Author Topic: What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)  (Read 4871 times)

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)
« on: June 21, 2012, 12:15:54 PM »
         
One of the reasons for my writing this post today is to share but also to thank you for your feelings shared here, the level of honesty, the trust one places in another when opening their heart to share of their great pain and I'd like to share what has helped me understand the great differences in men and women while grieivng.

Dr. Tom Golden's book, "Swallowed by a Snake" is what saved my marriage after my son died. Thank You, Tom!
For those of you who may not know, Tom Golden started this wonderful site and it is dedicated to his Father who died in November of 1994. Tom shares of his Father: "He had been a research scientist with NASA and had long been interested in finding ways to use technology to help people. I thought it was the perfect fit as a way to honor him. At the time there was very little on the web for grief and healing."

In his book, 'Swallowed by a Snake" he shares and explains in detail the differences when grieving for men and women. Tom followed and carefully documented many cultures where one main theme is similar to ours: ritual. Ritual is what we share a lot of here on these boards. Ritual is important as it honors them, creating a continuous flow of love that will never die. We do this on their special dates and especially now with so many coming up on their loved ones one year and two year angel dates, the importance of this ritual as Tom states is a reminder of our great love for them.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross M.D. shares:

"I find this material interesting and stimulating and feel it will fill a void in the literature about grief and gender differences. The material presents a fresh look into the uniqueness of a man's grief in a way that both men and women will find extremely helpful."

"The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing and A Man You Know is Grieving: 12 Ideas for Helping Him Heal From Loss"  is another informative read.

Webhealing offers many resources and I am providing a link to where you can read of these and gather further information that I have found to be very helpful when having so many questions that seemed to be unanswerable while grieving a great loss. http://www.webhealing.com/ Listed are articles with valuable information, our honor page where members share their stories and many other resources.

Grieving the loss of a loved one - learning to live without them is a very long process and not something I will ever 'get over' or 'forget about.' In time, I learned that nourishing my grief and tending to it consistently and at times, aggressively (just as I would a wound) enabled me the understanding that grief and pain walk hand in hand and to deny that would be denying the very love that I continue to feel.
And, I'm here as we all are to find that healthy balance, and along with searching for that balance - the important reminder to be very patient with myself. Along with the love and compassion from others that I receive, I am able to appreciate when the good memories out weigh the bad and when I can laugh more than I cry is a feeling of accomplishment for the hard work that I did and for the work we're all doing here and that is 'the work of grief.'

The day will come when we are able to live 'with' the pain, the memories....the all of them. The peace I found in early grief came in spurts (though it was always welcomed) but in time that peace will linger a while longer with every step taken toward healing our hearts.

Our pain is fueled by our love. - Tom Golden

I am forever grateful to Tom for this site and for the caring people who have walked this path with me over the years.

My Love and Appreciation to you all,
Terry
« Last Edit: June 21, 2012, 09:53:42 PM by Terry »

stampingwidow

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Re: What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)
« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2012, 06:46:10 PM »
Terry, thanks for posting this.  Ann

Terry

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Re: What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)
« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2012, 09:10:36 PM »
Thanks, (((((Ann)))))

My husband's Angel Date and our Wedding Anniversary are not far off and I've been having a lot of feelings and wanted to share what had helped me through a very difficult time in our marriage and also how and why I view 'grief' differently now than I did a year ago.

What I have found is when someone dies in a family, every life is affected to some degree. Children, Grandchildren and sometimes even those who we wouldn't think would be affected, are. And, even after I thought I had found that 'balance' it all came crumbling down again as every season brings an event that relates to a past event and more feelings surface - grief is constantly revolving and evolving and my perception of who and where I am today will not be the same tomorrow - the remains of a life removed, interrupted.

Hugs,
Terry

sonya

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Re: What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)
« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2012, 03:24:05 PM »
(((((((((((((((((Terry)))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry for your pain. Thinking of you and sending massive hugs xxx
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

angie

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Re: What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)
« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2012, 06:22:57 PM »
((((((((((((((TERRY)))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you xxxxx
My love and appreciation goes out to you to
HUGE HUGS
Love
Angie
XXXXX

Terry

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Re: What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)
« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2012, 01:16:39 PM »

Thanks Sonya and Angie for those hugs, for your support. Sure do appreciate it.

(having one of those weeks...ugh)

Love,
Terry

MyLou

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Re: What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)
« Reply #6 on: June 24, 2012, 05:56:50 AM »
((((((((((((((( TERRY )))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are in pain.  Sending you hugs , love , and peace. 

I wish I had the magic wand.

Love,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

johnkmurray

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Re: What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)
« Reply #7 on: June 24, 2012, 12:36:14 PM »
(having one of those weeks...ugh)



((((Terry))))

arthur

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Re: What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)
« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2012, 02:36:42 PM »
Hang in there Terry. Its so true what you said"our pain is fueled by our love" for our loved ones. I think that the grief will always be with us to some degree then.
I just wanted you to know you are truly appreciated for what you do for others in these forums.  ((((Terry)))) arthur

Jean D

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Re: What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)
« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2012, 04:29:46 PM »
((((((((((((((Terry)))))))))))))))))))))

Hang in there sweetie!

Jean

Terry

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Re: What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)
« Reply #10 on: June 25, 2012, 01:54:23 PM »

(((Lisa, John, Arthur & Jean)))

Thank you so much for your support and understanding. I appreciate it.

Love,
Terry

browneyedgirl

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Re: What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)
« Reply #11 on: June 25, 2012, 03:27:57 PM »
(((((((((((Terry))))))))))))))
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

gaberax

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Re: What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)
« Reply #12 on: June 25, 2012, 07:48:02 PM »
((((Terry))))  Thanks for sharing the information.  Heading toward the 1 year mark since Denise passed next month.  Already befuddled and dealing with family members. Trying to figure out how to mark the occasion, even if it is just me.  I will check out the book.  Thanks again.

Terry

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Re: What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)
« Reply #13 on: June 27, 2012, 11:04:23 AM »

Thanks for the hugs, Pammy!

Bob, sure! It's always nice hearing how you guys celebrate special dates. We remember them....because they lived.

(((((Pam))))) (((((Bob)))))

Thanks and love to you both.

Zylen

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Re: What has helped me to understand (from post on Main board)
« Reply #14 on: June 27, 2012, 08:58:42 PM »
With much love and gratitude for all you have done for me and everyone else here

(((((((((((((((Terry))))))))))))))

Hoping you are experiencing less painful days as this week goes on,

Love and hugs,
Kevin