Author Topic: New widow...suffering  (Read 15884 times)

arthur

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Re: New widow...suffering
« Reply #15 on: May 30, 2012, 09:43:58 PM »
Hi Pam...unfortunately loss of "friends" is part of the grieving process. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.  Its an unfortunate part of the grieving process and part of human frailty I'm afraid. There are just some people who are so scared of death that when they see somebody lose such an integral part of their lives and the horrific suffering that that loss brings to the deceased's loved ones..that they avoid the people who need their help the most-the survivors-so they don't have to face their own fears or grief.  While I understand some of this gut reaction by "friends" to a widow's/widower's/survivor's suffering..it is hard to defend such people when they cave into their own fears and run away from watching other people suffering instead of helping them. You  find out who your real friends are in the grieving process..and its always far fewer than you like to think. I run into this on a daily basis where I work...I avoid the people who previously were very friendly to me. Everyone on this site has had to deal with this unfortunate reality.  Maybe somebody else here can say something more positive about this than I can...its been 13 months for me..but I still have trouble dealing with it. After all, we're the ones who have/are suffering the devastating loss, not these so-called "friends" who turn their back on you when you need them the most! I hope you can find some healing on this site Pam.
arthur ((Pam))

rayinsc

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Re: New widow...suffering
« Reply #16 on: May 31, 2012, 12:09:02 PM »
Pam, you are in a time of extreme emotional pain, a period we all have experienced.  The emotion is so intense that we tend to think only of it.  For me the hardest part to get past was the acceptance that my wife was gone.  That she will never return.  You will constantly be reminded of this, as I have, when you start removing your husbands name from legal documents and accounts, and as you begin to dispose of his clothing and such.  Each of the actions reinforce the fact that the person is no longer with us.  It is a hard thing to deal with, but once started then done with, and the acceptance that your loved one is really gone, you will find the focus of your emotion and understanding of grief will change for the better.  It is part of the healing process.

Now you mentioned 'friends' not calling you as losing their friendship, implying that they do not care or as some say, are afraid to face the intense pain of losing a loved one.  I too thought that, but in reality, when I later met with my friends, I found that the main reason they did not call was that they did not know how to deal with my grief.  They were actually afraid to speak to me for fear that they would cause me to break down, causing me pain.  As counterintuitive as it may seem, to avoid causing me pain, their friendship prevented them from asking me about how I was doing.

Grief is such an intense personal experience, when we are in it, our view of the world is blurred.  Give yourself time to mend, and then and only then judge yourself and others.  Trust me, as you proceed on this journey your view of the world will change.  Things will never be the same, never return to the normal you once knew, but you will eventually find a new normal and happiness in your life.  It just takes time and understanding of what you are now going through to reach the end.

Ray
Ray in Santa Cruz

MyLou

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Re: New widow...suffering
« Reply #17 on: May 31, 2012, 05:25:53 PM »
((((((((((((( Pam )))))))))))))))

We have "PATIENCE" so no worries.  We get you. So don't rush your grief.

This is everyone's "New Normal" they call it.  I still haven't figured it at and I take it one sec, min , hour day at a time still.

I talk to My Lou everyday.  Once the one year came I promised Lou I will try to live again.  I'm still trying to figure that out too. It is 18 months for me.

We are here for you.

Always,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

browneyedgirl

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Re: New widow...suffering
« Reply #18 on: June 08, 2012, 08:57:02 AM »
Pam - how are you doing?
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

SparkyDMFD

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Re: New widow...suffering
« Reply #19 on: June 08, 2012, 10:02:01 AM »
Thank you so much for asking!  This week has been really good!  However, I've been happily distracted by the birth of a new grandchild last Friday.  This meant my "almost" 3 yr old grandson spent the weekend with me.  What a blessing grandkids are!My doctor also "bumped up" my antidepressant for 10 days to see if it would carry me over the rough days.

Monday night I want to grief symposium sponsored by our funeral home.  Lots of helpful information and a complete resource listing of help available in our community.  Last night I took my 9 yr old grandson to his first (of 3) "Healing Hearts" classes for kids also sponsored by our funeral home. 

Tomorrow morning I'm going to Eastern Iowa for the night.  My husband is a retired Asst. Fire Chief for the City of Des Moines.  We have an "Iowa Firefighters Memorial Wall" located in Coralville, IA.  They have an annual service honoring all who have passed and had their names added to the wall.  Tomorrow night is the Candle light service.  Sunday morning is the main memorial service.  I'm going just with my girlfriend for a day of shopping.....and spending the night with dear friends who live there.  Sunday morning the rest of my family will drive over just for the service.  I think this will be our final time to "honor" him publicly. 

Last week I began seeing a counselor.  I've been to 2 sessions and we haven't gotten past "history" to the grief part!  I'm thinking I need to see one of the local hospice grief counselors. 

Next week will be interesting to see how I do.  This has been such a good week......I'm hoping for the same next, but not holding my breathe.  It's just day - by - day!

Thanks for all of your input and concern.  Glad I found this place!

browneyedgirl

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Re: New widow...suffering
« Reply #20 on: June 08, 2012, 11:09:46 AM »
(((Pam)))

Congrat on your new grandbaby!  You sound so positive and well.  I hope you enjoy your weekend, and please update us on how the service went and how you're doing.
Enjoy!  You deserve to smile! 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Doug1222

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Re: New widow...suffering
« Reply #21 on: June 08, 2012, 01:26:23 PM »
Congratulations on the new grandbaby, Pam! You're right. They're such a blessing. We have three (all boys 9, 7, and 4). They spent the weekend up at our house last week. We all went fishing.

They're so much fun.

I'm glad to see you're doing all right.
(((((((Pam))))))))

Doug
« Last Edit: June 08, 2012, 07:35:56 PM by Doug1222 »

sonya

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Re: New widow...suffering
« Reply #22 on: June 14, 2012, 01:40:35 AM »
((((((((Pam)))))))))))

Congratulations on a new arrival in your family. SOunds like you have had an amazing few days with your grand children.

Good to hear some wonderful news,

Sonya xxx
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

Terry

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Re: New widow...suffering
« Reply #23 on: August 25, 2012, 08:22:18 PM »

Now, 7 weeks later...I find myself suffering more with each passing day.  All of the "hoopla" has ended....our "support system" has returned to their lives....as they know it.  But for me....each day my loss becomes more intent!  I've went to 2 public functions and nearly had panic attacks.  I now do not trust myself to go out in public where our "couples" friends will be.....or anyplace that holds strong memories for my husband and I.

I'm ashamed that I've felt anger....for reading posts of friends and their social outings on Facebook.  I feel isolated and alone.  I feel like everyone has already "forgotten".....have returned to their routine lifestyles.  I just want to SCREAM and tell them NOTHING is the same!  It will NEVER be the same....but for them, life goes on. 


Hi Pam, I've found that having to deal with the 'aftermath' alone is very difficult. True that others lives continue on, but so do ours when our friends lose someone dear to them. Only we can feel the deep pain from our great loss. And, your great loss, your Rick is still so recent and the pain so raw. Bless your heart.

I've been thinking about you and if you find the time, please update us on how you're doing. There are no judgements here or unwanted advice, only love and compassion. Share more about your Rick when you're comfortable doing so. Someone's always here to listen and lend a hand or send you a big hug.

((((((((((Pam))))))))))

Love,
Terry

hixguy

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Re: New widow...suffering
« Reply #24 on: August 26, 2012, 09:35:37 AM »
Hi Pam
So sorry for you and the pain you are suffering.  WE are all there.  My wife of many years was fine until she fell and hit her head in our living room.  I was only two feet away but didnt grab her arm.  She ended up with a concussion and died 36 days later, in great discomfort in the hospital.  She never remembered my name and laid in a hospital bed for 36 days.  I will never forget the way she looked.  So for me and others it was a shock and life will never be the same for us.  WE will always miss our partner because it is only people that can truly bring joy into our lives...not things, or money, or fame.  I have been told we have to learn to live this new life alone but I have not discovered how to do that yet.  The pain you feel is a result that you lost your most important support system and your social partner.  Not easy to replace those.  Hope by reading our posts you realize your feelings are experienced by everyone who loses someone important to them.
Wish I had words or encouragement for you.  Bye for now.  Andy
« Last Edit: August 31, 2012, 09:27:11 AM by hixguy »

mshaynes

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Re: New widow...suffering
« Reply #25 on: September 01, 2012, 11:56:51 PM »
Somehow I missed this whole thread until today. (((Pam))) I'm glad you found this site. If you've looked for places like this online, and found others, you have probably already figured out this is the best. The folks here are so supportive, understanding, and thoughtful. I hope visiting and sharing here brings you some degree of comfort, validation, and reassurance. I know it does me. Like you, I am seeking counseling and support groups. I wish for the best. Thanks for sharing your story about Rick. I wish you blessings and peace.
May she gaze upon you, Lord, face to face, and taste the blessedness of perfect rest. May angels surround her, and saints welcome her in peace. Let us also pray for all who mourn, that they may cast their care on God, and know the consolation of his love.

rayinsc

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Re: New widow...suffering
« Reply #26 on: September 04, 2012, 05:14:51 PM »
Pam, I am so pleased to see how you are working your way through this part of your life.  It is not an easy passage.  I am also pleased you have sought counseling.

The thing about counseling is it is a personal choice as to which type of counseling helps you the most and what grief issues are the hardest for you.

I did not seek out a licenced practitioner, although in retrospec I would have been better off if I had.  They would have been better able to help dispel the tremendous guilt I carried.

I chose instead to use hospice, especially group.  Groups I found to be a secure place to share my experience without the fear of driving family and friends away. 

I no longer go there, but know if I have the need to talk things over, I can.

The hospice group I attended did not have professional counselors, they had people who understood that talking about your feelings and sharing the experiences of others was the best medicine.

One of the things that I heard from a person in group was that grief was like a cold.  No matter what you take for it, or what doctor you see, it still takes the same time for you to get well.  Counseling is a way to make the healing less painful. 

You may want to consider keeping your counselor and trying hospice at the same time.  If you are like others I have seen do this, it will not take you long to see which works best for you.

I see you as doing well, and congratulations on the new grandchild.  Life goes on, and it is good.
Ray in Santa Cruz

Terry

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Re: New widow...suffering
« Reply #27 on: September 23, 2013, 09:40:30 AM »
(((((((Pam))))))) :love9:

I hope you are doing well. Touch base when you find the time!

Love & hugs,
Terry
« Last Edit: September 23, 2013, 09:43:47 AM by Terry »

jbryant

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Re: New widow...suffering
« Reply #28 on: October 06, 2013, 01:45:33 PM »
Im sorry for your loss but your at the right place welcome