.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross M.D. shares:
"I find this material interesting and stimulating and feel it will fill a void in the literature about grief and gender differences. The material presents a fresh look into the uniqueness of a man's grief in a way that both men and women will find extremely helpful."
"The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing and A Man You Know is Grieving: 12 Ideas for Helping Him Heal From Loss" is another informative read.
Webhealing offers many resources and I am providing a link to where you can read of these and gather further information that I have found to be very helpful when having so many questions that seemed to be unanswerable while grieving a great loss.
http://www.webhealing.com/ Listed are articles with valuable information, our honor page where members share their stories and many other resources.
Grieving the loss of a loved one - learning to live without them is a very long process and not something I will ever 'get over' or 'forget about.' In time, I learned that nourishing my grief and tending to it consistently and at times, aggressively (just as I would a wound) enabled me the understanding that grief and pain walk hand in hand and to deny that would be denying the very love that I continue to feel.
And, I'm here as we all are to find that healthy balance, and along with searching for that balance - the important reminder to be very patient with myself. Along with the love and compassion from others that I receive, I am able to appreciate when the good memories out weigh the bad and when I can laugh more than I cry is a feeling of accomplishment for the hard work that I did and for the work we're all doing here and that is 'the work of grief.'
The day will come when we are able to live 'with' the pain, the memories....the all of them. The peace I found in early grief came in spurts (though it was always welcomed) but in time that peace will linger a while longer with every step taken toward healing our hearts.
Our pain is fueled by our love. - Tom Golden
I am forever grateful to Tom for this site and for the caring people who have walked this path with me over the years.
My Love and Appreciation to you all,
Terry