The truth is not always the same as memories

[rayinsc]

It has been almost four months since my wife died.  While I have accepted her passing and know that she will not return, other aspects of her final days still plague me.  I have been re-living those days over and over again questioning all sorts of things. 

Now during her last couple of weeks, I wrote about what has going on.  After she was gone I stopped.  Well last night I went back and read those posts.  It was a heart wrenching effort, coupled with some smiles.

What I found was that a lot of what had been troubling me was not what had happened.  There in those written words I found a loving husband doing everything he could to save his wife from something that he could not save her from.   In reading my journal I found the joy of sharing a minor success, like a poop, could bring so much happiness.  I also realized that my wife was quite more animated and aware then my memories recalled.  I read of our good times, like taking her in the wheel chair on a stroll by the beach.  Of her eating two eggs and a sausage.  I read of my despair as she began to slip away, then finally leave me.  I read my words when I finally 'gave in' to trying to save her and accepted that I had to let her die.

My memories of those times were flawed.  The events, her condition, and especially the time lines did not match what actually happened.

Reading the journal and other e-mails has helped my ground myself in reality.  I now know that the torment I have been going through is made up.  That part of me that conjured these false memories is now on alert that it will not prevail.

I am encouraged that my efforts to 're-live' those days through reading the history I marked down, is working.  You see, for months now, I could not sleep more then 5 or six hours and as a result, I was always tired.  Well, last night I went to sleep around 1 am, then at 6:30 I awoke.  Normally, feeling like c**p, I would get up.  This time I said "No".  Rolling over, I slept (albeit lightly) in until 9:30.  Today I feel better then I have in a long time.

Hopefully it will last.

[stampingwidow]

Ray, it sounds like you have had a major breakthrough in the grief process and that is wonderful!  It is wonderful that you wrote & kept those journals.  I wish that I had something like that to help in this journey.  I am not dwelling on the painful memories of his passing as I did earlier but am not able to dwell much on the pleasant ones yet.  Hope you continue with the improved sleep pattern, that will be a big help.  It sounds like you are making great progress.  Ann

[Terry]

Ray - I am glad to hear you have been sleeping better. Four months is but a moment in grief time. Time is what we have on our side and the greatest benefit of caring for ourselves, both emotionally and physically while on this long journey will be the gift our heart and our soul receives, and that gift is peace. And, since we cannot rush grief by placing a time frame on how well we are doing at any given month or year, and since there are also no short cuts while grieving.....there is no expiration date on such a gift.

Time and patience and One Day At A Time.

Keep posting! It helps a lot.

((((((((Ray))))))))

Love,
Terry

[rayinsc]

Terry, while I appreciate your words, you do not understand where in this process I am or how I am addressing the issues that grief brings before me, and in particular what is the most troubling to me.   The first month or so after my wife died, I did not try to understand what was going on, I just let it overwhelm me.  That for me was the right thing to do at that stage, just let the raw emotion run wild.  It was something I had to do.

Then as the shock wore off, I decided the only way to move on was to confront those issues that were causing me such grief.  It was not the sadness of my wife's passing that I was trying to understand, it was what was causing me such pain.  Over time, I took on one emotion after another, and in each instance I found a way to explain why I was thinking and doing what I was doing.  Once I understood, I was able to resolve the conflict that beset me.  I was able to redirect certain feelings or reactions to memories rather then loss.  Some of the things took longer to understand then others, some took a lot of painful introspection to uncover the root cause.  Once, done, they did not return.  Yet the torment remained as new conflicts were tossed my way.

A thing to understand, is that from the beginning I could not look at the last three months of her life.  I avoided it.  I fought not to examine why I wanted to bury it.  For me, it had to be that there was something so horrible I consciously tried to wipe it from existence.  Why I asked would I do that? 

Slowly I began to roll back the curtain.  It was very painful to relive that time, and as I did it, I only found more questions.  The conflict in my subconscious continued to torment me.  I almost believed that part of my being was a very clever evil as it left no clues, and was quite subtle in dealing with a conflict so hidden. I was beginning to believe, to accept my feelings as normal, as I was beginning to accept six hours of sleep as normal.  Then I said no.

Then I realized my subconscious was not trying to cause me pain, it was trying to hide from me something it thought would hurt me.  Something so bad, that it had to be hidden.

Reading those journals was, as I said earlier, difficult and emotional.  I laughed and smiled as I read of the good things that happened, of the fun my wife and I somehow found in a very trying situation, and I cried a lot. The truth of what happened during those last two weeks or so was there in my own words, I then knew my memory of that time was flawed.  The truth was not horrible, it was what it was, the end process of her life.  There was nothing there to hide.  Parts of it were even beautiful.  So why is there a problem?  Why the torment?

Of particular bother to me was that the period in question was only two week long, an intense two weeks for sure, but only two weeks.  Yet, in my mind it seemed oh so much longer.  Why out of three months was the last two weeks so emphasized I asked.  Some would say because that was the end time, and they would be correct and that is why my subconscious choose it.

Well, when confronted with the truth, my subconscious let go of protecting me.  How much I do not yet know, but I can say this, I now believe I know from where the conflict comes.  It does not come from her death, it does not come from decisions she and I, or just I made.  There is no guilt from speeding her demise by giving her the prescribed morphine, nor does it come from stopping the ineffective hydration drip.  None of that was what I was hiding from.  All of those things that I thought were the source of my torment were not.  They where just brought into focus to hide the true 'sin' that I committed.

The reality is that hidden sin was not a sin at all.  It was just something that she and I wanted done, and did.  Now knowing what it was, all the other things tossed my way made sense.  I am no longer confused and for now, no longer tormented.

While many may wonder what is was that I hid, it is of no consequence as it was unique to our experience, so there is no point in disclosure, the important thing is that I found it, or at least for now believe I have.  (And no, it was not illegal or immoral or unethical)

So while this may sound strange, I can now enjoy the sadness in my heart at the loss of my wife, I am no longer tormented.  When the time comes, and I think it will be sooner then later, the old man in a dream I shared here will open the doors and allow me to drive out, back into the living and all the joys it offers.  I know my wife will always be with me, just in a different way, as was her departed husband within her.  And yes, there will be times of sadness and grief ahead.  The difference is it will not be all or nearly all consuming.

Like you said in your post, there is no time limit for grief.  However, in my mind, if you do not try to understand your emotions, the time you spend there may be longer and more painful then it has to be.

Thank you for this forum.

[Terry]

Ray - my message to you, which was taken completely out of context and understood by you to be berating your grief, which was not the case at all....I suggest you read again. I have no clue as to what your message in your response to me translates to reveal.

I do not write in nor do I speak in code. I speak from my heart. If my message of wishing you well and wanting peace for you has brought you to a place where you felt you had to defend your grief to me, it certainly was not necessary.

Please take the message in the spirit it was intended.

Terry

[rayinsc]

Terry, 

Yes, my post was not clear as to the topic I was addressing, which was guilt resolution.

As you are aware, there are many stages of grief.  One of the manifestations of grief is guilt.  Guilt is caused by many things from our past and present.  Guilt comes in several degrees.  There is guilt that is immediately recognized, like the guilt people usually feel when cheating.  There is also the guilt from the 'what if I had done..." thoughts where we try to fix blame on ourselves or others even when there may be no blame to fix.  There is the guilt of selfishness.  Guilt is a conflict between the conscious and subconscious, and it does not go away with time.

The subconscious never sleeps, it is always working.  When the subconscious has a conflict, it continually works on us to find a resolution.  When the conscious mind says that an action is ok, but the subconscious says it is not or it cannot fit the reason it is right into your moral fabric, it nags you.  Over time this nagging can consume the conscious mind which is trying to ignore the conflict.

Guilt has to be addressed and reconciled, that is the conscious and subconscious must find agreement.  As I see it there are only three ways to get rid of guilt.  One is to accept that what you did was wrong.  Another is to seek forgiveness from the person (including yourself) or from God for the wrong you did.  The other is to understand the cause of the guilt, that is the conflict between what your subconscious is trying to reconcile with your moral history and your conscious action.

This conflict we call guilt can happen when there is no guilt to be found.  In this case, the guilt is from confusion of the subconscious over what happened.

In my situation, the path to achieve an end that my wife and I started began after the first symptoms of her illness, but before the cause and terminal diagnosis was given.  The path we started and the path we took after her diagnosis of death were the same, but for different reasons.  The conflict I was dealing with was one of the perceived gilt of selfishness as opposed to actions in her best interest.

My inner being was relentless in trying to resolve the conflict it saw.  Given I rejected the guilt of selfishness, other memories were brought forth by my subconscious to find a solution to it's conflict.  One after the other, I dispelled them, and as I did so, new ones came forth.  To me, my subconscious was tormenting me, yet all it really was trying to do is find closure. 

As I started this post, I stated that memories were not always the truth.  I recognized my problem as the false feeling of guilt of selfishness was when I read my journal.  It was only then that my subconscious was able to reconcile the conflict it had.  My written words brought forth other memories and feelings that were hidden from consideration, or discounted as irrelevant.  The bottom line is that in the end, the guilt of selfishness was put to rest and I feel better now then I can remember being in a long time.

The point I was trying to make is guilt feelings must be addressed.  Once done, the cause of the guilt is usually not as bad, or bad at all, as the mind has made them out to be.

Time is what we have on our side and the greatest benefit of caring for ourselves, both emotionally and physically while on this long journey will be the gift our heart and our soul receives, and that gift is peace. And, since we cannot rush grief by placing a time frame on how well we are doing at any given month or year, and since there are also no short cuts while grieving.....there is no expiration date on such a gift.

Time and patience and One Day At A Time.

Not everything, especially guilt, is as you stated.  Over coming guilt is painful hard work.  Perhaps the hardest part is to identify if you have hidden guilt that is causing you pain, or if it is from some other aspect of grieving.

My sharing this experience is to make others aware of guilt as an aspect grief we talk about here, but seldom hear addressed or resolved.  Whether my experience will hold true for me or help others remains to be seen.  But for now, after a lot of effort, I have found some of the peace we all seek.




 

[Terry]

My sharing this experience is to make others aware of guilt as an aspect grief we talk about here, but seldom hear addressed or resolved.  Whether my experience will hold true for me or help others remains to be seen.  But for now, after a lot of effort, I have found some of the peace we all seek.

I'm glad to know that you have been working on your issues of guilt that relate to your personal grief journey and also, that you are making progress. Thank You for sharing that. It's always nice to hear especially when one has worked so hard to acheive it.

And, I wish you continued peace on your journey, Ray.

Terry

[arthur]

Hi Ray..it sounds as if you have a grip on the guilt that has plagued you with your wife's death.  Thats great! It is really fortunate that you kept a journal of her last days on earth.  It really gave you perspective on what really happened rather than have to rely on the cloudy pain filled memories of grief that her death prompted. I wish I was able to do that..my wife died suddenly and unexpectedly.  I have just the last few years of our marriage to remember..I watched my wife's health deteriorate due to her disability.  I never realized that at the time I was grieving for my wife before she actually died. Those pale in comparison to the actual day of her death..but they are still there.  And it went on for years. Many days I feel as if I'll never recover from all that pain.  I hope you can recover from yours Ray. 
     I too suffer from insomnia. Its my daily companion. I struggle with it and rare is the day that I actually feel rested.  It really sucks especially when it is added to the burdens of grief and daily responsibilities.  I hope you can rid yourself of it as I try to rid myself of mine.  Take care, Ray.