Author Topic: Sean's Girlfriend is struggling...advice?  (Read 4531 times)

Penny - Sean's Mom

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Sean's Girlfriend is struggling...advice?
« on: December 03, 2006, 11:44:18 AM »
I think I'm trying to figure out how involved I "should" be and I already know there isn't one right answer to this situation so I'm hoping that you folks might have some insight or ideas I haven't come up with yet.

Quick background:  Sean and Christeena dated off and on through high school.  After high school she moved, they broke up and then as soon as she was back in town they were together again.  They had been back together about a year before Sean's death and had been living together for about six months.  We found an engagement ring in Sean's pocket after his accident.   He hadn't said anything to me yet but I can only imagine that he intended to give it to Christeena -maybe on New Year's Eve?  I gave the ring to Christeena and she wears it today.

Christeena's family has not been very supportive of her after Sean's death.  This isn't new behavior for them.  Over the years she generally called me first before her own Mom when she needed support, guidance or to celebrate.  I consider her one of my "surrogate kids".

Early after Sean's death I made sure to include Christeena in absolutely everything that I would have included Sean.  The last 3-4 months I've been struggling to keep my own head above water and haven't invited her nearly as much.  In the meantime she has picked up a second job and is working a ton so her time has been limited. 

Now the dreaded month of December is here.  Christeena is struggling as much, maybe more?, than I am.  Sean's birthday next Sunday, Christmas and then of course his angel date are all within 18 days of each other.  I don't know the best way to help her through when I can barely envision myself getting through.   One more complication - Sean's brother Jason doesn't like Christeena so having her at family gatherings gets complicated.   

So here I am asking for advice.  Christeena's family isn't supporting her in the least bit.  She's been told point blank to "get over it" and "move on."   The only support she has is a brother that out of state and her roommates that are doing their best but honestly are so young they barely know what to do themselves.  And yes - Christeena's roommates also were Sean's friends so they have their own stuff to deal with.  These kids are so young - 20-23.  I just don't know how to help without putting myself in jeopardy. 

Thoughts?

Katie--Adam's Mom

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Re: Sean's Girlfriend is struggling...advice?
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2006, 11:59:34 AM »
Dear (((Penny))),

I am so sorry that both you and Christeena are struggling and missing Sean so.  It's very hard to know how much to reach out and how much we have to give.  However, I have found that the more support I have given Adam's girlfriend and friends, the more I have gotten back and the more strength I have gained.  It makes me feel closer to Adam and when I support those who he loved so much I feel as though I am doing for him what he can no longer physically do.  I am carrying on for him and it is an honor that brings great love back to me as well as supporting his friends as he always did.  Hope this perspective helps you some.

Thinking of you and Sean during these hard days.

Love and hugs,
Katie

LaVonne

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Re: Sean's Girlfriend is struggling...advice?
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2006, 12:24:00 PM »
Don't really have an answer but know i care and will be thinking of you. hugs  LaVonne

faye

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Re: Sean's Girlfriend is struggling...advice?
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2006, 01:34:22 PM »
I don't have any advice, but know that I am thinking of you and that I care.

Kyme jeffreys Mom

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Re: Sean's Girlfriend is struggling...advice?
« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2006, 06:23:18 PM »
Dear Penny

When I lost Jeffrey , we also lost his very first girlfriend with him, it was a double whammy, him being 21 and her being 18 and  having three children so close in age and they were all friends of each other , even attended College all together.

Jeffrey's closet friend was Ryan, his family are born again christian, yet he and Jeff were inseperable despite our differencies in religious belief.

After Jeff passed I would call him every week just to make sure he was okay, and then in turn I started getting phone calls from a number of his friends, it got to a point that I had a BBQ for them all. In amongst them is Ryan's new girlfriend, whom I personally feel she is a snob and she does not like nor understand my fondess for all my kids. I call them my kids because they sometimes just stop by to say hello - to me!.

I guess after feeding them all these years and having them spend entire nights playing Counter Strike and trying to sneak off to bed at 4am, thinking I didn't know, I would get up and say anyone for breakfast. ( I so miss those days)

I have never told Ryan I do not like her but invite her always.

Sometimes by surrounding ourselves with the kids that loved our kids is more refreashing than relatives.

Even though her pain will never measure up to yours, she still hurts and she did love him and may have some regrets and by keeping you close she keeps Sean closer.

As for the holidays I do understand , Jeffrey's Birthday is two days after and I hate these holidays, someone is missing and he will be forever 21, not something that is easy to live with.

Penny do what is right in your heart, do what Sean would wanted you to do.

I think I babble more than I make sense, please take care and my thoughts are with you


Kyme "forever Jeffrey's Mom"
Kyme - a mom on a journey with no map



Jeanneb

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Re: Sean's Girlfriend is struggling...advice?
« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2006, 04:05:25 PM »
Penny,

When dealing with the kids and the ones they have fell in love with my motto has always been "if they love them then I love them."  Since Philip died my oldest son has gotten married and divorced and the whole time I knew it wouldn't work but kept my mouth shut and was just there to pick up the pieces.  If Sean loved this girl which everything points to it, I would continue to include her.  I know how it can be when one of the siblings doesn't like the other's signficant other but maybe you can have a talk and ask him to suck it up for his mom.  You sound a lot like me, always had my kids friends over and they all still call me mom.  Isn't wonderful they have you and a safe place to express themselves.

Just remember even though you invite her, you don't have to fix things for her.  You don't have to make sure that she is ok.  You just have to take care of you.  Maybe you both need each other right now.

Hugs,
Jeanne

Valerie (Kyle's Mom)

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Re: Sean's Girlfriend is struggling...advice?
« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2006, 04:58:27 PM »
Kyle's girlfriend is trying to get back close right now...I just can't see her yet, but it's a totally different story.

She told me she wears the necklace and ring he bought her everyday, says it keeps him closer to her heart.

I don't think I have the strength right now to lift her up or hear all she wants to say in person yet.  So hard for me on what to do with her.

But know I am thinking of you, and do what is best for you right now...that's all I can do right now,  I'm not even decorating for the holidays, there enough holiday garb at work that I see already.  And to think Christmas and all
the music and decorating was always something I looked forward too!  ((Hugs))  Valerie (Kyle's Mom)
Valerie R. Patton (Kyle Berry's Mom)
http://james-.memory-of.com