Author Topic: Does the pain ever go away  (Read 6070 times)

suesuesu

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Does the pain ever go away
« on: June 01, 2012, 05:02:38 PM »
My husband Steve passed away on October 13, 2008. He had leukemia. He was diganoised in February, was in so called remission in July and August then went back into the hospital in September and never came home again. I know his soul is in heaven, but his body is in the ground. I am having a hard time getting past that. We were married 35 years. We have bowled since the time we meet and my son owns a bowling ally. I still go bowling every week, but I don't think my son realizes how hard it is. I drive an hour there and an hour back. something we use to do together. I have continued to live life, but I do so for my children and grandchildren, but when I look at the years ahead I still get upset. I don't necessary want another man in my life, but the thought of always doing everything alone, is more than I can bare.  I have 3 children, but I feel so alone. My family has always been my life and I really don't have any friends to confide in. I have been to counseling. got a dog. I know there is more to life, but

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: Does the pain ever go away
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2012, 05:18:34 PM »

Hi suesuesu  - I'm sorry you're having to live without your precious Steve. I understand. Grief can be so confusing, at times especially when we think we've found our balance and then something happens: a date, another death, and it brings us right back to day 1.

I understand loving someone for so long and then living without them and finding our way, well...it just doesn't come easy. My husband's been gone a little while and even so, when I'm having work done on my home, it's still...WE will think about it. WE would rather not. etc., etc., etc. I was a WE for so long and I'm just not happy being an "I" so I totally understand where you're coming from. I miss my husband. I don't think about anyone else either, but if that day should come that I meet someone, I'm sure I'll know if it's right for me. I guess the same way I knew before I was married. It's just a feeling.

Pets are a wonderful comfort!

Welcome to webhealing. You can share anything here and we'll listen with an open mind and heart and never judge you or worse, advise you on how to grieve. No judgments here. I look forward to hearing more about your Steve when you're comfortable doing so. You'll meet a lot of great folks here. Very loving. Very caring.

((((((((((((suesuesu)))))))))))

With love,
Terry

arthur

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Re: Does the pain ever go away
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2012, 11:13:25 PM »
Hi suesuesu...Welcome.  I am so sorry for your loss. I know that everything is still a fog to you now with the pain that you are in. I know you are looking at the future and wondering what is going to happen especially since things now seem so difficult. Please try not to think of the future, just think of today and maybe tomorrow at most. Everyone here has to do the same thing and are suffering like you are so you are not alone in your pain.  Just today I had an awful occasion of grief myself that took me by surprise. Again welcome and godspeed in your healing.  (((Suesuesu)))-arthur

rayinsc

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Re: Does the pain ever go away
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2012, 09:08:15 AM »
Sue, grief and sadness are partners.  They co-exist for awhile, until grief subsides and sadness takes over.  Eventually the sadness of loss materializes as sadness of being alone.  Loneliness is a terrible feeling and can sap one of the joys of life.  For many, life becomes a boring routine.  Little if nothing to look forward to each day.  One day just runs into another.  Even social activities like your bowling are not fulfilling because you are doing it alone.  No one is there to discuss the anticipation of the game, or the results of your effort afterward.  Without that sharing, the fun you once enjoyed is gone.  I say this from my own experience, even after just going on four months since my wife's passing, I know loneliness is now my worse enemy. 

At 66, I am not looking forward to establishing a new relationship, even one that does not mean living together, but I know I need to in order to not be lonely.  In my case, we were together for 27 years, we had become one, the search for me will begin once I feel that I can relate to new people on my own, as me, not we.  That will be hard, and I know there will be many false starts and disappointment, just as it was when I was young.   There will be people I meet who will not want to put up with the mood swings of a widower, but eventually I believe I will succeed in finding the right person and beat loneliness.

My motivation for this attitude is my departed wife.  You see, she was widowed about two and half years when we met.  For well over a year before then, she had sought a new, lasting companion.  She finally succeeded when she found me.  It was not easy for us at first in that she still had moments of grief for her lost husband, but we made it through and had a happy and fulfilling life together.

Had she not sought to beat loneliness, she and I would not have had the good life we did.  I would not be in morning now for her.  My life would have been different, as would have been hers.

I am grateful that she back then chose companionship over being alone.

It seems to me you are at that place where she was, albeit a little longer alone.   

I cannot tell you how to step out and meet new people, or how to beat the fear of doing it, as I have yet to try in a meaningful way.  What I do know, is that when you do, your days will offer anticipation, challenge, and joy, and yes, disappointment then what you are now experiencing.  It is called living as we were intended to do.  I know my wife believed it, as she told me to not be alone after her death.  She told me this because she loved me.   I suspect your husband would also want you to find happiness after his death as he wanted happiness for you in his life.

When my  wife was diagnosed with a terminal illness, I told a few people that she and I were on our last voyage together.  We knew what her destination was, where her voyage would end, but mine was unknown.  There was nothing we could do to change her itinerary , but mine was for me to find.  I now know what has to be done to find my way, I just need to overcome the fear of taking that path.

I am not sure if this helps you, but for me, it is something that gives me hope that I can beat loneliness with a new and different companion.  If that fails, at least I tried, and then and only then can I come to terms with living by myself and not be lonely.

Ray
 
Ray in Santa Cruz

browneyedgirl

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Re: Does the pain ever go away
« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2012, 08:50:11 AM »
Welcome.  I am so very sorry for the loss of Steve.  You have come to the right place, there are many here who understand what you're going through.  I cannot add much to what has already been posted. 

Come back soon and let us know how you're doing.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

gaberax

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Re: Does the pain ever go away
« Reply #5 on: June 05, 2012, 10:26:01 AM »
suesuesu,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Because the love never goes away, I don't think the pain ever goes away.  For me, the aching loneliness was so hard to bear.  My wife of 16 years was beside me all the time...we did everything together.  And she loved to talk.  It makes me smile how she could talk for 30, 45 minutes...non-stop.  I would nod and throw in an occasional , "Yes, dear" or and "Uh huh."

When she passed away the silence and loneliness closed in like a tomb.  It was horrible. 

I have recently been dating a lady who had lost her husband in a similar matter.  Our relationship has grown steadily since the beginning.  I was at her house over the weekend, getting ready to leave, and we sat on her couch and were joking, laughing, cutting up...It was wonderful.  The most fun I've had in over a year.  Just the easy company of someone you love.

I will always love Denise, my wife.  I miss her terribly and cry almost every day. But what she showed me about love has given me enough to carry on.   There is a world full of lonely, sad people.  I have found another and will give her all the love I can. 

I hope Denise is with me.  I know she would have wanted it for me.  Sometime,  I can't help but wonder if she has had a hand in arranging it for me...from wherever she may be.

I hope you find healing and peace...and the courage to love again.  We are not built to be alone.

(((((suesuesu)))))

Love
Bob

browneyedgirl

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Re: Does the pain ever go away
« Reply #6 on: June 06, 2012, 03:00:02 PM »
Just wondering how you're doing, suesuesu.  Please post if you like.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

suesuesu

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Re: Does the pain ever go away
« Reply #7 on: June 06, 2012, 08:34:08 PM »
Thank you to all who replied to my post and I am so sorry that each of you have lost the one yoy loved. If I may this weekend was bitter sweet. On Saturday went to listen to Joseph Hall he's an Elvis impersoniator. He is very good and the performace was fantastic. Joseph and his family are really great people. While we were there everything was great, then we had to drive 50 miles to my house. I went with my son, daughter-in-law and a granddaughter. As I said it was great. But Sunday was a bad day I stayed in bed all day. ou see my husband was the Elvis fan, and before he passed my son didn't really listen Elvis, but since Steve passed that's what my son. I know he is showing tribute to Steve, but being alone afterwards is  the pits. John tries, but the thing he enjoys is what his dad liked, Vegas, bowling, Elvis and camping. He includes me, but then I still come home alone. I no I nned some kind of outside interest, but I don't have a clue  so sorry  suesuesu

jasonkl

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Re: Does the pain ever go away
« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2012, 04:47:59 PM »
Hi Suesuesu
My name is Jason. I lost my wife almost 10 months ago. I can't answer your question fully but I can say that my pain has changed. It did not go away just is different now. To change it I had to change me. For me I had to stop keeping my relationship alive. I had to keep telling my self that I was no longer married. That I for filled my vows. I did everything I could and no matter what I could not save her. It has taken me months to be able to do this. I had to find me. The me with out the we. I can't say that this is easy and if you have read any of my post you will know I still struggle with most of the decisions I make. I still question everything. But most days I am ok. I hope you can find some peace.

Jason

arthur

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Re: Does the pain ever go away
« Reply #9 on: June 07, 2012, 10:22:56 PM »
Hi Suesuesue..I know is is very lonely for you in your grief as you a describe.  Are you keeping a journal about your grief? It can be a daily,or weekly thing..and you can write anything in it that you want about your loss and your life with grief,and all the other losses that come along with it. Do you goto a grief group? There you can share your grief with others and possibly make new friends.   I guess what I am getting at is express your grief and don't let it sit inside of you where it can cause you problems later on. One grief group I found very helpful was griefshare. Goto www.griefshare.org and find a local group near you.  Hang in there Suesuesu I still have problems with loneliness too since Maureen died. (((Suesuesu))) arthur

suesuesu

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Re: Does the pain ever go away
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2012, 04:50:43 PM »
Thank you for the info on grief share. Yes I went to a church sponsored grieve share. The problem is I don't think god can heal all my problems. It's not that I don't beleive in in him. It is that I'm not convinced. I would like to find a group share that isn't church inspiried. Just a group of people that has lost, mom 1982, dad 1983, aunts, uncles, father-in-law 2010 and most importantly my husband 2008. I guess I want someone to tell me its ok to get mad, it's ok to be bitter (though not to healthy) isn't there anyone out there that does't think that god can do it all. I'm sorry if I offended anyone, that's not my intent. I just want human thoughts and not believes. Thanks for listening If anyone knows of a group, please let me know zip 50311

rayinsc

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Re: Does the pain ever go away
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2012, 11:27:38 PM »
If anyone knows of a group, please let me know zip 50311


Start here.  The Hospice group I attend is not religious based and has helped me a great deal in resolving  conflicts, in my understanding of what is happening, a place I can speak freely and share, while not the whole answer for me, it has been instrumental for me finding my way. 

Give them a call for bereavement counseling services.


http://www.iowa-hospice.com/locations-we-serve/index.php
Ray in Santa Cruz

sonya

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Re: Does the pain ever go away
« Reply #12 on: June 14, 2012, 01:35:01 AM »
(((((((((suesuesu)))))))))

Welcome. I know the perfect group for you. You can come any time, share anything or nothing, be given lots of (vitual) hugs and always listened to and cared for. We are right here my love.

And from what I have experienced and read, yeah its absolutely normal to get angry and sad and all of it. a big whirlpool of emotions that come and go and come round again. I am finding them a little less intense next time round. Starting to come round a little less often too. Hope that helps.

Take good care,

Come back soon,

Sonya
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

jasonkl

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Re: Does the pain ever go away
« Reply #13 on: June 15, 2012, 07:38:38 AM »
Suesuesu
To honest this is the best group I found. Not the same as face to face but has definatly keep me going. I too do not beleive that God can heal me.  The pain, the loss, the bitterness, and anger are all normal. For me my wife was taken with out warning. Her illness was not terminal. I was talking to her the. Night she passed. No clue what was to happen a few hours latter. We were at the point were the kids were old enough that we could leave them and do things together just us. We had put off our lives because we had kids so young. Thinking that we would struggle in the beggining, but would be able to have some fun will still relatively young. That was taken forms us 4 years ago when she was injured and we told the damage was permanent. We grieved that loss and we finding was around her condition. But then to lose her at the age of 35 because her injury affected more of her nevous system then any of the doctors could have ever know was the unimaginable. I guess you could say I am still very angry and very bitter. I lost the love of my life before we ever had a chance to to have a life. I'm not sure if this helps you any. I just hope you k ow that you are not alone. Sorry for the rant. Not having a very good day today.

Jason